Battling The Inertia Of Bipolar Depression

I know the socially acceptable party line: “We all have those days where we just can’t get going and don’t have the motivation…You just gotta force yourself to do what needs to be done.”

Spoken by mindless dish dwellers who have zero clue what a bipolar depression is.

When I call it depressive inertia, I am not being dramatic or creative. I am not amping up the woe is me factor. Depression could be a synonym for inertia. I battled myself for three hours this morning, trying to “just do” what needed done. And I’d get up and fiddle and forget what I was doing or see what all else had to be done…I’d just collapse into my chair, exhausted mentally by it all.

One thing I have learned about myself…I cannot be bullied into things, not even by myself. My rebel nature kicks in and it gets ugly. It is much more productive to go with the inertia until I reach a point where my mind has slowed enough to tackle one project at a time instead of getting overwhelmed.

Today was like that. I did like six loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen floor (ish). I cooked myself supper, on a stove, instead of a microwave. I gave my kid a bath, showered myself. I even folded two baskets of laundry, leaving a lot for tomorrow along with the dishes but…I got something done.

With a minimum of anxiety, too , except when hearing people outside. Walking by, whatever, it always makes me think the maintenance guys are gonna demand instant access to my home due to some shared problem in the trailer park and…NOPE. The only person I let in my home without a shred of give a damn about its biohazard level is R. He’s known me long enough to know I am a slob of epic proportions and it’s not likely gonna change. Everyone else critiques and tells me I’m gonna lose my kid to the system if I don’t get those shelves dusted or clean down the cobwebs in the corner…R doesn’t do that shit and it helps me relinquish control of my safe bubble knowing I won’t be facing harsh criticism. Everyone else…needs to fuck off. Not like a single one of them have ever offered to help in the slightest.

So the spawn was devil-lite, my night was not dominated by social obligation, and truthfully…I am ready to drift off to sleep under vanilla bean. It will require sleeping pills eventually, no doubt. I will give it a college try without them. I knew once I started taking sleepers it’d get to the point (again) where my body is so adapted to having the help nodding off, I can barely go a night without them. Methinks the doctors are dumb as dirt, handing us more problems when we’re asking them to help us get fewer problems.

Oh, if anyone is curious…the sun played peek a boo all day and my mood was less lethargic. Unfortunately, the sheer curtains in the living room resulted in my retinas being scorched so I had to seek the dimness of the crypt.

Yeah,  I don’t get me, either. Lends an air of mystery, doncha think?


9 Responses to “Battling The Inertia Of Bipolar Depression”

  1. AAAAAAAAAAALLLLL DAY it was rainy and windy but still close to 60°. I did too much yesterday and splatted-after pt and folding a load of laundry and starting another in the wash and running the dishwasher. I have only left the comfort of my chair to pee, and even then I didn’t wanna.
    The worst part is the harder we “try” the worse we feel because it always comes across as failure to the sheeple. Assfuckery. Hope you’ve snuggled down with vanilla bean. I have my sherpa blankie, Toothless and smash-able pillow to “drift off”…I have no motivation

  2. I understand completely

  3. La Sabrosona Says:

    *hugs* I’m a slob too. Remember the executive functioning I was blabbering on about yesterday? My brain will gladly ‘ignore’ mess and clutter because the inertia is strong and is tangled with brain fog and forgetfulness. I get what you’re talking about. I always loved the word ‘inertia’ to describe depression. It’s very accurate. Congrats on getting stuff done 🙂

  4. You got a lot done imo. I get that inertia thing though. And people telling me that they’ve been depressed and I just have to think happy thoughts and it’ll be ok? Well, they just make me feel like a bigger loser because I can’t even do that. *sigh*

    Maybe instead of being in the sun, you could take vitamin D. I know it’s an expense, and I know that is next to impossible, but maybe you could bully R into getting it for you.

    Gigantic hugs xoxo

  5. There’s recent research that shows that the difference between bipolar depression and regular depression is exactly what you described – that feeling of inertia, where the bipolar depression is actually affecting your motor skills. It doesn’t happen if you’re not bipolar, even if you’re depressed. That’s why I get annoyed when people with unipolar depression tell me “oh I’ve been there you’ve just got to stay positive” it physically doesn’t work like that. Bipolar depression actually stops you from moving or getting anything done. And in a few years time, that might actually filter down to the doctors who treat us.

  6. yes, this! No bullying, or trying to scare self into action. On inertia days I celebrate even the tiniest achievement. woot I managed to shower!

    • Yep, and it can feel like you ran a marathon and won. Tell it to someone without the depressive itertia, they look at you like, “Seriously? Normal people shower everyday, what’s the big deal?”

  7. WOW I’m impressed. A lot of days I feel like I ran a marathon but I didn’t do shit all day. I hate the guilt trips people try on me; they don’t fit. Plus, it’s mean and it makes me want to either explode or shrivel up and curl up in a corner and sleep, except when I’m inert I can’t even sleep well.

  8. I’ve never understood how friendships work for some people. Where I’m from, if a friend is having a hard time, you may say “your fucking place is a dump,” but at the same time you’re helping tidy up, or mopping floors, or being helpful in some way. If a problem is chronic, there is solidarity. It’s not spoiling someone into depending on the help, it’s realizing some people could use a fucking extra hand because of WHATEVER REASON, and being loyal and caring enough to be that hand.

    Then I find an excess of people who don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves. They may have immaculate houses and all the fancy cleaning supplies, but they’re still douchebags who have the dirtiest souls ever. Fuck them.

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