November Rain SUCKS

The weather and the song. (Love G N R but that song was overplayed to audio ipecac level.) As for the weather…It rained all day and night yesterday, it’s pouring cats, dogs, and octopi this morning. I love warm rain. Love the sound of it. Ice cold rain? Not so much. Not to mention the blowing wind and the hassle of getting drenched and having wet feet cos shoes aren’t water proof and the general ongoing gray gloom…If my mood wasn’t shitty to begin with, this knocks it down several pegs. Throw in the return of my child acting like a demon and me being irritable and anxious..

Last week’s respite has come to an abrupt end.

Part of me entertains going full blown Munchausen’s, not for attention, but because obviously, if I am so sick I calmΒ  down enough to not spaz out over every tiny thing…I just hate the being sick part. I’m a wuss that way. I like walks on the beach, moonlight, and poking dead things with sticks. I do not like puking, spewing, and praying for death. Cos then someone would poke me with a stick.

I showered yesterday for the first time in three, four days, IDK. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, seriously, hygiene is as basic as breathing but…My give a damn is beyond broken. The house has reached biohazard six now. I can’t catch up. And because I am so overwhelmed I don’t have the energy to even try so it piles up more. I do put the ass in procrass-tination.

Last night sucked. My kid was unleashed, screaming at me for every tiny thing. Talking calmly to her made it worse. So I either yell back (yeah, yeah, not cool,whatever) or I ignore her. The fits are made to get attention, denying it seems appropriate. She even hit me twice. I was depleted and defeated by 7 p.m. One more vote for Munchausen’s, at least when I am sick I don’t find it all so offensive. Of course, she had a good patch while I was at my worst so…Sigh. I may just have to accept that I am a shit mom. Life would be easier if I could accept my parenting ability as mediocre and just go with it. Super parent ain’t gonna happen even with me at my best. Which I am not right now. Not even close. I got a brief glimpse of stability last week, of not clawing at my own skin with anxiety, of not wanting to hide in the closet under a stack of blankets.

And that makes the fall into the abyss that much worse and maddening. Don’t give me quick picks then pull the rug out from under me. Just give me a baseline, even if it’s misery. Bobbleheading isn’t working for me.

My mood and anxiety worsened last night when R called and beckoned for today. He has like two things he needs me to do but told me “first thing in the morning.” I said “nine-ish.” He said, “Soon as possible.” Fuck that shit. Seven hours in the dish is too much for me, especially when all he wants is someone to keep him company. If I wanted to be a companion I’d be a high priced call girl, ffs. And of course he points out he doesn’t ask much of me and I benefit for just sitting around (today is for a Wednesday 13 back patch to go on my leather jacket) but maybe that’s the problem. If I am gonna be in the sucky dish, keep me too busy to think about the anxiety of being in the dish. And I don’t mean so busy I panic worse, just…Two things and you want me there all day, like maybe I didn’t have plans of my own. (Grocery day.) Let me drop everything cos you’re bored and lonely. (Think about that awesome patch, Niki, think about Wednesday….)

I find when my mood is this low being around others is a powder keg. By staying away I am really doing them a favor. Forcing me through guilt and obligation when it could damn well wait til my mood shifts…you deserve my bad attitude. I am quite content sitting home with Chaos purring on my shoulder and enjoying not having my kid screaming at me. I’ve done every discipline I can think of. And I am so sick of, “Let me have her for a few days, she won’t do that to me.” So easy to be arrogant when it’s not your kid and she doesn’t do it for others, just you. I am apparently the problem, me and my boundaries, sooo strict. More likely it was letting my mom babysit her daily for over a year. My mom gives zero discipline and thinks anyone who does is mean. This is what she taught my kid. I am so fucking screwed.

Least the razor blade gargling is gone. Not that I slept well, nope, I was up seven times during the night. That was with 9mg of melatonin. I am to the point of getting out the Trazadone. If only it didn’t come with the headache hangover and lethargy for ten hours after waking. Can’t you make a sleeping pill that works without the heinous side effects, big pharma?

Ok, I am gonna watch Blindspot, bask in the sound of purring kitten right next to my ear, then I will grace his highness with my presence. If he expects sunshine spewing he is in for an unpleasant surprise. I feel pretty damned surly. Stupid cold rain. Much as sunshine blinds me and heat kills me…The cold isn’t any better. No happy fucking medium for Morgue, nope. I am starting to feel like the princess and the pea, never content with anything. And it’s not for lack of desire or effort. Hard to fight the enemy that is your brain when it’s in control of your perception and reactions. I can only fight it so much…If I were victorious, I sure as hell wouldn’t shovel the pills.

For the record, anyone who believes depressed people choose to wallow and stay depressed…That is as fucking ignorant and asinine a thought as thinking someone would willing sticking their genitals into a fucking Cuisinart.

Thank pegacorn stupidity isn’t contagious. Or genetic.

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29 Responses to “November Rain SUCKS”

  1. Do whatcha gotta do. Munchahausen’s-if it works, use it. You are not a mediocre mom. You do the best you can given the shit hand of cards you’ve been dealt.
    I totally feel ya on the cold rain. Fuckthatshit! I bet you could make fat cash as a call girl. At least then you wouldn’t have to do R-soles bidding. You could turn the tables! And you and Mrs R can drink and watch him act like a chicken pecking the ground for corn through the shards of glass. Maybe toss him a coupe $1 bills 😈
    Sass is in a sadistic mood today. And no I’m not sorry.

  2. Least the razor blade gargling is gone?

  3. shitty cold ass rain. Uck.

    So when your kid hits you, you don’t lay her ass out in the floor and make her pick her teeth up?? I would hate to see the day my kid ever pulled her little fist/palm back at me and tried to swing. You aren’t a mediocre parent – but we also can’t let these little heathens think they control us. Next time tell her to go pick a switch from outside – a nice rubbery one with some bend. Tell her you’re going to spank her with it. Even if you don’t, at least while she’s outside trying to find the switch that’s going to beat her ass, she will be thinking about the pain she thinks she’s going to face.

    • I’ve been known to be reduced to the occasional swat swat on the rear with her, but truthfully, I don’t see how showing violence is wrong with an act of physical aggression is teaching her much. Of course, I only ever got one spanking as a child and it was humiliating and scary, I never got on my dad’s bad side again til I was a teenager.
      Most of my problem is today’s “coddle the snowflakes” mentality. If you even swat them you are perceived as violent and unfit, let alone if a bipolar parent does it. Plus master manipulator she is, she just runs to my mom and I get my ass chewed out by her.
      It’s such a clusterf*ck. I am finding ignoring her fits works pretty well, IF I can outlast them. A therapist once told me leaving her in her room crying for more than fifteen minutes was tantamount to neglect and while I call the bullshit card..It’s difficult not to cave, especially when my becomes destructive to property and others.
      Still…being ignored and allowing the fit to run its course has done more good than taking her dvd player away for a month. Maybe the experts are plain wrong cos every kid is different.

      • Heartily agreed. Switching deeply unnecessary. Violence unnecessary. Met enough grown people still hurting from it. Not up for discussion with me! Just my two cents!

      • Leaving alone to cry it out probs best practical solution last two cents goodnight!

      • Short of my cats dying I don’t cry…I guess I can get my Amazon voodoo doll and stab it out…I use extra long quilting needles…Not that I have anger issues… That’s my two cents’ worth, plus a penny tip.

        On Tue, Nov 17, 2015 at 7:23 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Meant daughter left alone to cry it out fwiw. Six cents now. Must hoard.

      • SIX cents????? I am totally going to the penny candy store now…Oh, that was 1985? I can’t keep track of time.

        On Tue, Nov 17, 2015 at 8:11 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I let her cry it out up to a point. The point where she remembers how to call 911 and declare me a monster. Much harder to prove you’re not a bad parent than proving you are a fit parent.
        Kid is like that chick from “Gone Girl.”The frame job is coming….

      • I have never spanked my child beyond the use of my hand. But I started early (diaper spankings) and I think the last time I had to put my hand to her ass was when she was five, leaning the chair back on two legs at IHop and I told her to stop or she was going to fall. And she did. And I took her right to the bathroom and swatted that butt. My mom, aunt, and uncle were all hit with belts and brooms and pans and whatever my grandma could grab. I’m not into that shit. My mom would wail on me as a child (she was bipolar and schizophrenic) and I got through that. What I didn’t get through was her constant screaming at me about all the shit I’ve ever done wrong and have yet to do, but would probably do wrong eventually anyway. Ugh, the nights I prayed to have my ass beat if she would just shut the hell up and go away.

        Everyone does it differently I suppose. It just makes me sad to think of any child hitting their parent out of anger – yet if you do it, you’re the bad guy. Society can suck my proverbial dick.

  4. Big hugs!!!! πŸ™

  5. There are so many truths in this. I think other people using different boundaries etc with your kid sounds like the opposite of helpful… like… undermining your parenting. And (from your post a few weeks ago) on one hand you’ve got Mrs R telling Spook she’s allowed to do what she likes with you (undermining) and on the other hand, your mom was *really* letting her do what she likes… it’s no wonder you’ve got this constant battle, with all these unhelpful people around! Fucksake. They should all just do it your way and not undermine or comment on your parenting, since she’s your kid not theirs. How dare they blame you for a problem that they’ve probably caused and definitely exacerbated?

    • I only see it getting worse once the donor gets served the child support papers. He will suddenly feel entitled to visitation if he’s paying and wow, that is gonna make it all more clusterfucked.
      Best thing that could happen for my and my kid would be to move to a place far from my family and so called friends and start over. Sigh…about as realistic as pegacorns but I want to believe…

      • I live 2 hours away from my relatives now. They threaten to visit now’n again so I panic and try and clean up but they never actually turn up. They much prefer to give me shit for only visiting them twice a year and for never seeing them on Christmas day (I’ve got about 7 different people who do this, I used to try to rotate around them all, but now I say fuck ’em all because otherwise I’ve got to pick one and be miserable and get crap off the other 6 anyway). But my husband’s parents like to turn up without giving us any notice, and his mother has this awful habit of cleaning my house – even though I’ve clearly just cleaned it – just to make a point.

  6. I have heard that we learn our parenting skills from our own parents. Boy, did that leave me screwed. Throw in a little bi-polar disorder, PTSD and ADHD and you have a recipe for disaster. Even with all the training they provided I was still ill equipped to handle my foster son. I had no children of my own to experiment on. A ten year old boy had more power and control than I did. I sc

  7. Damn send button! Hold on.

  8. I screamed, cried, slammed doors, broke things and whined more than any two year old on the planet. I begged to be committed to the local nuthouse – permanently.
    I finally broke down and purchased the parenting program, “Total Transformation”. I had very low expectations as nothing else had worked. WOW! I was completely blown away. Within 48 hours the screaming, name calling and extreme defiance stopped. This child had been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, which DFCS failed to disclose. Don’t spend the $300 on this program unless you happen to be rich. If you are interested, I would be more than willing to share the basics with you. A few simple (ha-ha) things to implement and it works – if you stick with it. I can’t promise you it will work for you but it was the only thing that worked for us.
    I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ramble on. I just remember the utter hopelessness I felt.
    Thank you for sharing with us.

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