Bipolar,Depression, And Friendships

I have reached that point again, the place where I can’t honestly discern if my desire to pull away from people, aka friends, is a byproduct of the depression or if I have truly been pushed too far and taken for granted beyond the point of no return. I do not live to invalidate myself, yet with bipolar, it is a feasible concern. Depression demands that I pull away, secret myself in my bedroom crypt, trying to find some measure of calm that will enable me to have the strength to survive another six months down the rabbit hole. It’s made even tougher this year as out of ten months, I spent maybe five weeks in a place somewhat “stable” so I didn’t really get to recharge. I feel raw and exhausted, like going into battle on no sleep, no nourishment,and with a broken unhealed body.

Logic would dictate this is exactly when one needs friends the most.

But considering how unsupportive my so called friends are…It’s not a comfort. It’s actually runs the risk of making things worse because of their “snap out of it” apathy.

My tempestuous nature screams for me to take a chainsaw to those ties. Cut them  now and make sure there’s no string left that could even be jury rigged into a tether.

Having been at this bipolar shit for so long, I’ve also grown cautious to my own self destructive mood related whims.

Which has me asking…What am I really feeling here?

Truth be told, I’ve not heard a word from R since last Wednesday (he didn’t even reply to the text I sent him) so I’ve had a five day break. I should relish it, should be revived by it. Instead it boils under my skin like corrosive acid, for this is the cycle our “friendship” runs. He uses me relentlessly when he has no one better to use, then abruptly will go a week or so without so much as a text, or reply to one I’ve sent. And every time it’s, “I was busy” or some other lame bullshit excuse. Meanwhile, I am treated like I am being paid to be on standby and break my neck jumping to attention when the others are too busy to do his bidding.

I might venture to say this is some sort of bipolar distortion, were it not for the fact that others in proximity have noticed that is exactly how he does me and it’s pretty fucking shitty. Not my idea of a good friendship.

It is, however, nothing new. And while I appreciate the break, I do not like feeling shunned, especially what with him bringing in Goth Girl when I’ve busted my ass for four years doing work related shit under the guise of “paying back” a friend for car repairs and shit. I think it’s pretty low of him to do me this way. Again. Despite his reassurances that his daughter is paying for the Goth Girl’s time there and it’s no threat to our arrangement…He’s spineless and lies rather than cause problems by telling the truth so I have a hard time trusting a word he says.

That should spell out everything I need to make a decision, right?

Were it so easy.

No, having been given up on and discarded my whole life for my quirks…I am loathe to be one of those types. I’m not a weakling, I can handle getting my feelings hurt, and there will be a tirade or two coming his way…I just can’t abide treating someone in a shabby way that I myself have been treated. None of us are perfect.

I can’t shake the resentment I am made to feel by being accused of being too demanding and needy simply because I want a modicum of respect and consideration from this man. Besides, which…Until I win the lottery, I NEED my mechanic, especially since my kid can’t take the bus to school.

It seems a shallow concern for all my complaining and yet, it’s valid. Also valid is my growing disgust with all that I must put up with in the name of survival. Things that make my self esteem lower, my depression deeper, my anxiety higher. Survival is a war game for me and I’ve collected so much shrapnel at this point to my psyche…I’d wave that white flag in a heartbeat if I weren’t so damned stubborn.

I read my horrorscope today which confirmed I do need a change in my life, but I need to think it over before doing anything rash. Not that I believe in that shit, it’s cheesy entertainment from my mom’s scandal rags when I was a kid…Still…It gives me pause. Am I being unreasonable? Is the depression making a mountain out of a molehill?

Or is it just that once again, he has taken me for granted after a decent run of ya know, not doing so. Maybe it’s time for a reminder, a reboot. I can try to talk to him, though it is pointless. So maybe who I need to talk to in order to gain some perspective is Mrs. R. She won’t choose sides, but she is all too aware of how shitty he can be to me and if nothing else…she could help me sort whether I am being logical or illogical.

Friendships are just too hard for me. They always have been.And while this is viewed as some character flaw, I simply don’t agree. I am so content on my own, seeking company when it suits me, staying to myself when it doesn’t. I keep trying to assimilate “for my own good”, like with the bright sunlight therapy in my living room which makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. I am not assimilating to invalidate myself. I hate sunlight, period. I don’t like to socialize, period.

What I am attempting to do, rather than change who I am for others, is to ensure that I am using all positive methods at my disposal that could possibly help make my life easier and the depressions less crippling.

I am at this point calling it an epic fail. Of course, that could be the depression tainting everything. Even my earlier excitement for Halloween has hit the wall, for it all seems pointless and dark and nothing matters.

But obviously something matters or this deal with R wouldn’t have me bent. And it always makes me bent. Which means it has to just be me, right?

No. I am difficult but I am never so thoughtless as he is. He’s rude. He may just be busy but it doesn’t entitle him to be a tyrant over me. Of course, my depression doesn’t entitle me to take all my dark feelings of despair out on others.

Clusterfucked.

I think fiction soup for the soul is in order. If I am watching someone else’s drama, I am getting a break from my own.

Stupid llamas and their dramas.

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One Response to “Bipolar,Depression, And Friendships”

  1. I haven’t read my horoscope in year (almost typed horrorscope) but I did today because of this post and apparently I should work on shit with people, look back and not miss something that is moving for my benefit behind the scenes. Hahaha. Here’s to hoping it’s my disability.

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