I have Cramps and a set of Ginsu Knives…what did you want to say?

I would be really pissy about being awake before 8 when I could have slept in while the kid is at grandma’s…It would be greedy, though. I literally spent all of yesterday in bed minus a few minimal upright moments. I didn’t think it got worse than flubola ’15. Least during that I tried to sit up and I did have the laptop open to watch stuff. Oh, no, yesterday that didn’t even happen. The laptop went unused for the first time in a year for over 27 hours, it’s so cold, it has icicles growing from it. How shitty must one feel not to use their beloved laptop or chain smoke?

I slept yesterday. That’s pretty much it and in a way I feel guilty and slothful and yet…it’s this nifty thing I inherited from my paternal grandmother’s side. Periods so bad you spend time in bed. And my grandma was a mean workhorse so if it took her down, I’m lucky to still be breathing being a wuss and all. I’m still not sure where all the shivering then flashing hot ties in with it, but yesterday was a living hell. I didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, mind you, but when I say I spent the day in bed…I mean, literally. I took out trash, had to open a bag of cat food for the vermin. I tried to eat but the food tasted liked like raw sewage. Sleep seemed my safest bet. Especially in fort blankie with no fewer than four purring kitties on my pillows. That’s comforting. Except for Chaos who likes to nibble my face, that’s a wee  bit disturbing.

I don’t feel as  bad today, meaning the pain has settled into my spine and stomach rather than radiating madly. I am sitting upright in my desk chair, making an effort not to dive back under the covers. Which is what I wanna do, I am so sick of dealing with this ordeal every month. Between this for a week and bipolar and depression, it really isn’t a mystery why I am unstable except to the medical professionals who apparently missed connect the dots class. DERP. I have messages from R on my phone and I can’t be bothered. No doubt he’s gone venomous about me “ignoring” him. Never mind I tried to talk to him the other night but he was in a bad mood and his tone kind of brought on project hormonal tearstorm so he basically said “Nope” and walked out angrily. Yeah. He can treat me like that but if I avoid him until I am more  solid then I am the monster.

Catch fucking 22. And while a day or two from now when I solidify and the tears and pain die down, I may panic and think, omg, I’ve offended the person I need to get me smokes… Right now, it doesn’t fucking matter. He does this every fucking time i have a hard cycle, as overflowing hormones resulting in tears are a personal affront to him and I do it for fun. Cos it’s not embarrassing or demeaning at all, I looove having an audience for it. I’d rather shove bamboo under my nails than have a teary breakdown in front of man like him. Fuck. One more mess to clean up when in fact if he were a decent human being, he’d be apologizing to me for being so cold and rude.

Is that unreasonable? I don’t have any fucking idea, I am so off my nut right now.

Now some may say, “Morgue, this is an icky topic even for women, why would you talk about it so openly when you have male readers and it might gross them out and run them off?”

Simplest answer- education cures ignorance. I get so sick of men being allowed the “oh, gross, period talk, that’s a girl thing” excuse. Unless you’re a gay man, then you will inevitably deal with period talk cos it is a girl thing and you like girls. And believe it or not, men end up having daughters, who are girls, and period talk is involved. SO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, STOP WITH THE PMS JOKES UNLESS YOU ARE A WOMAN! This is not fun, this is not “ooh, I get a week of free bitchery cos I have cramps.” This for some of us is hell on earth, every single month, and instead of mockery we could use someone of the male ilk with a damned brain and heart who can grasp that this shit sucks.

Throw in the bipolar shit and we should be awarded medals for each cycle we don’t slaughter someone. It’s like being possessed, for fuck’s sake. I don’t do random crying. I’m angry and sarcastic and I DO NOT JUST BURST INTO TEARS COS SOMEONE’S TONE WAS TOO MEAN. And yet here it is…Hormones. Chemicals.

So whoever it is that wanted to ask who lit the fuse on my tampon (teee heee)….I have a set of Ginsu knives. What did you wanna say?



14 Responses to “I have Cramps and a set of Ginsu Knives…what did you want to say?”

  1. My exboyfriend used to call my period weeks “blow job week” …. he’s lucky I didn’t tear his dick off with my teeth. I have an IUD now, and my periods have been gone for two years and I am in love with that idea.

    • He would have turned me into a nun. NONE for you, ever.

      I tried the route of “no more period” birth controls and ended up with six month long periods and my hormones all messed up worse…Took me three years to get half ass right after that failed experiment. I’d had so much damned hope for it, too. Guess I can look forward to menopause. Not like there’s much difference between that and bipolar aside from the hot flashes. Oh and people have sympathy for menopause.

      On Wed, Nov 25, 2015 at 8:45 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  2. She slices, she dices, she chops and skewers! Come on down to Morgue’s Dicery for the finest cuts in town!
    Seriously though, I really have had sympathy pain for you. I did the merena and the 10 year IUD and then I ended up all fuckered up last year and the surgery. I’ve been on 2 different birth control pills-the “regular” dose made my periods worse so I went to like the lowest dose and I’m kosher now. (I don’t mean to brag) But the merena made my bipolar worse-like T-Rex after a meal awful.
    Theres nothing wrong with Fort Blankie. I still owe you a tote full of Golden Graham’s.

  3. La Sabrosona Says:

    Since my children still do not respect my bathroom privacy and pick the lock to get in while I’m doing my business, I’ll ask them to pass me a tampon or a pad and then send them on their way. They know that women bleed once a month (or that I do, anyway) I remember meeting a religious woman from Pakistan and she said that she would make sure her pads were hidden so that her boys wouldn’t ask questions. She thought it was completely unnecessary for them to know about menstruation. I don’t get that logic. It must be religious/cultural.
    I agree with you that boys/men should be knowledgeable about women’s cycles.
    Hope you feel better soon 🙂

    • oh my flyingspaghettimonster, NOOOO, Nobody is allowed to pick a lock in my house, especially when I’m in there, not that they haven’t already learned a healthy discretionary respect of and distance from my …issues. And I don’t want to pick anyone’s locks to barge in on their …issues, either. Thank you, no, I’m fine out here.

  4. yeah, it’s awkward but I grew up with a mom and sisters and now I have a wife and a daughter, so, whatever, it’s fine as long as you don’t make me come into the bathroom while you’re there, for any reason, ever. Yes, I’ll buy your supplies without any embarrassment, so at least I’ve made that much progress in life. Plan ahead, and do your best to clean up any evidence, and I’ll give you the same courtesy. I don’t want to know more, nor have anything more than a clinical understanding of any of anyone else’s digestive or monthly issues. Reading it on a blog is fine. Seeing blood is not. That may cause someone to throw a ginsu in my direction ::Deon ducks:: I just have privacy issues with private bathroom issues, including my own, and I don’t want to know more than I know- don’t want to see things, don’t want to hear things, ::shuts eyes, covers ears, stops breathing:: la, la, la, la, la At the risk of pissing some poor women off, I’ll say what I say whenever someone feels the need to report “I’m going to the bathroom:”

    Thanks for sharing. I hope everything comes out all right. (totally stole that response from one of my friends; he must have the ducking reflexes of a ninja.)

  5. I’ve been told women who pal around together can sometimes synchronize and thereby pose a greater risk for loss of (his) life and group-attempts to justify the homicide, or homicidal rages. Curious: do women who blog together synchronize?

    Don’t hurt me, I still love you all no matter what!

    • I’ve no idea on the sync thing, being a loner.

      As for gory details, I agree with you on that. I still think the reality of how painful this “monthly joke” is for some women needs to be addressed, nothing less, nothing more.

      Thank you for progressive from caveman era. I shall not stab you. Maybe fling paperclips at you…Hopefully they aren’t the ones Sass soaked in acid…

      On Wed, Nov 25, 2015 at 11:41 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  6. Screaming Jean Says:

    Lit the fuse on your tampon oh my god hahahahaha.

    I feel your pain, I really really do, I too followed in the footsteps of my Mum, her Mum etc with utter hell each month. I remember starting my periods at age 11 and each month I’d faint from both losing so much blood and pain, I would bleed through multiple pads(TMI LOL) sleep with towels under me, it was awful, until I was put on the pill and received some respite at last, to be normal. It was like ten thousand little devils sticking pitch forks in my womb. These days my periods are irregular for reasons doctors don’t even know – uhhhmm probably should be worried but no one can seem to figure it out so yeah, I can’t say I’m missing the pain but dunno what’s going on in the land of womb.

  7. Glossing over the gross womanly stuff, until I’m blessed with a relationship\cursed with a new hole in my Swiss cheese excuse for a heart, I’ll overlook and deal with other forms of Hell I can’t ignore! (That seeming funny, not a good sign!!)

    About to fall asleep so I’ll say this, zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz……………

    • Dude, if I had my way, it’d be gross womanly and manly stuff. Only way to understand it is to suffer it. Let the scientific experimentation begin! Guarantee a week’s paid vacation every month would be signed into law in every country for all genders. And humor of that ilk would be called justifiable homicide because ya know…men. ZZZZZ ZZZZZ

      On Wed, Nov 25, 2015 at 5:12 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  8. I grew up with both my dad & brother understanding all our period agony (they still told occasional period jokes likes most guys do) but they understood nonetheless. From age 11 -18 mine were a living hell. Went to ER when I was 13 the pain was soo bad. I got pregnant when I 18 & stopped nursing my daughter when she was 11 months old. In walked anorexia/bulimia & no more periods. Messed up my system, ,,

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