Hallow-fucking-suck-o-ween

I woke in a shit mood today, enveloped by an exhaustive dark cloud that allowed no joy to seep through in spite of my obsessive love of Halloween.

It only got worse from there for not only was my brain dictating YOU MUST BE DEPRESSED , my daughter decided to channel satan, spew pea soup, and have a spinning head. Screaming at me, thrashing, punching, kicking, mouthing off…She’s not been  that bad in six weeks, at least. Today, of all days, she has to go full on  demon. And at one point, I really truly considered canceling the trick or treat thing. Her behavior sure as hell didn’t deserve that reward. But as usual, I am between a rock and a hard place, not wanting to be the spoilsport or uber strict mean parent yet also not wanting to reward her feral behavior.

I battled the depression and anxiety all day. I took enough Xanax that it made me groggy enough to fall asleep. I TRIED, damn it. But the kid wouldn’t back down, calm down, no matter what I did. In desperation I even called stepmonster to ask for advice. She suggested nothing I hadn’t already tried (and even recorded, because I am sick of being questioned about how “maybe you’re dramatizing how bad she behaves.) My head was pounding, stomach churning, nerves raw and bloody…And all it was that set her off was me saying she was not getting supper at 3 p.m. I gave her a ham and cheese sandwich, told her to eat an apple if she was still hungry…And she went ballistic.

And I sank into the abyss, having zero desire to do a damned thing but curl up n Vanilla the blankie and zone out. I tried being all harsh disciplinarian, taking stuff away from her. I tried being calm logical mommy, talking softly, logically (as if logic registers for a six year old), I put her against the wall, I sat her on the floor. And she wouldn’t stop screaming, mouthing, thrashing about…

By the time she finally came out of it and apologized, then I made her listen to the recordings of her fit and she either felt or feigned the shame of how badly she behaved…I got us both dressed up (I wore devil horns and a black velvet cape, I was the devil’s daughter) and into the cool rainy night we went. First stop, mom’s. Where I was guilted into eating one of my sister’s cupcakes she had made for Halloween. They just don’t grasp how sweet foods make me want to gag. It was all I could do to choke it down, and it had nothing to do with my sister’s cooking skill.

I was shocked by how few people had porch lights on to let it be known they were passing out candy. THEN the car started acting up, as it does every year when the temp drops and the choke sticks thus flooding it out and making it impossible to start and tricky to keep running…Spook kept tripping on her Elsa dress but insisting on going to the doors alone while I sat trying to keep the car from dying. There were cop cars everywhere with lights flashing, pulling people over left and right. All I could envision was the car flooding in the middle of the road and the cops insisting I have it towed. Then it hit me that I wasn’t entirely sure if mom had given me the new insurance card (or if she’d even paid the insurance.) Spook kept complaining about not getting good candy or that house was too strange or that one was too scary. I was ready to yank off my devil horns and stab someone. (As if filled satin horns could do any damage.) I had wanted to take her across town to the posher neighborhoods but with the car being all wonky, I didn’t have the courage. Not to mention all the flashing lights on the cop cars at every other corner where they had someone stopped.

The donor used to pummel me, and my need for privacy and low anxiety, with the statement, “if you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide, why do you panic?”

He claimed to have tested at a 187 IQ  but to think something so fucking naive makes me wonder if there wasn’t a decimal point in there somewhere. First off, with panic disorder, you could be chased by adorable teddy bears and feel threatened and doomed. Second, cops in this town are corrupt and petty so I think there is good reason to be wary of them whether you’ve done wrong or not. Panic gives zero fucks about logic. Privacy isn’t disposable and those who think it is prove stupidity is global.

When we got home, my kid promptly started in again with her fits. I sent her to her room where she mercifully fell asleep. Fixed myself some toasted ravioli for supper, took another Xanax. I am sitting on the bed just trying to hold it all together because truth be told…

I WANT TO BE ALLOWED TO CRACK UP.

Life won’t stop coming at me. Everyone thinks I am being melodramatic or plain out lying about all the shitty things that happen in my life. My kid only loves me when I don’t give her boundaries. I can’t even talk to people on the phone even though I would LOVE to do so, for empathy, commiseration, just to feel HUMAN…I am never going to get the buffer I need on the outside that allows my skin to thicken and allow my to be…some semblance of normal.

I want nothing more now than to sleep. Shut it all down, shut it all out. This has been the most miserable Halloween to date for me (though Spook seemed to have fun, I’m the one that got punished for her behavior with worsened depression and higher anxiety.)

Sleep. Yes, I need that. And since I forced myself into a shower today, I think I will let that be my goal that I met, as well as taking the kid out for candy robbery, for today. Sleep is my reward.

I wish I had the energy left to watch a scary movie. What is Halloween without a classic scary movie? But I am so beaten and bloodied and bruised right now…I just want to0 curl up with vanilla blanket and some idle background noise and forget this day ever happened.

My psychological wounds are festering, and I am exsanguinating into my soul. Enough.  Brain reboot. Tomorrow has GOT to be better.

Sometimes I swear if I could find one…I’d buy a “electroconvulsive shock therapy DIY” kit.

Much like my car…I want the brain to operate properly too and stop giving me these fucking fits.

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8 Responses to “Hallow-fucking-suck-o-ween”

  1. Yuck Yuck and suck. I’m sorry it was a wretched night. But you did a helluva lot more than take a shower. You also adapted and reponded again and again to your kid’s roller coaster emotions. Every time you try something new, it’s a win — even if it doesn’t last or it misses the mark. It’s the witnessing and trying that matters, and so does taking time out to gather yourself. Anxiety is a monster. You fought it today and you won.

    Also, Thank you for writing this. My kiddo was a surly button-pusher all afternoon and evening, and everything I did seemed to grate at him. Its strangely comforting to know that others are experiencing something similar. Maybe halloween is just going to be like this sometimes. It may be a tougher day for them (and by default, for us) than we realize.

    • Thanks for the comment. Empathy is priceless and as a single mom…It’s nice to know other people’s kids act out as well. Especially when friends, family, even the child psychologist, all blame me for my kid’s behavior. I understand she is six, I empathize with her not having a present father, but I do not buy for one moment that it is my responsibility entirely when she acts up. Kids are miniature adults with their own minds and short of beating them into fear and submission…They’re gonna have bad days and good days same as us.
      Mine will likely be an angel tomorrow and not even remember behaving so badly.
      Kinda like me on my worst anxiety/depressive/manic/mixed days.
      I was more pissed off at my depression than my kid because Halloween really is MY day.
      I guess her giving me some mini Heath bars will just have to suffice as a “positive” side of the day.

  2. Yeah me too, really sorry this Halloween was such an utter suck fest. A true Halloween: flayed nerves and fear and anxiety and the horror of those cops. Very much hope you can sleep in toasty Vanilla. And I have to say, your sense of humor,
    even in the abysms of hell, is a thing of pure wonder. I had a good day but you still gave me the best laugh with that “there must be a decimal point missing.” I am still fucking chuckling.

    • Vanilla and I are in love, ya know. He accepts me for me and doesn’t scream when I grab him roughly to bundle up when I am chilled. Also, no shrinkage issues with him cos my room is so cold 😉

      As for the humor…I give that aspect of my personality total credit for me still being alive. Long as I can find something to mock/snark about…It reminds me I’m not dead yet. Thank you kindly for noticing, and appreciating, that facet of my damaged psyche 😀

  3. I know the feelin– you’ll be iight

  4. I am sorry that Halloween didn’t come up to the happy expectations. My single daughter has a son that is eight and does the same thing. I think she needs to take him in for evaluation, but she doesn’t want to think anything is wrong. Mental illness is in our family and it is genetic. He should be evaluated before he hurts me. Right now he just does this to her. Even out in public which I am sorry is embarrassing as hell when he starts screaming and biting her and kicking her and hitting her, etc. I think he bites too.

  5. La Sabrosona Says:

    Always seems to happen on holidays – the build up and then the let down. You’re definitely not alone on that one. My kids zap my energy like you wouldn’t believe. You’re doing your best and you’re a kickass mom. I still haven’t really found a discipline technique that works in all situations. I take away their priveleges, and the most important thing to them is the ps4 or their tablets.
    It’s almost 4 am and I’m so sleepy. Won’t take the risk to write something totally incoherent and I wanted to give you virtual flowers and these are so cool and in keeping with the Halloween theme.

    Take good care 🙂

  6. Ugh I’m sorry that the holiday you look forward to was a fucking mess.

    Those days when you just want to throw in the towel of sanity are hard ones to resist. The lure of being in charge of nothing (even though that not what you REALLY want) and being able to just hibernate until you feel better is strong.
    I hope today is better for you.

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