I have taught Spook (because I stream stuff so much) “What is that filthy word?” And she laughs and says, “Buffering!”

That’s when it hit me. My entire life, with bipolar and all the other mental bullshit, is like a video that constantly keeps buffering. I get a forty second clip of the show, then more buffering…To the point I say “fuck it” and have to start all over with a new link or at a different time when maybe the server’s not so busy or my cable company isn’t upgrading and being douchey.

I can’t count how many times I have “stabilized” even if only for a few months.

I can’t count how many times (pretty much every winter, so yeah, thirty plus years of it) I’ve come crashing from “functioning well” to “barely functioning.”

So my life is an endless cycle of buffering and to me it seems, this is a common theme with many bipolar people. Up, down, stable, manic, depressed, down the rabbit hole. Over and over again.

We all hear the stories of “bipolar is manageable disorder and patients can lead productive normal lives.”

I suppose a solid single diagnosis like bipolar axis 1 might make that true.

But once you’ve crossed the line to bipolar 1,2, etc, throw in anxiety, ADD, panic attacks, paranoia, and everyday stress on top of things from the past that haunt you (ya know, the manic episodes, the depressive bouts, how you messed up at so many things and hurt people)…It ceases to be “easily manageable” and becomes “barely survivable.”

So here I am, trying to watch my movie, ie; live my life like all the other normal people, and instead I just spend every moment in a constant state of buffering. It’s frustrating.

Today…Yeah. Cloudy, damp cold, and my kid was up before 7 a.m. I had another rough night, trying to get to sleep, trying to stay asleep, failing. Woke around 2 a.m. and didn’t manage sleep again til after four. (I took my full daily dose of Xanax all before 8 p.m. so I was determined NOT to add any more pills even for sleep.)  Needless to say hyper morning happy child did not inspire me to crawl out of fort blankie. But I had to so I could put the trash out for pick up. Meh.

So far…I put on pants I didn’t sleep in, but the shirt…Meh. I made the bed, fed the cats, gave my kid pancakes. (She only eats the frozen ones you nuke, she will not eat pancakes when I make the real ones.) Feet had one of her dolls in his mouth and was either making love to it or eating it, not sure which. But when I told Spook she shrugged and said, “It’s the boy baby, let him eat it. Girls are what count.” Hmmm…Then she snapped her generic Barbie in half and broke it so I couldn’t even snap it back together. She said, “That’s okay, the aunt fairy doll will take care of the kids.”

Oh and to top it off…She drew me, her, and me vampire leprechaun husband who I will meet in Unicorn land, get married, and have another baby. She has my future all planned out.

Then she asked if she could draw a picture of a girl with no clothes.

Now,this hit me odd because I don’t talk about naked girls. And it hit me…She confirmed it. My brother has a mug with naked girls all over it and apparently, whatever video game she was watching him play had naked girls in it. Awesome. And dad and stepmonster had her spending most of the weekend with my brother entertaining her so god knows what else she picked up. Like the green and brown cowboy boots weren’t disturbing enough (they are supposedly going to buy them for her for x-mas.)

When Spook was there the other day, Dad called me and I heard stepmonster in the background, “Well, she told me not to let your brother watch Spook but he drove her to the park and lalalalablahblah..” Um…They’re the ones always carrying on about his angry outbursts, laziness, and inability to pay attention to surroundings because he’s so wrapped up in his video games. Why would I want my child left alone with him? I don’t care if he’s turning 21 next year, or that my kid adores him. He has the mental capacity of a 12 year old so don’t guilt trip me for thinking my kid needs more supervision than that.

Her or Dad called last night. I didn’t answer or call back. Still pissy about the xmas card thing. I shouldn’t be, it seems petty. For all I know they’re going to give me a card later on. Still…It makes me want to write “Dad and (brother)” on their gift and leave her out. See how she likes it. It doesn’t matter cos in this fucked up so called family I will always be wrong, always the bad guy. Pfft. And I don’t get it cos I keep to myself so I can’t be doing much to deserve their crappy treatment.

All this started with me confronting stepmonster about all her “don’t tell mommy this and that”. The hang up was fucking mature. If she’d let me explain myself, I would have heard her out, too. Hell, even if the wording had been different…”I can’t tell you, Mommy, cos it’s a surprise for Christmas.”

I just think teaching kids that small to keep secrets from their parents because “I’m the adult and I say so” is a breeding ground for a kid who would keep quiet were they being abused. Is that wrong? Because that’s the first thing pedophiles tell a child, “Sshh, don’ tell mom and dad, this is our secret…”

Just creeps me out. I’m a mom and allowed to be paranoid when my kid’s well being is concerned.

It hit me earlier that were I to keel over…I have no true options on who I’d want to raise Spook. The stupid law would probably use that biological parent trumps all thing and give her to the donor. Much as I loathe him for abandoning her and always getting away with his shit…Would he be any worse than stepmonster and my dad turning her into a bumpkin same as they did my brother rather than allowing the kid to form her own identity? And mom’s not in great health, leaves her out. My sister, I love, but do I want my kid growing up in a house where some days the only thing to eat is ramen yet they have a fifty inch 4k tv and her husband plays video games all day and night, peeing in empty soda bottles so his game isn’t interrupted?

I know who I’d choose if it were feasible and this may come as a shocker….

R. He raised three girls as a single dad. He is good with kids. He’s shallow and narcissistic but he’s a hell of a lot better than my family. And he’d do it in a heartbeat EXCEPT…Mrs R has made it clear she doesn’t want to take care of small kids for more than an evening a week so she wouldn’t agree to raising Spook.

I guess that means I can’t die for the next 12 years at least. So I best be uber careful when I take my slaughter-0-matic for a spin. (Yes, stab-o-matic has been upgraded.)

Now back to choking on my sinus drainage and also, I apparently have to perform a wedding ceremony for Spook. She’s marrying her teddy bear.

Well, it’s better than marrying your cousin. Which stepmonster would probably have her do cos it’s the hillbilly way.

I gotta start limiting her exposure to those idgets,



6 Responses to “Buffering”

  1. I’ve got pancakes your kid will eat. I rarely make them from flour. More often I use any given buttermilk pancake mix powder, and water, and add a handful of sugar and a dash of cinnamon and/or nutmeg to the mix. Or, for variety a whisper of almost anything you’d put in a pumpkin pie-clove, allspice… Truuust me. Cook those up top with some butter and maple syrup and you (and the pancakes) are golden. My kids want to know what I do different than mom… so I told them, because I like being married and I don’t want them to hold anything over her head.

  2. Peeing in soda bottles…………………..

    • It is apparently a hard core gamer thing across the globe. And my sister empties them everyday. I just….ewwwww. People ask why I haven’t started dating after four years…with that type as the common thread in local dating pool…NOPE.

      On Tue, Dec 22, 2015 at 1:15 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  3. Eeewww pissing in bottles?!? Ugh yuck! Hmm,,,betcha that smells great?? hope it doesn’t spill!

  4. Buffering… like my whole life (with brief clips of the actual film).
    ANYBODY who tells a child to keep a secret from their parents is WRONG. Abusers start with something small to test whether the kid will really keep a secret from their parents… then they push the wedge in. Nothing makes me more angry than this shit. My childminder did it – it started with “don’t tell your mum but you can have a biscuit” (I had diarrhea and my mum had told her to only give me dioralyte). Then when her son sexually abused me when I was 6, I didn’t know who to trust or tell because of all this shit going on. So I didn’t tell anyone. And he got away with it.
    As for allowing the 21 year old with pics of naked women to take care of the kid? Use it against her if this ever comes to court and she’s challenging your ability to look after the child. Along with the shit about keeping secrets. Any judge with half a brain will see that she’s setting your child up in a very bad way.

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