The Panxiety Hobgoblin

Panxiety
noun
The point where anxiety becomes so high you begin to feel paranoid.

Hobglobin
No fucking idea. See picture.

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The work one trailer down continues. Lots of trucks coming and going, lumber being brought in, hammer, drills…Five days straight now. My anxiety has reached a new level. The point where whatever plans I had for going out into the petri dish are on hold. Because the panxiety has set in and it’s crippling. I am even breaking out in hives.
No trigger aside from the constant noise.
How does one avoid noise? Life is noise.
Am I doomed to be triggered for life every time a cricket chirps?
Has the panxiety hobgoblin stolen my soul and this is what I can look forward to until I’m taking a dirt nap?

I’ve already taken 1mg of Xanax. For all the good it has done. Every sound is making me feel like my skeleton is trying to escape from my skin. I really truly feel so fragile that if I were able to bully myself into going out into the dish…I am not sure I’d be able to even do more than put the key in the car ignition and sit there, stomach churning, dreading. I used to have that problem a lot. In recent years it’s gotten lesser yet it’s never pleasant to want to do something but not be able to push yourself that far.
And it’s NOT a matter of trying harder, sucking it up, being tougher.
There are days you aren’t so fragile and can work your way through it.
There are days when no amount of self bullying or bullying from others can push you past it.

Hobgoblin.

Last night I was all, I will go to Aldi tomorrow for a few things as soon as they open in the morning.
And it’s morning and here I am. I should have gotten groceries already and headed for the shop. Instead I am sitting here in my darkened crypt jumping at every little noise, my ears itching, my skin breaking out in raised red welts that itch…And I am whipping out the megaphone and pompoms and telling myself YOU CAN DO THIS DISH THING, YOU ARE A BADASS.
No, apparently all my badassishness was yesterday. Because I didn’t feel so damned fragile from the anxiety point of view.
It’s all about frame of mind.
When your mind sends out the wrong signals so you perceive innocuous things as a threat, thus fight or flight kicks in…That’s not “shake it off” territory. It’s more like “ride it out and get things done once your mind settles down and becomes less unstable.”
Not avoidance. Just a delay. Kind of like mowing the lawn when you have a migraine and know the sun and noise will make it worse. So you wait until the migraine goes away then you do what you gotta do. No one critiques that.
So why are mental issues so bastardized and scoffed at?
And why do some people find mental illness “amusing”. I don’t even know what to do with that one, honestly.
Oh, I have a sense of humor about it all-t-shirt that says, “I hear voices and none of them like you.” I’ve had snarky jacket buttons and keychains with such sayings since long before I was ever diagnosed with anything.
So while it is one thing to have a sense of humor about mental issues…It is not fodder for mockery. If one being mentally ill amuses you, YOU are far more mentally dysfunctional than we in the tribe could ever be.

And maybe that’s part of my anxiety, is all this internet mockery of mental illness. So many of us, different locations, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different genetics, differences in how we were raised…
But we all seem to mirror the same symptoms. How can it not be a legit disorder? Is it less feasible than assuming it’s some sort of hysterical conspiracy we’ve concocted?

The naysayers get me down. Simply because they are in mob numbers. They troll, they insult, they dismiss and scoff. They refuse to be educated. They have zero empathy.
And a few of those naysayers are my own family members.
It’s hard not to feel let down. We get “people are for the most part good” shoved down our throat and yet because our brain chemicals cause us to misinterpret things…we get to see just how untrue that is. There are good people.
There are also some shitty people whose only purpose in life seems to be a desire to be cruel and make others feel shitty.
Which to me is a personality trait. A personality trait belonging to assholes.
What? Is it unfair of me to call bullying trolls assholes?
Ya mean, kind of the way it’s unfair that bipolar and anxiety, etc, are all “crazy.”

I think the Xanax is finally kicking in. I am thinking a little more clearly now. I’m still not ready for dish time but…
I’m riding it out.

Panxiety hobgoblin I do not
like you, at all
I wanna push you off a tall building
and watch you fall
Oh hobgoblin won’t you just
get off my back
Or I’ll bash in your skull
when I finally crack

********
Postnote-
I finally did brave the petri dish. Just my luck, Dollar Tree was packed and the lines were reaching to Cambodia. Meanwhile my anxiety starts to climb and my ice cream is melting…It didn’t kill me but it wasn’t particularly pleasant, either.
Point being…Three hours prior, I was scared to venture out. I literally felt like I had a target on my front and back and every dish dweller was armed to the teeth. Logical? Hell to the no. Very real, though. Counselors can help you gain perspective over your distorted thoughts, of course, but they can’t be there for in *that* moment. Sometimes…
It’s just a matter of riding the storm out and postponing until you feel more solid.
Don’t let anyone , McMuggle or professional, make you think that is wrong, as long as you actually follow through at some point.
Give yourself some slack.

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14 Responses to “The Panxiety Hobgoblin”

  1. That looks like me in the “morning” — lol

    • I found that pic while checking out the horror movie section on Hulu and found it hysterical.
      I was gonna post one of the horror movie clown but I’m afraid it will make Sass stop talking to me.

  2. Screaming Jean Says:

    That photo LOL. I’m a real one for not going places because of anxiety getting the better of me, my whole life has been ruled by it. Bailing on friends, work functions, shopping trips, you name it. It sucks because over time people pick up on it too and label you as flaky. I always made excuses up, never the truth of course! Then hiding it brings a whole new circle of fuckery, you hide the anxiety from people and hiding it makes you more anxious. Blah. What a shitty cycle.

    I am glad you managed to get out though, and get shit done, even if it did suck. It’s the best we can do, wait for the wave of shit to settle and make running jump into the car and in and out of said shop.

    • Yeah, I think I’ve worked every possible place in this tiny assed town in the past and none of them have a good thing to say about me. The saddest part is, my work was awesome.
      It was my reliability, panic attacks, and need to go in back for a crying breakdown that got me blacklisted.
      Mental illness is not flakiness nor laziness. It’s as crippling as any physical illness.

  3. YOU CAN DO THIS DISH THING, YOU ARE A BADASS not to mention all that beauty. You could’ve just charmed your way to the front of the line, because nobody likes melted ice cream. Glad you did succeed. I go out into it because I have to go outside again. NEVER because I want to. In 20 minutes plus commute I go into hibernation mode. Last night, thank God, I fell asleep (in a chair) at 9PM while others were watching some crap show i lost interest in after the first hateful irritant. The dear daughter said I was being overly sensitive. Well someone should be, and it happened to offend me, so zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I wish I were a badass; I could’ve changed the world… I mean, the channel.

  4. The only real question that remains for any situation in my life is now: would I lick an hallucinogenic frog? Usually it’s duh, yeah.

    • After the reactions I’ve has to shit like Latuda…Toads inducing hallucinations seems like child’s play.

      On Fri, Dec 4, 2015 at 4:03 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Well then def avoiding Latuda. I know my pdoc, when I hand him the arrest papers, will basically have me hostage (since I need his letter of rec), so I’m going to stick with mood stabilizers and add Topomax to the Depakote. Then Keppra. Then hallucinogenic toads.

      • Beware of Topamax. I had an adverse reaction and it caused all my muscles to stiffen and lock up. I was hobbling around like a 90 year old for a week after that but there was know way of knowing how I’d react. Not to deter, just making you aware of what my doctor failed to warn me about. He won’t prescribe Depakote to women, says it causes ovarian tumors yet he pushes that Latuda like it’s magic beans and it causes way worse side effects. Pisses me off that he’s so stringent on his own notions yet dismisses my concerns. Assquackery.

        On Fri, Dec 4, 2015 at 4:35 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I beware them all: werewolves battling dragons. But since he will insist on Something, and since you are the resident den mother of the mediground, can I ask a question? Lithium makes me straight suicidal: Lamictal was a placebo or worse: Gabapentin did nada, Latuda is out of the question, Thorazine is prn etc. I’ve only got real relief from Depakote and benzos. AD’s are not an option, I sky rocket. So just in your personal opinion, does it make sense to first try Topomax and Keppra before Abilify and the atypical antipsychotics or whatever they’re called. Or, just personally, what mood stabilizer would you first opt for if Lamictal, Lithium, and Depakote were already off the table? I will do my research, of course, just if you were to pick one, which?

      • That’s a toughie cos I’ve only ever had luck with Lithium and Lamictal. I’d say either Abilify or Geodon simply because they are geared toward the manic episodes of bipolar one. Mania seems to be your mortal enemy. I did not do well on Abilify but I had a friend who had a psychotic break after a manic bout and the Geodon and Abilify fixed the mania, psychosis, violent outbursts. They are atypical anti psychotics but for bipolar axis 1…They’ve been helpful to many people.

        Something to research and ask the doc about since the old tried and true ones are out. If amazes me that they have an anti depressant for every day of the year yet so little progress has been made on the mood stabilizer front. I know they tout their atypicals but many of us have bad luck with them so we’re left with the older meds. Very disappointing.

        Good luck. I’ma keep a stash of hallucinogenic toads on hand in case you need them, though.

        On Fri, Dec 4, 2015 at 5:00 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Great! Thank you so much! See him Tuesday so I will get down and dirty researching the ones you suggested. Really appreciated Morgue! I permit you to go poke my severed head in your freezer with a spork 🙂

  5. Love the pic! (Thought was a gremlin at first glance). I’m default panxiety. (& hypomanic) Everything, ,, sound, visual, vibration, MAJOR SYSTEMIC OVERLOAD! ugh. Nikki told me I should go Amish (seeing it’s quiet & awfully dammed close) hmmm???

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