How do I hate thee, scumbag brain, let me count the ways

Why am I awake at 1 a.m.? Oh, right. I woke up cold, pondered getting up to put on a sweater, said fuck it, then my kid clodhopped in pleading nightmares, can I sleep with you. Oh, and one of the horkmasters saw that I just washed my bedspread so they horked up a furball and now I am down to one blanket and no heat coming into my bedroom so I have ice on my pancreas. Guess I got so frustrated, I just got up. When pissed off, blog it out. Of course, now my kid has invaded my crypt and is griping that I am sitting up typing instead of, well, whatever it is she expects of me. Blrrrgg.

Sunday started out okay. Not happy calm cured okay. I just leapt into action on much of the housework I’ve been putting off, cleaned counters, did dishes, swept the floor. (Still can’t vacuum without one that works so sabertooth dust kitties continue to multiply from all the fur on the carpet.) I guess my idea of “leaping into action” would be viewed by some as lazy but start and stop is just how I roll. It’s the only way I can do anything, my brain is so scattered. People say I need to get myself organized. Oh, how many times I have tried when I had brief respites of mental clarity. It never lasts and I get so overwhelmed…So sorry, my dish towels will not be folded according to color, my spices will not be alphabetized, and sans storage containers, clothing tends to get stuck in trash bags in closets so I can never find my winter stuff for cold, never find my summer stuff for warm months. Organization. Hysterical.

Finally braved Aldi. Which with a crowd (even at 1o a.m. on Sunday) and Ms. “Mommy mommy can I have this? that? ten of these> Oh, look, Frozen suppositories, I want, I want!” (slight exaggeration but not by much.) Needless to say they had three lanes open and we still had to stand in line ten minutes, all the while the walls feel like they’re closing in on me, my heart is pounding, and fight or flight has decided to go feral. I toughed it out, but man…That one half hour outing really tapped me out. So on top of that, I also end up feeling shitty for being too weak to handle a simple thing like grocery shopping without a meltdown. Bloody hell.

After that I kinda slowed down.Though my sister gave me a cordless phone set her boss let her have so I tried to swap Magicjack to the computer in the living room. Four hours, nothing. BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING VISTA WHICH IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH FUCK ALL. Disgusted doesn’t begin to cover it. I could have just returned it all to the slave computer but that thing is starting to sound like an old man wheezing so I’m not sure how much life it has left in in. (99 dollars back in 2010, got my money’s worth.) GRR, can one thing never just work out right? Is that really asking too much? I wanna strip that damn thing of Vista and use the copy of Win XP but I don’t have the registration number as the computer was stolen and all. (fuck you, microsoft.) Guess if I’d had that organizational thing going on, I’d have written serial number and all that down.

I’ve been around R too long, he cringes when I mention organization. Then tells me to organize things. I tried the other day and he went into meltdown cos he had two gift cards in the mess on the desk…I threw nothing away. I can’t in that place because who knows what important info he’s written where. Jeebs. It’s like trying to use sign language when he’s tied both my hands behind my back.

I hit my wall around six tonight, after fixing myself these delicious ritz cracker breaded pork chops. They were so yum…And Spook was in like hour ten of screaming and criticizing and so my nerves were fried. I took a double dose of Xanax since I’d taken none before that. Normally, it doesn’t make me groggy. Last night it did, and I was ready for bed at 7 p.m. Which entailed getting her to sleep first. At one point I was sitting here thinking of Abby and Arsenic and how much I miss them. I started to tear up, feel desolate and lonely.

BAM. Shark week is coming next week so of course, I am going to become whiny teary pain laden wussy girl. Fuck. I am so detached from everything I know when tears and loneliness pop up, it’s horrormones. I miss my kitties, but the tearfulness combined with random oompa loompa ovary crushes…Yep. Winner winner chicken dinner, I’m in for a week of pain and feeling even more batshit. Mother Nature is a bitch.

Once that sadness hit…I took my sleep meds. Then came the almost out…JOLT awake in terror thing. Three times. Heart pounding, swinging legs over the bed, bent over panting and scared for no reason.I never reached sleep so I didn’t have a bad dream. WTF? Is this caused by the Restoril? Which after months of resisting, I’ve started using nightly and that irks me. I don’t want to rely on those things just to sleep. Been there, done that, and it took forever to get my body back to where it could sleep without a pill. Just..when that black depressive wave hits like a tsunami…sleep is the only real answer, reboot the scumbag brain.

1:30 a.m. now. I am listening to the Empire soundtrack. (Not the rap shit.) I find it soothing. Oddly, my kid likes it too, asked me to burn her a copy. Passing on my diverse music tastes seems like a good thing. Was hoping between blogging, getting warmed up, and listening to this soothing music I would be lulled back to the sleepy place. The alarm is gonna go off way too early. Not because I require lots of sleep, I do better on less. But because it’s still dark at 7 a.m. and my brain rejects that as time to get up. As evidenced by setting four alarm clocks. Seriously when the creepy American Horror Story theme blares and you hit snooze rather than jumping up in terror…Yep, seasonal affect somnolence is here. Can’t stay asleep at night, can’t get up in the morning. The shrink and I will have a lot to discuss when I see him November2nd? Third? Fuck if I know. It’s programmed in my phone, I think.

I am hoping R lets me be tomorrow instead of expecting me to drop everything. I need a break after rapid uzi fire kid chatter all weekend in which I could do nothing right. I don’t need more time with another child. I want to get the laundry all caught up, watch a few shows, chill.

Speaking of shows…Hulu was super ass trash today with its buffering. Then my ISP went wonky losing signal. When it was working, I tried to watch THREE different movies. I made it maybe an hour in to Terminator: Genysys and Sex Tape…My attention span can’t do movies anymore. Not that much decent has been made since the 90’s. Thank the sacred pegacorn for tv shows, least my mind can focus on those, mostly.

Now that I am awake, I want to use the energy to do something. Except I don’t feel safe at night outside my crypt bedroom. Yes, I know, that is truly batshit. Whatever. If Kraft mac and cheese is the cheesiest, then I am the batshittiest.

Bats in my belfry. It’s how I roll.


3 Responses to “How do I hate thee, scumbag brain, let me count the ways”

  1. Hope you can get some rest and reboot. ❤

  2. I have the same problem with bolting awake for no apparent reason. It’s as if I’m having the dream about falling except I’ve only been asleep for 10 minutes, so not enough time to work up a dream. I have a few of those a night, and I take ambien (used to take restoril…did nothing for me). I’m getting a really bad issue with pharma. The side effects are becoming worse than the illness they are supposed to treat.

  3. I can’t seem to sleep through the night either. I’ve been waking up at 330 for about a month or so. No reason, just roll over and look at my phone like I’m expecting a missed call or message. WTF brain?! I liked Ambien-minus the amnesia part, and restoril was good-minus the hangover headache for a week. Lunesta was the best-zero side effects and glorious sleep.
    I can organize your entire place with zero organizational receptacles 😉 and wtf are we gonna do about your heat?!
    I feel ya on the grocery outing. I feel caged in and smothered in Meijer-and it’s huge like Walmart, only no people of Walmart in there.
    Fuck I need a nap.

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