Please sedate me or pay to relocate me…

I had a forty minute upswing today where I was feeling okay. My kid was running me ragged with her demands and pissing me off with her lack of gratitude and respect…It didn’t last long.

Once I recovered from that crassssshhh into the abyss…

The mail arrived. Christmas card from my dad’s faction.


That set me off into a pms zone of tears and a stab-0-matic zone.

Almost twenty years dad’s been with that…that…hillbilly…and this is the FIRST year ever that the card hasn’t been addressed to both of us.

Am I wrong to be offended??????

I mean, stepmonster labeled it using MY family last name (as in my mom, dad, sister’s, half brother’s) yet dad never married her so technically and legally it is NOT her last name…And it’s addressed solely to my child at our address…So what is she trying to prove here:? Setting me off so I look like an unfit mother and she can sweep in and take my child to keep her company now that dad has one foot in the grave and her own child is pushing 21????

A m I paranoid? Menstrual?

FIRST time in twenty years the x-mas card has only been addressed to my child rather than both of us.

As if I am no longer family.


I faced my own mother’s wrath and hatred when I had Spook and listed stepmonster, along with my  dad, as grandparents in spite of her not being blood relation or even related by marriage. I have done EVERYTHING to include her and my half brother even while mom and sis excluded and hated them. To say this made me a black hated sheep would be an understatement.

So to have this woman send a card addressed only to my kid, as if I don’t exist, when every other year for so long it was both of us….

I wish she’d die in a fire.

Ya think I am joking or dramatizing or hormonal?


Going to war with my mother over this for the last twenty years put more stress and anxiety on me than anyone deserves. It made my sister even more the favorite. It pretty much turned me into a pariah.

One disagreement, stepmonster hangs up on me like a child, and next I know…I’m not even on the family Christmas card.

And yeah, okay, why would I even care, or want to be included with those psycho hillybilly hosebeasts…But in all fairness…I am my dad’s DAUGHTER. I was here first. I have done nothing wrong to be so disrespected and left out.

On top of that, I’ve been forced to hear my child reiterate many times in 25 hours that “hillbilly  mum” doesn’t like this, or that, doesn’t want her t0 wear baggy clothes, doesn’t like the way I do this or that, and she fears hillbilly grandmum too much to speak up and now after years of hating jeans and cowboy boots suddenly she wants to wear them cos my half brother and hillbilly stepmum have told her it is the “right way to do things.”

Maybe I get a giggle when my kid sings heavy metal, quotes Llamas with hats, or wears black and a Jack Skellington shirt…But I have NEVER EVER insisted she do, or like, anything but what is true to her. She is free to be her own person (she even wore a Bieber shirt at one time and Hannah Montana but that was her, not me) and I want that for her. I want her to feel free to develop her own identity and not feel pressured to be what others, including me, might want her to be.

Now suddenly it’s all “hillbilly stepgramma hates this, she doesn;t like this, she says you do this wrong, she wants me to do this this way…”

Think I am hitting the wall here. I knew better than to let any faction of my family spend any amount of time with her was a kiss of death yet I wanted to be fair and non neurotic and Spook loves them but…

Lines have been crossed, I have been disrespected, excluded, and usurped.

This is not acceptable.

I am drowning in anxiety and depression as is (and also freaking out that hillbilly stepmum plans to use that against me to take custody of Spook cos they have “more” than I do)…How I wish I could say I was wrong. But for all these deviations and changes to come on right as my support hearing comes up…I don’t fucking trust them. Maybe I am wrong but dad is old, my brother is an adult, and I just have this sick feeling stepmonster fears being alone so she is plotting against me to take my child.

Yes, I know it sounds insane. Right up til it happens. I always had a paranoid feeling the donor would ditch us and ya know what? it happened.

The gut is not always wrong and it’s not always insane.

I have little doubt if called on it, stepmonster would have a “valid” explanation and my dad would back her up. I am, after all, the “crazy” daughter who doesn’t work because I am “lazy”. His loyalties have been made clear and it doesn’t involve me at all. Whatever.

I just can’t abide rudeness. How would stepmonster feel if I sent a card addressed only to “blood relatives”??? Bet she never considered that for that would require maturity and intelligence.

(Cripes, this thing has had me breaking out in itchy welts all day, I may as well have done battle with a swarm of mosquitos and fleas!)

So I have tried to talk to stepmonster, tried to talk to my dad, and they are sided together which isn’t new. I am always the family fuck up no  matter how much right I do. Mindfulness means fuck all when those around you won’t let go of the past. Yeah, I spent years fucking up. For seven years now, I have busted my ass to make up for it and do right. For all the good it does me with my family. Dad is still on my ass about the car being in mom’s name, which I do NOT get at all cos it has NOTHING to do with him. It’s between me and mom, he’s not legally responsible. Besides which they have FIVE vehicles for three people so if it’s such a big deal how about selling me one of those on payments, you asscuntmotherfuckers?

Yeah, filthy mouth cos I am hurt and pissed off.

I don’t wanna be, but the hormones are dictating responses now, the anxiety in second place, and….To quote the awesome Ramones….


And if I can’t be sedated…I really need a gofundme campaign to help get me the fuck out of here, far far away from these oppressive people called family who are eventually going to drive me to off myself.

Maybe not today, tomorrow, or the next five years. But all this time, them chiseling away, not trying to turn my kid against me….

Sedate or relocate seem to be the only options.

I am quicksand, screaming for the cats to go get help, and they are ignoring me, cos it’s what cats do.

Really shoulda let Spook have a dog, but then again…With her attention span on feeding pets and my inability to keep up with their walking/grooming/etc…The dog would likely be a petrified skeleton and as much help as the cats.

Everyone wonders why people do illegal drugs that destroy their lives.

THIS. My life. How much torment can you handle day in and day out before you crack your lids? Who wouldn’t want to escape?

My only saving grace is being too poor to buy drugs and too panicked to go looking for them to take out in trade.

If the legal ones that are supposed to save you just fail you and drag you down further…Hating everything seems to be an appropriate response as far as I am concerned.

“We’re all mad here” said the cat.

Truer words were never spoken at this moment. Pissed off or insane…I am both.


Once the hormone surge passes and the holidays are over I will likely be okay…Until then…I’m the equivalent of dry socked of a tooth, only this is dry socket of my entire psyche.

TragicH8teball predicts this week will not end well if I can’t find a magical way to hold my tongue.



5 Responses to “Please sedate me or pay to relocate me…”

  1. This reminds me a little of what fellow blogger E has gone through with her dad and I do not like where this is going. You are not over dramatizing or being too much in thinking they have crossed lines.

    Because the truth is, whether directly or not, they’re brainwashing Spook into becoming what they think she should be — speaking against you which is a huge no-no — and that’s not something you should let fly. I know sometimes we may need these toxic people for situations that come up in life, but honestly neither you nor Spook need this bullshit.

    You have enough problems to add all this load of bullshit they are feeding your child. I’m going to tell you what I told E: I understand wanting to be fair and letting Spook have a relationship with her grandparents, fine. NOT at the expense of her well being. Honestly, I feel like her well being isn’t in relating with them. A child should be taught the basics of life and allowed to grow into who they desire with the tools and lessons and values you teach them.

    This isn’t the same idea your stepmother has and it’s a behavior your father is allowing by not saying “shut the fuck up and respect this is how MY daughter wants to raise her child.” When relationships are good for a child, sure, let her cultivate them, but not this shit. This is unacceptable.

    I am so fucking angry about the card. What does that say to Spook too? Mommy isn’t even on the card! They are instilling the belief that you don’t fucking matter or are good enough because you don’t fit whatever standard they deem you should. That’s not right. Call me up if you need a stabbing buddy. I got my arms flexed for some action.

  2. tossing some cyber hugs your way…hope you find an island of peace

  3. Hell yes, you need a fucking emergency airlift out of there. I don’t think you’re wrong about the whole set up around Spook; either the stepmonster is planning to move her in or hijack your daughter’s heart, which amounts to the same thing. Talk to Spook about it if you can. Tell her how hurt you are. Seems to me she’s the only one you can talk to in this. ❤

  4. Dammed! I SOOO agree with Zoe! Stepbitch (I mean step monster) must be one insecure fuckin bitch to try to win over/brain wash/pit Spook against you! I’m so sorry, even sorrier for Spook, she’s so young & being in that environment surrounded by those thoughts & actions ~ DAMNED! If you by chance are a little paranoid IT’S WARRANTED! my ass would be flying all over that woman!! & Dad for sitting back letting her hurt (no – ABUSE) you n Spook. In in the mood to give an ass stompin’!! HUGS!

  5. Jesus Christ what a bitch. How dare she do that? I get pissed off enough that my relatives won’t address me by my legal name that’s been my (not legal) name since 2001. Grrr some people will just sieze any opportunity to trample on other people.

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