Blowing Up The Bleeping Box Therapy

Often with long bouts of depression when med after med fails to excavate you from the living grave…You hit your wall and you NEED out of that grave. But with a multiple diagnosis, as with me, what your mind needs and wants may be contrary to your anxiety level. Fighting it is one of the worst things on Earth, ten times harder than..well, anything I’ve ever done. After awhile the feeling of having your hands tied behind your back leads to you this place of complacency where you wave the white flag and accept the abyss.

I’m sick of complacency. I’m also sick of the cognitive “I tried harder, hear my cured ass roar” bullshit. Mental illness is a balancing act. It is not all or nothing, it is not about punishing yourself for some societal perceived weakness. And no matter what the sunshine spewers say…Sheer desire to break out of your living grave is not enough to make it so. Only you know when you’re strong enough to start chiseling away at your sarcophagus with whatever it is that makes you feel alive. If someone forces you into that space before you are ready…Failure is likely.

For me…the culmination of nearly eleven months in a depressive haze with only a slight respite for a total of about seven weeks…I WANNA BLOW UP THE FUCKING BOX.I want out of this prison, this darkness, this coffin. Depression and anxiety have made me their bitch to a level of 50 Shades of Grey “red room of pain” submissiveness. There’s not a submissive bone in my body so it’s super insulting for the mental stuff to get this far out of hand. The doctor said lots of sunlight, getting out, being social, letting light into my home rather than blacking it out with dark curtains…Breathing exercises. None of which has done a fucking thing to help.

If anything turning my living room into a pastel half assed solarium has my anxiety spiking off the charts. Which is why I crave the calm dimness of my bedroom crypt. I process depression way better than I do anxiety. I have had a stomach ache from nerves everyday this week, and it’s all related to the triggers of picking up my kid in the dish and trying to absorb all the strobe like stimuli of, well, the world. Maybe it’s kept me out of “that bottle of tRazadone could probably make things a lot better” space but…Trading depression for anxiety isn’t my idea of improvement.

So how am I blowing up the box?

Oddly…I am going against my own grain. I prefer heavy metal/rock music though I’ve always been open to anything that touches my soul…And while having no desire to hop on the “omg, Empire is such an amazing show, everyone and their dog’s cousin’s proctologist must watch and worship!”  As it happens…I like the show. It’s entertaining.

What I really really like are the songs done by this guy Jussie Smollett (Jamal). It’s  a mix of Marvin Gaye and Timbaland with some Usher thrown in. Not my normal thing. It is at this time speaking to me. I created a playlist of songs by him only (I can’t do gangsta rap, sorry, just can’t) and I have been running it in repeat two days now. I like it. It’s talent. It’s songwriting. It’s soothing yet not the least bit boring.

And by removing myself from my I AM A METALHEAD DEATH TO ALL MUSIC THAT IS NOT BALLS TO THE WALLS METAL! mindset…I think I may be chiseling my way out of my sarcophagus. Much like using a nail file to get through prison bars, though, it’s gonna be awhile. A long while.

But blowing up the box, the one I put myself in, the one the depression and anxiety locked me inside..It feels good. Proactive. Do I still have such anxiety I feel like bugs are crawling in my veins? Yep. Do I suddenly feel so not depressed I am looking forward to the hellidays with my fucked up family? Hell to no!

I am feeling alive again for the first time in….ever.

So blow up a box of your own. Do something that makes you a little uneasy. It doesn’t need to be a big thing. It won’t cure anything. It could however…give you a few hours of feeling like maybe this life thing is worth something after all in spite of mental illness.

And some days, that’s all we need to make it through.

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22 Responses to “Blowing Up The Bleeping Box Therapy”

  1. I’m so glad that you found something to at least chip away at that anxiety. Way to go! I no longer have the patience for music, which sucks. Coloring and mindless simplistic video games (think candy crush) are what does it for me.

    • Word Poker on Neopets has been my go to for enjoyable but mind numbing peace for about 14 years now…I love to spell, it’s some freaky fetish with me.That’s what winning the 3rd grade spelling bee gets you, a lifetime addiction to spelling games.

  2. When is hear my cured ass roar hitting the airwaves? That’s a surefire hit right thurr. It’s good to see you feeling alive, fistbump for that and all power to your mighty chisel, may it always be sharp and never turned the wrong way round.

  3. I went and made cute neighbor guy dinner last night-and did his dishes, I can’t be still. Then we watched a weirdo creepy movie called “May”. And we talked-like real friends do. Wtf?! No sex-I slept in his bed, he slept on the couch. I got tipsy on moonshine and I provided much entertainment for him. I was proactive yesterday at keeping the depression at bay. One day! Woo!

  4. I myself have hit the pavement, SPLAT! The life, energy, motivation are being forcefully sucked from my soul ~ I’m tired, exhausted. This piece of shit has hit the fan. That. Is. All,,,

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