Self esteem is shrinking….

I find it baffling that I go in to have my head shrunk but all I walk out with is shriveled self esteem. I am sure it’s not his intention, but DAMN. Apparently I have some sort of tic with my mouth I’ve never noticed nor has anyone around me but the man who hasn’t seen me in two months immediately launches into…There’s a new drug coming to market in a couple of years that can undo tardive dyskenisia. Yay. One more thing I didn’t know I had but after four years on Seroquel, can’t say it’s a shocker. One would have thought it’d have been noticed ya know, ten years ago when I was actually on that toxin.

I was not in good shape this morning. My nose is beat red from spending all night tied to a tissue box cos the allergies are rioting and making me cough, sneeze, choke, and drain. I did the sane thing when the store opened today- I got some medication. As it happens, that causes my blood pressure to rise the nurse and doctor were a little freaked out. I can’t even get relief from this shit without it being an issue.

I told him all about the last two months. Dead cats, burned houses, daily triggers picking up my kid amongst lollapetridishapazlooza.

His ideas? Can you move to another home where she’d be eligible for the bus? Can you have someone else pick her up? Hey, they’re about to close down the charter school but in the event they don’t you can stick her in there and she can ride the bus. Except the charter school is even closer to us and only accepts 4th grade and above HELLLOOOOOO? Not that I can counter his suggestions with facts because that would be non compliance.

I asked him about Lamicatal causing memory problems. He said absolutely not. I asked if maybe after four years I need to reboot with a different mood stabilizer cos the anti depressants are mixing well anymore… He vetoed that, said as long as I am not manic, the Lamictal is fine.

I asked about valium, just to lull me into relaxation at night. He nixed that and increased the Restoril which does fuck all.

His brilliant insight was to increase the prozac from 10mg to 20mg, advise me to get my kid into counseling, and oh, move or whatever cos this daily pick up stress for the next few years is not going to enable me to get well.

Brilliant fucking sage. Yes, Let me pull the money out of my cleavage to move houses so my kid can take the fucking bus. OR what if my doctor would just write up a note asking the school to let me fetch her in a less crowded spot? Oh, that would be logical. Forget that.

I was also treated to the ever popular (gee being reminded never gets old) “You’ve improved only once in the entire time I’ve seen you, there must be something with your metabolism that keeps the medications from working properly.)

And there it is. MY fault. It was quantified with him stating he can’t recall having a patient who was this med resistant and this anxiety riddled. Enter the deflation of what little self esteem I have and those shreds of hope that were buried in there somewhere? Nope. All gone now.

Instead of feeling a bit better I just feel more defeated and like a loser.

Which technically, I guess I felt before I went in cos it was a hellish choking on drainage night, but the doctor…did not help, at all. He tried to be empathetic, I can feel that. The words were right. I’m just not convinced his sincerity behind them was real. Once again, I am reduced to feeling like a petulant child who “doesn’t want to get better”.

Maybe the increase in Prozac and Restoril helps. I don’t see it helping a whole lot. Now if life would just slow to a halt for awhile and let my get my feet under me, I might stand a chance. Unfortunately, tis not the way it works. I have to remain standing and walk a perfectly straight line amidst a 10.0 earthquake every single day. I don’t think anyone around me knows how exhausting it is. No, because whatever I have going on, they have it worse. My father is the kind who’d claim his backache trumps you having a knife embedded in your skull. So no support there…Doc suggest I ask my family to take Spook for a couple of days so I could get some me time. AFTER I explained how nasty my dad is “we have a life of our own, we can’t drop everything to take care of your kid” and how I have to spend a whole day getting my kid out of my mother’s “there are no rules, I am a queen and can treat you like shit” mind frame.

For me it’s the equivalent of being handed a Xanax coated in barb wire. “Once you get it down, you’ll be all calm.”

Except I’ll be bleeding internally and have to go get help so HOW THE FUCK DOES IT HELP ME IN THE END????

Meh. I need fiction soup for the soul for an hour or so. Then I’ll work on turning biohazard four maybe down to a two.

Or I may say fuck it because apparently, even my own doctor thinks I am fairly doomed.




8 Responses to “Self esteem is shrinking….”

  1. Lamictal does cause memory problems. Not only because of my experience but because I’ve asked other shrinks. It does happen. It’s that thing we are supposed to take in the ass because “at least we’re not manic.” Who needs their memory anyways.

    More logical than having him write a paper to allow school to have you pick her up at a less crowded space is for him to write one that would get her on that bus. But signing their valuable names off in a letter like that is too fucking risky.

    Oh come now! Certainly you have a fortune buried in your backyard so you can just find a new home! The fuck are these doctors on?! Let me slay them all for you.

  2. MEMORY LOSS, PFFFT!! NOW WHAT WAS I GETTING AT?? I. Have. Major. Memory. Issues (*esp after being on lamictal!!)

  3. This is the shit that makes me FURIOUS! Effin fucking furious. “There must be something wrong with your metabolism!” I don’t even know where to begin. The two options are: 1 — he assumes you’re an idiot so he’s snowballing: or 2, he’s an idiot. SURELY a psychiatrist is aware that during the past two years the entire class of anti-depressants has been massively dick-smacked around by double-blind peer reviewed studies in which they basically equate to placebos. Surely he knows this is why so much less money is being poured into anti-depressant R & R. Surely he knows, too, the latest front-line reports questioning the little we even thought we knew about the role serotonin plays in regulating mood. Etcetera fucking cetera. Surely he knows “treatment-resistant” people are FAR from uncommon. Look, everyone who reads me knows I am not anti-medication, indeed believes that our brains, through a complex interplay of genetic vulnerability and circumstantial assfuckery, can get locked into synaptic grooves that mimic harder or strictly biological diseases like diabetes or leukemia. Whatever. Point is, what a dickhead for suggesting you are some kind of freak of nature because you are still suffering despite his brilliant Big Pharma recommendations. O O O let me give him a fiery tongue lashing and then have some fun with Zoe’s habenero-coated barbed-wire dildos.

  4. I second it all and then some. Lamictal DOES cause memory loss/issues, as I found with all the “mood stabilizers” I’ve been on. Stopped them and holy mother of god I’m getting words and memories back! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! As far as med resistant-your doctor is an ass of asinine proportions and I’m surprised you didn’t ask HIM for the money to move-since his idea where Fucking BEILLIANT! Pffffbt. Assfuckery, indeed!
    *Im not liking the post because it’s a total dislike of epic proportions*

  5. So Sass my memory problems even with simple words could be my meds, although I never tried lamictal., but I have tried all the major newer meds. I am med resistant too although I am responding somewhat ok on Perphenazine and Cymbalta, but ever since I forgot two days worth I have been having minor mood swings still. That was at least 4 or more weeks ago. I sound like an idiot when I talk and reread what I write at least 5 times and still find errors. My drs are nowhere near as bad as you guys have it. They really seem to care.

  6. Wow. Just….wow. So, right on to everything everyone else has already said. It’s beyond apparent that you are just one of those factory line patients that he has. Every so often he pats you on the head, says don’t worry, it’s all stuff you can fix if you really want to, and shoves you out the door. Lamictal does cause memory problems which is why I am in the process of weaning off it.

    It pisses me off to no end, when I read about your experiences with your “drs”. There are a lot of people in the same boat as you and it seems that no one cares that the fucking thing is sinking.

    • R has this saying about his wife’s OCD cleaning.”The ship is sinking, you’re busy swabbing the deck, and the fish don’t fucking care!”
      Kinda how I feel. Ship’s sinking and the doctors are too busy spiffying up the deck to give a damn about me.
      You’re right, though, it’s not just me, this apathy is far too prevalent in mental healthcare, period.

      • Med resistent people have other things that can be done to their lives to make things better than just trying med after med after med. A note to pick your kid up in a less congested area could go a long way to making your days easier. These doctors need to start thinking outside the box FFS

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