What’s It Like To WANT To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning

Outside of my spring/summer manic/stable periods, I find getting out of bed to be a very difficult task. Is this depression? Is it  because while I have acclimated to daywalking I am at heart  nocturnal? Is it the cold weather, short hours of daylight?

I am sure it has something correlation to my inability to stay asleep at night. That whole thing has me bent beyond belief. I lay down each night, searching for the sandman, and that is when my mind begins to spin. I will do X.Y.Z tomorrow…I will feel better once I get some rest, I’ll have the energy and willpower to go through with it…Oh and this needs done and…

So while my mind should be resting it is spinning at mache 2, robbing me of much needed revival time via sleep but even the sleep that comes is broken up into an hour here, two hours there. If  you were up every hour on the hour, does it not make sense that come that alarm bell, you’d be too tired to face the day with any true enthusiasm?

And the depression where everything is a chore, there’s never any true light at the end of the tunnel…You toss that in with lack of restorative sleep, it makes absolute sense you’d have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

Beyond that, though…I can’t remember a time, since going on mood stabilizers, where I woke feeling “oh, yesss, another day where anything is possible.”

My hope and enthusiasm have been murdered by the depression and the mood stabilizers quashing whatever tiny amounts of joy were once there.

Which even with mood stabilizers was not always the case.

My turning point was after I had my daughter. That was when everything changed, everything worsened. And I don’t think my doctors ever really addressed how post partum depression and hormonal fluctuations just may have worsened my condition to the point that even six years later…I can’t find a new baseline because I’m not who I used to be. The entire pregnancy thing brought about physiological changes, not just psychological ones.

So do I lack the will to leap out of bed and face the day with optimism because I am just an exhausted single mom whose child requires all her energy? Or did something in my change so drastically that I don’t have the capability of leaping out of bed ready to face the day?

Make no mistake about it. I have not once regretted having my daughter. I did  not do the baby blues where all my problems were her fault due to crying and nighttime feedings and her getting more attention than me. Having her was the best choice I’ve ever made.

Yet something in my brain’s never been quite the same and the doctors don’t want to hear it, which for a woman who’s had a child yet has a history of depression, means you’re being done a disservice.

IDK. I guess I just don’t have any deeper thoughts going on this morning because I am still licking my wounds from last night’s epic fail of “forcing” the creativity urge to come out. I just know today was the third day in a row the alarm went off and I would have sold my soul and kidneys just to stay under the covers and not have to face another day of being in this same mental space. I just can’t see any hope or future here. It’s like a car stuck in mud and the more I try to floor it the deeper I am dug in. But they don’t have psychological tow trucks to drag you out of the rut.

Am I doomed to this feeling of lethargy and dread every single morning for the rest of my life?

Truth be told, I think the best thing a doctor could do would be to slowly wean me off ALL meds but Xanax, then start tackling things one at a time. If the Lamictal/lithium combo was what had the best long term success, it should be given another whirl. Then start tossing in what else may be needed. I’m so bogged down by meds and the doctor keeps telling me his goal is for me to be high functioning on as few meds as possible yet here I am proposing just that and because I am not manic, he sees no reason to throw in the lithium.

That doesn’t really help you see light of day, either, when you feel like the very person who is a lifeline to getting back on your feet, so to speak, is so set in his ways and unwilling to go out on a limb to help.

So once again I sit here and think about all the things I could be doing and it’s like to an extent I am paralyzed. I can’t seem to break outside whatever panxiety darkened room I am locked up in here.

And no, I don’t want any woe is me. Pity and sympathy have never been the point of this blog.

This is just where I am today, or at least this hour, in my mental state. Feeling dejected, exhausted, hopeless. And insult to injury everyone around is all jingle bells and bows and all I wanna do is sing, “Fa la la la, go fuck yourself.”

Though that last part is problem just my grinch DNA, can’t blame everything on being mental.




7 Responses to “What’s It Like To WANT To Get Out Of Bed In The Morning”

  1. Getting out of bed is the hardest task for me to do, right before breathing. I don’t know what it is or how to cure it.

  2. Just one thing, Morgue, practically speaking, about sleep. Just maybe something to discuss with your doctor next time. Xanax is shitty for sleep. Shitty shitty. If you read benzo User Review boards the optimal benzo for sleep is Valium because of the long ass half life. Xanax during the day is ace at quashing panxiety etc, but the short half life and fierce rebound anxiety is hell on the nerves. You prob know all this but thought I’d mention it, because yeah it’s a truism but a true truism: sleep may be the thing in line behind “roof” and “bite to eat” in terms of dealing with this brain monster bipolar whatever the eff it’s called.

  3. I have had sleeping problems like that all my life which is how long I have had BP. I was an infant up all night. My mother hated me, well not really, but she hated me being up all night. She cursed me.

  4. I have the exact same problem. when I lay down at night I suddenly have the clarity to plan the next year of my life. Therapist suggested putting a small notebook by the bed to write that stuff in immediately so I could take it off my brain. I scoffed and swore it wouldn’t work, but did it anyway because I’m the poster child for compliance. Damn thing works! It doesn’t help me sleep, but it helps remove the mental “to do” list so it stops spinning around.

    Getting out of bed, happy to face life is something that hasn’t happened in recent memory. Even on vacation, I really just wanted to lay in the comfy bed and watch Pitch Perfect 2 on the TV.

    I am forced out of bed these days to feed the cats. Leila’s diabetic so a schedule of feeding and insulin is critical. I don’t want to get up, I have to get up. And the difference between the two really sucks.

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