Even in my dreams, I am a neurotic

Just woke up awhile ago from some FUBAR dream..But in it a guy asked me out and because he was a friend of my sister’s…I kept shunning him cos I didn’t trust him not to blab, plus he used to date my sister’s friend who is um, way too sexually liberated and I didn’t want to really…Um. Yep. I can’t even dream like a normal person. Even asleep I have to be a neuroses laden fucked up mess. Yay me. Though in all fairness it reeks of my reality. Everyone in this town knows everyone and has slept with everyone and EWWW. Nope. I don’t just have trust issues, I have “not even with a body condom” issues. Let ladytown gather some more cobwebs, ain’t that desperate.

Can’t. Even. Dream. Right.

Blargh.

What I did do right last night was…feed spawn and myself, I showered, she got a bath, then we watched Garfield’s Thanksgiving together. It was cute. She said, “This was made in the fifties, wasn’t it?” Um…1989, actually. Stupid computer animation has made children forget the wonder of old school cartoons, for fuck’s sake. And frankly, the special effects ruined The Hulk for me. Give me back the Lou Ferigno/Bixby days that weren’t so overdone. Cripes.

Following being a “good mom” I went in search of fiction soup for the soul on Hulu. (Home of video buffering that you PAY for!) Then the impossible happened. I found a comedy I WANTED to watch.

Of course, it was a parody of Breaking Dawn called Breaking Wind, but since Vampires Suck (Twilight parody) is one of my all time faves, I thought, what the hell…

And I laughed. and laughed. I laughed so hard I peed a little and my sides hurt and iced tea shot out of my nose. OMG. Over the top mockery of so many pop culture inanities and it was fucking hysterical. I even loved the part where they mocked Johnny Depp and I like him but honestly, he takes on some bizarre roles and they’re usually over the top. (Except Scissorhands, will always love that one.) I’ve never even watched Breaking Dawn (I went old school and read the book) but wow, this parody was intoxicatingly funny. Generally not a fan of the infantile “fart” humor but in this movie, it worked cos ya know, title, it applied. Wow. Been a loooong time since a movie made me laugh that much. Think actually it was two years ago when Bex finally twisted my arm into watching The Heat. Yeah, that movie was funny as hell, too.

So while my humor is definitely a very dim pilot light in the dark…It’s still there. Not my fault if film makers turn out drivel that doesn’t tickle my funny bone. Frankly they’re not churning out much that holds my attention anyway, even at my most Focalin-ed up. I did watch Alex Cross the other day, grudgingly, cos Morgan Freeman wasn’t playing Cross anymore. (Tyler Perry was in the role and I cringed and gagged, but…he wasn’t so bad.) The irony is, this movie is the book I am have been reading in ten minute jaunts waiting to pick up my kid at school. I am only halfway through the book,but let’s just say…The movie butchered up the book and bastardized it to the nth. The Butcher character is supposed to be this hottie with long hair, instead he’s this short creepy bald dude who screams “serial killer, run for your life, bitches!”. Cripes, Hollywood. WTF. Did James Patterson need the money that bad he’d let you rape is work that way?

Ah, that’s the writer in my coming out.  “Editing” is a filthy word in my world. (Like buffering.) I get rather bent when I’ve read a book and then see the movie and go, what the fuck, did a paper shredder churn this script out? Creative license is one thing. Frankenmovies suck. Make it true to the book or don’t fucking bother, fucksnarts.

It’s another wet cold gloom filled day here in Armpit, midwest. Weatherbug says it will be this way until Tuesday when at long last the sun will peak out and dry everything up. Yes, it is a wonder why my moods are so low when I am living in fucking Seattle here. (Oh, god, it could be worse, there could be grunge music playing, arrghhhhblurhh).

Aren’t I the ultimate enigma? I hate sun cos it hurts my eyes and gives me headaches yet my moods are such shit when it’s gloomy I crave the sun. (And no, assclowns, happy lights are not remotely the same.) If nothing else the sun warms the trailer up. It turns out you can “fix” things up but if it was made back in 1970 and is falling apart…It’s still gonna be ten degrees colder than a newer place. Sunshine warms the place up. Whereas during summer, gray days cool the place and that’s welcome.

We’re all mad here, said the cat.

The place is at critical biohazard seven, not even ebola would live here. And still…responsible mommy brain says, get off your ass and do it…depressed brain says, let it all BURNNNN. Seriously, heat kills germs, right? Meh. I will get to it. I even tried to bribe myself with thoughts of, “If you get X, Y, and Z done, you can have a guilt free Mangorita tonight.” Ha. Not even that is working. I can only imagine the fit my mom would have. There have been times when aside from a minor catbox smell (five cats, duh) and some dust, she declared the place unfit for a kid. Ha. I’ve outdone myself this time. No clean bowls or cups or forks. Four loads of laundry behind. Carpet growing new species of sabretooth cats. (Again, I’m taking vacuum donations, not like I enjoy feeding even more critters and sabretooths eat a LOT.) 

Way I see it is…My kid has been bathed. The fridge is full of food, including apples and celery. She has apple juice to drink. Her mom spends time with her. If the dust bunnies and dirty dishes are a deal breaker…There are gonna be lots of orphans being placed in foster care. I don’t get the world’s fixation on “cleanliness and godliness”. Seriously, if you buy the bible line, well, they didn’t even have indoor plumbing to bathe regularly and they sure as hell didn’t have Swiffer and Mr. Clean and anti bacterial wipes for every surface and orifice. So was God filthy? Yeah, I am harping on it again but I make a valid fucking point.

Oh and Fark.com lead me to a news story about two kids being removed from a home that had “cockroaches in every room.” Yeah, the naked mom passed out on the couch and only baloney in the fridge for the kids to eat weren’t the kicker. It was some roaches. Guess what? Even good clean people get roaches. God knows I have tried everything short of a nuke to get rid of mine. And the landlord is prepping the next door trailer for new residents so he had Orkin there, which means…the ones that don’t die will come to my place. I am fighting a losing battle here and I have to feel like a scumball every single day over something thats not my damned fault. Maybe I should just go all Grissolm from CSI and turn the roaches into pets, get me my own cockroach racing gang. Cripes.

Ya know, when I start these posts…I usually only mean to do three paragraphs. But then…yeah, scumbag brain lets loose. Oh, well. It wouldn’t be my blog if it weren’t all ranting and rambling.

I am gonna ponder clothes I didn’t sleep in (but these fleece line sweat pants are so warm and comfyyyy!) and the “cleaning” thing. Tragic H8te ball says not to hold your breath.

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17 Responses to “Even in my dreams, I am a neurotic”

  1. Before even reading the rest of this piece, i’ll have to send you a vibrator for Christmas!

    • ​Um…NO. I just watched a show where some of the newer ones are blue tooth capable so any half ass hacker could be in charge (ha ha) of it. Pass.

      On Sat, Nov 28, 2015 at 11:10 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • You think I could afford one that fancy!

      • ​IDK, I figured if you order from an American company, a lady hears the Brit accent, you get stuff for free. Is that another urban legend?​

        On Sat, Nov 28, 2015 at 11:30 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Never tried, but the English have a few hundred years of hatred to make up for since we kind of took over and pissed off half the world!
        Yet our accents are apparently sexy?
        Note to self, do American porn films to cover rent and buy a boat…

  2. Nuke the place, blame the roaches and claim the insurance
    If you have a body lying around fake your death and claim the life insurance too!

    If I lived nearby I would clean the place for you, damn ocd and perfectionism
    My mess fine, anyone else can burn for not washing up everyday… Just as well I’m fucked in the head, takes the edge off the crazy!

  3. PS: Don’t take that as an insult, I’m just an arsehole when my anti-social filters are on the Fritz
    Should be social filters but this is me!

  4. I swear I had the hardest time re-focusing the rest of the post after I read Johnny Depp’s name. He is so banging. I’ve watched all his movies like the trash I am. I did watch Scissorhands when I was five and that started me on my love for “weirdness.”

    I think Hulu was better before than now. Back in the day I could watch a few shows but then it became impossible. Glad the things I watch are on other outlets cause they made me homicidal.

  5. Johnny Depp = YUMMY! (Female boner!). When I was younger, until I was 15 maybe? We had german roaches so bad they were inside the radio, fell off tops of internal doors when we opened them, etc, ,, we set off bombs, had exterminators, etc, ,, we were in the middle house of 3 row homes & they would leave our & return when it was safe, ,,, ewww gross. I totally m understand you! !

    • Thank you kindly for not not making me feel like a bug queen. I have tried everything but until it is wiped out en mass,, my good intentions mean fuck all. I could have had a new laptop for what I have spent on bug killing stuff, Computer would have been way more fun, considering all was an epic fail.

      On Sat, Nov 28, 2015 at 4:53 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • They’re disgusting, impossible to rid!!! Thank god I never woke up with any on me. I can only tell you how extremely embarrassed I was. I will never, nor could, Judge anyone for that.

      • It is embarrassing, but I won’t be judged. My sister is the “saint” of housekeeping and even they had to go with the Orkin guy.

        Life is ugly ,nasty,and involves ickiness like roaches. Until the masses accept this, all their “I know what it’s like to be judged for being broke, making an effort and failing…” Nothing will change. Which just convinces me further that people who claim to be so tolerant and open minded…really aren’t.

        On Sat, Nov 28, 2015 at 5:11 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • IKR, I grew up destitute, went to a VERY snobby school (most kids parents were doctors, etc – rich) I was constantly scrutinized & judged, BULLIED was a kind description, ,,

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