Bleak Friday

Tis gray, cold, and rainy here today so Bleak seems an appropriate adjective. My mood”s pretty meh and I am feeling cold, achy, and lethargic. Nothing new following the stress of a holiday, even one where nothing particularly traumatic happened. (Momster got her normal digs in, but whatever.) Thus far today, Spook and I have run to the shop and R bought me a pack of smokes for ordering a couple of parts and fetching him lunch. I can live with that.

Shark week has come to an end, which just about figures. When I don’t have to be out and about the pain goes away but when expected to be functioning, I am crippled by ovary Oompa Loompas, ffs. I am suffering a headache from when we stopped at Jiffy Stop and it was all busy and the gas pump things were just constantly beeping. (How can you not admire people with steely enough nerves to handle working in such a chaotic mess???) I’ve done my due diligence and called both family factions for post holiday check in. Just finished watching The Lazurus Effect, which was fucking weird. But I like weird.

The spawn has been  so well behaved it’s like invasion of the body snatchers. Except they left her yappy mouth behind. I let her have my tablet to play and she still has to fill every moment with noise. Geesh. Not helping the headache, nor is the Tylenol. Just such a pointless dreary day. I’ve indulged in the usual Fangsgiving leftovers. Anti climactic. All that work and for what? To listen to everyone bitch how full they are blah blah blah. Such a depressive holiday even if the spirit is good. Fuck you, Hallmark and money grubbing companies who use holiday spending to buy new jets.

Lots of noise from passing traffic in the trailer hood today. Got my panxiety up so I had to take a Xanax, which I’ve not needed all week due to being in so much misery. Of course, stupid me didn’t even think to take one this morning before venturing into the dish. DERP. Black Friday, traffic was nerve racking. I survived unscathed but damn, I can’t believe I’m so lethargic I didn’t even think about traffic. It’s like my body is going through the motions but my brain is still in fort blankie snoozing. Not even an energy shot helped. This cold and dampness just drain me. Gloom used to revive me. People looove to say it’s because I am older now and I have a kid and yada yada. I blame the depression for sucking the life out of me.

And therein lies the rub. The doctors and counselors and McMuggles always want to make it about “what is going on in your life right now that is making you so depressed.” With bipolar depression, there doesn’t need to be an outside trigger. LIVING in your own misfiring brain is enough. I don’t have an awful life. We have all our needs med, even if not in lavish style. No more stress than is normal for holiday season. No bridges burned I have to repair. Depression is my baseline, sadly. Mania used to be my six month baseline, then depression my fall/winter baseline. Since mood stabilizers…It’s about two or three months of “semi stable” and the rest is all depression. I sometimes wonder if the mood stabilizers cause the worsened depression by quashing too many of the feel good chemicals.

And this joke of “happy lights” and “light therapy” because seasonal depressions are only caused by that factor alone…it would make me laugh if it didn’t make me so furious. UV lights give me massive headaches so while I don’t discount their positive impact on lifting the mood…Do I really want six months of headaches for maybe a 1% boost in my mood that lasts an hour IF I am lucky? I get it, sunlight is good for the brain. Except when you’re hypersensitive to bright light (which I NEVER was prior to years on lithium, the primary side effect of which is…extreme sensitivity to bright light, maybe it altered me or something.)

Besides which, bipolar depression can happen any time, any season, any weather, light hours be damned. So STOP FUCKING ASKING WHY A DEPRESSIVE IS DEPRESSED AND JUST TREAT THE FUCKING SHIT. I want dual mood stabilizer therapy since the anti depressant dual therapy isn’t doing fuck all. He’s already nixed that cos I am not manic. Just beating my head against a wall here, all the while every single fucking visit he bemoans, “You’ve tried everything, I don’t know what else to do.” UM, LISTEN TO ME AND LET ME DO A DUAL MOOD STABILIZER?? Much as I loathe Lithium and its nasty side effects and lab work, it, combined with Lamictal and NO anti depressant, gave me the longest most stable periods. The depression was there, but the way I coped with it was different because my brain was solid.

I don’t see him til after X-Mas so I guess I tread more water and pray to the pegacorn the dual anti depressants gain traction. I’d hate to lose the Cymbalta, truthfully, cos it ups my energy and lessens my knee pain. But it’s certainly not been the wonder drug it once was, lifting me out of the depths. Then again, none of them ever have. And especially not their newfangled atypical antipsychotics that are supposed to be superman and wonderwoman combined for bipolar. Bullfuckingshit. It’s poison. They don’t work and I have had more side effects with them than any other drugs combined. Still they keep pushing them as the cure all even when you take shit like Latuda and it tells you to kill yourself daily. “You just need a higher dose.”

What I need a is a lawyer on retainer so I can sue my shit doctors.

Okay…Rant over. Time to find another movie to rot my brain. Is it wrong to look forward to bedtime every single night? Even if I don’t sleep through and have fucked up dreams, I anticipate blankie fort time like it’s an expense paid trip to the islands. Every. single. night. The depression has quashed my hopes. The word “future” means shit to me nowadays. What fucking future? Just more treading water, more round and round on the hamster wheel.

If they had paid posterchildren for depression, I could afford to send my kid to all the ivy league schools at the same fucking time.


10 Responses to “Bleak Friday”

  1. There’s def a connection with mood stabilizers and longer depressive phases that I’m sure they don’t want us to dwell on. I overheard a colleague of D say “better for them to be sad than out of control.”

    Which is probably why most shrinks don’t give a flying fuck when you’re still depressed as hell, but NOT manic. From all the extremes they prefer to leave us with the one that makes a shadow of our former selves. God help me come December and having to fight Dr. R about Lamictal. Again.

    About to head out to the beach. The sun will set in half an hour. We just want to breathe in the clean air, so time hardly matters.

    My room is now a Christmas tree full of lights and I’m still depressed as fuck. Yeah, it’s just my situation. Fuuuuck ’em.

  2. Meh, is it wrong to look forward to bedtime?! My question/thought is is – it wrong to look forward to a nice long dirt nap? Cause that’s my hour to hour thinking. I’m taking lamital & lithium. Just bumped lith from 450mg BID to same dose plus 300mg more HS, coz my levels were 0.6 (normal values 0.6 – 1.2). We shall see. [currently on brintellix 20, lit 450, lamital 150, AM, – lamital 150, lit 450, lit 300 HS, alprazolam 0.5 up to 1TID-QiD & trazadone 100 HS,,,] i’m Fucking tired of breathing, living. But Imma see what happens with the Rx change. I wanna die,,, I really can’t wait! There, that there makes me smile. To slowly seal the deal, imma smoke a cig,,,

    • I love the term “dirt nap”. Though I am perplexed how I could smoke a cig through the dirt….
      Ya know, if Heaven doesn’t have a smoking session I am just gonna request a straight to hell ticket. I doubt I’d ever have to worry about not being able to find a flipping lighter down there. 😉

      • LOL!!! 😉 I’m requesting a smoking casket!! Not really, donating myself to med science, ,,

      • ​I’m pretty solid on donating my body to science, one cos I can’t afford a burial or cremation, and two, I like the idea of contributing to the world through educating students. But I watched this movie the other day that took place in a med school and one of the morgue guys said, “If you see the box that says “donate body to science…don’t EVER check that box.” Then he proceeded to poke around in this tank of formaldehyde and dead bodies until the one he wanted floated to the top.

        Meh, why should I have dignity in death, I didn’t get it in life.

        I am serious about the donation, though. I want my fucking brain STUDIED for the purpose of learning about bipolar and how to make sure others don’t have to be this fucking miserable.​

        On Sat, Nov 28, 2015 at 10:04 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Ewww that’s disgusting! I saw a documentary called “The Body Farm”. It’s in University of Tennessee for study of forensics the study & understanding of human decomposition. It’s on a large area of fenced in land. Google it, it’s cool.

      • ​There are body farms all over the world, I watched one documentary last week on a new one I’d not heard of. It was grisly, yes, but also, fascinating from a scientific point. ​People assume I am this gore whore but mainly I like special effects in movies. I much prefer the science when it comes to actual dead bodies. I could have done that as a career. If I weren’t so squeamish about maggots. I can’t do maggots. Nope. I can’t even see people eat ramen or rice cos it reminds me of maggots. Icky.

        On Sat, Nov 28, 2015 at 11:06 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • I’m into that too, ‘cept like you said maggots no no no!!

  3. Screaming Jean Says:

    Ah sleep, my only saviour. And naps, basically my whole life at the moment. I can’t be bothered eating, breathing, or moving today. Anything that requires effort, nope. So I lay here and wait for a meteorite to hit my bedroom. Take me now.

    • Every time we have a tornado alert and everyone around me starts flipping out cos I live in a gasp, trailer…I just shrug and tell them it’s about damn time that budget relocation plan kicked in. Maybe we’ll land in sunny California….Tornado, take me away…

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