Too Much And Such

I received this on my phone this morning when I was busy drowning in sloth and couldn’t lift my head to look.

boop and santa 15I cannot believe the grandparents allow my child to hang out with Satan. Er, Santa.

I used to take her to see him myself but then at some point my dad and stepmonster decided their armpit redneck town’s festivities are superior to this town’s and they started doing the whole bit with her. So I quit trying to compete. Besides, last time I took her, she kicked Santa. In her defense, red is a trigger color. I may work up the energy to try to catch “our” town’s santa and take her there. I don’t know. I just get sick of my dad and them swooping in and taking over because they can “afford” all the outings that I can’t. Yeah, sure, my panic issues make it a catch 22 for me all around but still…I was dying of flubola and needed help, no can do. But for the fun stuff that will make my kid worship them, oh, they’re right there.

Fuck me, right. (And that is less “my ego” and more, I feel shitty for not being able to afford to dazzle her with outings myself.)

Last night was Mangorita and Domino’s bread bite night. Cost less than buying a movie ticket and I got to watch whatever the fucked I liked. Which meant the entire forth season of Saving Hope. Now I am caught up and in the …show hole. I have some new eps I am behind on of Supernatural   but with the tv drought brought on by hellidays, I am saving Sam and Dean (and that fucking awesome car) to cheer me up during that time. Not sure what I will binge on next.

The shop was sorta chaotic yesterday when I put in my two hour appearance. He had friends hanging around, the phone was ringing, their cell phones were ringing and at one point, I started breaking out in hives and had to go outside, away from all of it. So yeah, social security and doctors, how does my condition affect my day to day normal existence? Pretty sure breaking out in nervous hives and fleeing outdoors spells it out. And I was Xanax-ed and putting off my nervous making meds til later. TOO MUCH. I can’t handle too much stimuli with grace.

And ya know, that is a hallmark of autism and the medical community accepts this. Yet with anxiety disorder, it just means you’re weak. WTF is that? Overwhelmed is overwhelmed. I cannot help if my IQ is considered “above average” therefore I can’t possibly have a legit issue with stimuli, it must all be my personality issues. There have been times I’ve almost felt like being slightly “bright” is a hindrance rather than a plus. Intelligence has little to do with mental illness on the mood/anxiety spectrum.

And I am back on the “too much” spectrum today. I slept until after 11 a.m. and I did feel twinges of guilt but I figured my body must have needed the rest, otherwise I’d have been up and anxiety tripping. It was a fight not to go back to sleep, too. I made the bed, fed the cats, got some iced tea…and looked longingly at fort blankie where my sleepy brain really wanted to still be. I didn’t give in, mainly because there is so much I need to do since my kid free time is dwindling. Housework, go under the trailer to fix the vent, clean out the car, go fetch cat litter and some groceries, oh, and I wanna try to write and…

Too much. I’ve crashed into anxiety ridden inertia.

My attempt at being functional consisted of spotting a neighbor I don’t really know and he was walking a dog and this pretty Siamese kitty was following him so I asked if it was is cat. Which turned into six more cats emerging and him telling me about how his ex had 20 of them inside so he threw her out, then put the cats outside, too. I lost interest when he told me they had a litter of kittens but the dogs ate them. NOPE. I was very content to sit on the step and let the siamese kitty and the black and white kitty love on me. People, no. Kitties…bring it on. LOOOOOVE. They are such simple creatures. They want their needs met. They will either love you, ignore you, or annoy you. There’s not worrying about betrayal. Cats aren’t there to be your best friend. YOU are their minion. I like it that way cos it’s kind of how I am.

It;s like that  Geico commercial where the guy is sinking in quick sand and tells the cat to go get help. “If you’re a cat…you ignore people…It’s what you do.”

“If you’re Morgueticia, you ignore people, it’s what you do.”

Meh, my social skills are lacking beyond please, thank you, and dude. (And btw, it’s not simply being a child of the 80’s or having arrested development that I still call everyone including my parents dude…For some reason, it was funny on That 70’s Show when Red Foreman called everyone dumbass…When I did it, it was insulting…So…all shall be known as dude even when my brain is screaming DUMBASS.)

So I have a gazillion things I should be doing (including making the effort of putting up a tree for my kid, but ughh…) My overwhelmed brain has gone deer in the headlights and can’t move. Maybe if I give myself some time and tackle things a bit at a time, without going full spaz…

I hate this state. I literally can’t even think clearly enough to choose a show or a song or determine whether I need to go pee now or if I can wait…Clusterfuck. Maybe all that time I thought the Lithium was too sedating it was actually just buffering against my own spazomatic brain. Slowing it down so things made sense.

I just hate living life in a that cobweb sleepy brain space, it’s like never truly waking up and you’re walking into walls and stumbling and…

I’d tell myself to visualize a stop sign and breathe but then my brain would freak out cos it can’t remember how many sides a stop sign has or what color the letters are or should the breaths be deep or shallow…

Neurotic is my name.

Here, one of my favorite Christmas songs. I’m fucked up but my macabre humor remains in tact. I always play this album when putting up the Christmas tree. It makes me happy.




4 Responses to “Too Much And Such”

  1. Spook looks great in that picture. Loved seeing her. I’m always happy when you share some pics. I too hope to do the same soon enough with just you girls.

    I swear that people don’t give importance to how triggering a shitty environment can be. Hey. We are still gonna have bipolar on the island away from dumbasses, but at least it’s gonna be 2% better than wherever we are currently standing.

    This weekend I felt like cooking. Since we can’t afford Chinese takeout this month, I made my own orange chicken and fried rice and let me tell you — that sauce I made was DAMN GOOD.

  2. Love the picture of Spook…she is adorable.

    I have spent the last two days under the covers in my bed. Every single thing MIL says triggers me and hubby has been working overtime so I’ve had no buffer. I wish I had my own house, a few miles away, that I could live in by myself and just have people come visit when I feel like dealing with them.

  3. you ALL have it right- this is why in my fantasy existence i have this bunker I hide in to go away. When people in my house are talking at me and I have Led Zeppelin on the headphones and they get all upset because I didn’t hear them… there’s a list in here somewhere. I’ll dig it out for a blog entry.

    Tales from the Crypt was an AWESOME show.

    Your daughter IS adorable.

    I see a behavior trend of this kind of people, not sure what to call them. They want to be the hero to the ones they want to be heroic to, but they treat other people they don’t give a shit about like… well, like shit. I’ve seen it. The dad on Dexter, and in real life I knew a lady and her kids and her ex, he was a shit who wanted to take the kids to party and carnival and then not pay his child support, so she could afford to feed them and clothe them, fucker. It’s not about who’s responsible for what and finger pointing and blame, it’s about learning you’re supposed to care about someone other than yourself (fucker!).

    I hope you’re able to emerge from the cobwebs, and when you need to, find time for fort blankie. I have a craving for solitude and 3 cups of hot cocoa and marshmallow fluff, and a dozen or so home made oatmeal cookies. Maybe I should go for a walk after work. Or bake. I should walk, but baking…

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