Bipolar’s Worst Side Effect: Loss of faith in yourself

I will be the first to acknowledge that bipolar distorts everything. It is no one’s fault, it just is.

The down side is erosion of self confidence because you DO lose faith in yourself when your every thought runs the risk of either being valid or being a byproduct of some bipolar/depressive facet. There is no way to know, really, and those around me, cash in on this to mask their own deficiencies. A therapist might call me paranoid, but I see it time and again. I try to express myself in an honest non emotional manner but if the person I am talking to views it as an attack…I am placed right back into the spot of being “the crazy one” who apparently has zero legit emotions. I am the one with an iron clad mental case file, it could not possibly be anything other than me and my illnesses.

Fully medicated with mood stabilizer, I’d say they might be 40% right.  Not on a mood stabilizer, that could rise to 70%. Which still leaves a certain percentage of time where my feelings are real yet dismissed just the same. It’s maddening, demoralizing, and it DOES make me wanna stab some people in the eye with a spork. “Why do you have low self esteem, Niki?” Hmm…Get Robert Stack’s ghost, it is indeed an unsolved mystery.

This last week has given me lots of opportunities and incentive to ponder my own distortions. I freely admit, in public posts, my mind can change in the course of an hour. While for some this may be simple mercurial personality, for me it is not. I want continuity. Either all depressed or all up, if I can’t have the happy medium of stable. None of this mixed shit where I never know if I am coming or going, if I want company or am trying to assimilate to the notion of “normal”. I am tired of the guessing games with my own brain. It needs to be killed with fire.

It’s a fine line to walk, bipolar. Like a tightrope act with no net and you have shit balance. Few of us are actually violent or psychotic. Few of us aim to manipulate or being controlling or nasty. We want our bipolar considered, just not to the extent where those around us feel the need to invest in a cart and mask ala Hannibal Lecter. Tightrope act from hell.

Right or wrong,I think I have unintentionally divided my life into segments. There’s the 13 years pre proper diagnosis in which I was given meds that made me manic for longer periods thus seeming I was well…Then The Nardil Incident which involved brain damage…Then there is after the Nardil, with mood stabilizers.

I look back on everything from birth til 2000, see how volatile and illogical I was, and  feel ashamed. I put some people through hell they didn’t deserve and it truly wasn’t my fault any more than one can be blamed for a car crash due to undiagnosed diabetes. I still feel shitty about it. I also have an amount of resentment for how popular I was during the long manic periods of hypersexuality, lack of inhibition, and sheer elation without reason. All those vapid people who adored me while manic yet bailed when the depression made me a non functional husk. If that’s loyalty and friendship, I shall remain alone and misanthropic.

Think the big point there is, I feel bad for what I did but couldn’t control and those people still feel justified in discarding me.

After the Nardil Incident, I tried my best and still flew apart into a husk. I think had it not been for the brain damage, my disability would never have been granted. Maybe it was my doctor’s way of making up for the fact that the damage occurred because I didn’t receive proper treatment from the local hospital until four days after the fact I went…catatonic and drooling. I just know, I used to land on my feet for awhile, but after that Nardil thing…Nothing’s ever been the same. I lost 20 IQ points, developed more confusion and mental deficiency…

Then came the post mood stabilizer period. Being diagnosed bipolar made everything seem much clearer. I understood all my behavior others called personality, yet I never believed it was. Mood stabilizers changed my life. Yes, it sucked that the highs were hindered. It ruled that I was no longer flying off the handle over every tiny thing, crying for days on end, hiding in a closet…It was a double edged sword.

And that is how my recall of my life is segmented. Before diagnosis, after brain damage and after proper diagnosis.

Which leaves so much room to feel shitty and guilt trip and be grateful anyone speaks to me still. It also leaves much room to feel resentful and downright furious for those who discarded me for something I didn’t choose and don’t control.

They, in addition to the mental stuff, make me doubt myself at every turn. I no longer feel certain when I am angry or my feelings are hurt, not because I truly doubt my feelings…But it’s so easy for someone “stable” to throw out my bipolar so I am never sure what’s legit and what isn’t.

The loss of faith in myself is damaging beyond words and people don’t even give a damn but question your “low confidence” and accuse you of self pity.

Imagine studying for a test, only to be given the wrong study materials and failing. Would you not feel screwed over? Like you could only operate on the information given and it’s not your fault it was wrong?

Welcome to bipolar.

Being ill is no fun. Not being able to believe in yourself and having those around you amplify that…is living hell.

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9 Responses to “Bipolar’s Worst Side Effect: Loss of faith in yourself”

  1. I was just talking about this with someone…how frustrating it is not to be able to TRUST your own feelings, reactions, thoughts, about things. I find I need to make sure I give something as much time as I can…feel it in as many ways as I can before making a decisions about something. It makes me feel so Bipolar. sigh

  2. Best. Post. EVER! Nail on head, cliché cliché. I love you!! We are all in this shitty pontoon boat with no motor drifting on the lake-I HATE lakes. That’s what I feel a lot-adrift.

  3. Morgue for president.

  4. Can I ‘second’ that!?!

  5. I pretty much doubt everything I think, say & do. SUX Camel balls. YOU. ARE. SPOT. ON!!

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