I think I am allergic to the dish

Suffice it to say, after yesterday’s functional fest…Today was less than productive. R beckoning me pretty much brought my mood crashing down, simply because expectations and obligations set off my mega anxiety. Of course, your mood will falter when your stress levels are off the charts. It only got worse from there, because genius that I am, I took my meds without food. Spent six hours nauseated, in spite of eating after the fact. It’s gotta be the Cymbalta or something, I’ve not had such nausea since Lithium. One would think it’d be an easy fix- EAT. I’ve never been a breakfast person. I can’t be bothered to cook when I am half awake. Nothing sounds good (apparently another side effect cos all food makes me gag and is as appealing as a plate of snakes.) I could take meds after lunch, but then I can’t get my motivation on til I get my morning hypomanic burst.

GRRRR. Can’t it ever be simple? Because trust me, there is no win when the obvious fix is to eat, yet eating makes you gag as much as the nausea does. Oh, the benefits of psych meds…

I didn’t go to the shop til nearly one. After a morning pretty much light on the allergy attacks…Once I got into public, around others, suddenly I started coughing every five seconds, drainage choked me, and it made me very irritable. Then the disdainful looks from R, like I am contagious (I am not) or simply choking and coughing to irk him…Blurrrg.

I was fine til I went into the dish.  I think I am allergic to the dish and to people. All of yesterday’s calm was out the fucking window once in the dish of petri. At home, I’m feeling less rattled, more serene. I NEED the calm that the winter depression needs. But I can’t get that if every day I am forced into the dish which oddly seems to make me physically ill. It made my nausea worse, by the time I fetched Spook and got home,I was sweating and sleepy and grumpy…

Chill time and some pizza helped immensely but since coming home, my allergies haven’t really acted up. Hmm…Speaks for itself. I am allergic to nature, the general public, traffic, people, and all other forms of life that stress me out. I am not weak. But if staying in my cocoon helps my mental health, how is that any different than avoiding a spicy food that puts you in stomach agony? How about berating a lactose intolerant person for avoiding dairy cos it’s not facing what makes them uncomfortable thus it’s not healthy.

Watched the premiere of The Flash. Twas decent enough, but my mind was disturbed. By…Yeah, nearly 11 pm call from R, wanting me to come in for the whole day tomorrow. He has like two net searches he needs me to do and he has the other girl that’s getting paid coming in (and wants me to find something for her to do for her to earn the money he’s gonna give her) so I fail to see what the point is. Oh, right, “I enjoy your company.” Frankly, R-sole would enjoy the company of rabid squirrels if it meant not being by himself. Just irksome being expected to drop everything when I could just look the parts up at home, I have all his card info to order them. I don’t get it. Yeah, okay, he’s put a pack of smokes out there as a lure but still…

I guess it’s just my personality but it’s always been this way for me. Anything hanging overhead- job, outing, date, social event, errands, appointments- I can’t breathe. It’s like a pillow being pressed over my face. Can’t think, can’t focus, can’t breathe, until it’s over. I need to not feel smothered by a society that makes all these demands, points out how inept I am, yet still expects me to meet their level of functioning. I can’t do it. I try and every time the recovery period takes longer and I make less progress. Because sane people don’t purposely set themselves up to do things that make me them stressed out and physically ill.

So another day where he’s managed to fuck up my plans cos I had shit I wanted to do tomorrow. If I didn’t need the smokes so bad, I’d say fuck off. He has my replacement. (Who he thinks is too clumsy to even clean out the glass display case.) I guess hours of nausea, sweatiness, and anxiety make me grumpy.

I’m never gonna get to sleep. Tick tock goes the clock. It’s all digital but I still hear an old school clock ticking in my head, reminding me I can’t let my guard down and do my own thing and enjoy it because I must reserve that energy to deal with the dish dwellers that drain me. I just want a balance between the good stuff and the sucky stuff. Life is unfair and hard, I get that. But all or nothing is a shitty way to go through life, sacrificing your every need to spare the mental resources for dealing with the very world others breeze through thoughtlessly. Some even find that it adds quality to their lives.

What the fuck must that be like?????

By the time I get the time I need to tend to my own projects I am gonna be so drained I won’t get a damned thing done. Because I am giving everything I’ve got just to do a few days in the dish, feigning competence and functionality, not because I want to…But because it is expected of me and it’s as bad as when you say, Nope, can’t do it today, and get lectured like a lazy recalcitrant child. Cos mental illness isn’t valid.

McMuggles need to be stabbed with Syphilis marinated sporks. Metal ones. Sharpened to razor points.

 

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9 Responses to “I think I am allergic to the dish”

  1. I have the same problem when I have something I need to do at a specific time. I don’t want to start anything, because I don’t want to not have time to finish it. By the time I done doing whatever it is, I’m exhausted from having been out and doing this thing I’ve been dreading all day.

    For instance, today I need to pick my MIL up at the airport and I also need to stop at the grocery store. I’m going nuts trying to figure out how to make this work with one trip. I know that by the time I get home from all of it, I will crash.

    Grrr

  2. Your job finding jobs for the woman with the paid job is just… well there are no words. And is petri short for petrified?

  3. YES, if we must undergo daily “Exposure therapy”, then absolutely!! Syphilis tainted sporks, force feed those lactose intolerant bitches chocolate milk & ice cream sundaes, habenero & ghost pepper laced enchiladas to the ones with sensitive bellies/intestines!!! To THEM I say ~ ” Don’t Petri(fied) dish it out if you can’t take it!”

  4. I love the creativity of the derivation “R-sole” I wonder what you’d do with “Deon Mumple” if you hated him. Or if you loved him… 🙂 Anyway, I hope you can find your peaceful, happy healthy place and enjoy sticking a spork into something. Even if in your daydreams it’s someone. I really don’t understand why a boss can’t be a boss and figure out what work needs to be done though…

  5. You need a t shirt that says: Thanks R-sole for fucking up my day again. A t shirt you only wear when you have to see him. And of course with a big happy Buddha emoji face at the end so he doesn’t get upset and knows you’re “kidding”

  6. Okay, reality check. Morgue, there’s nothing unusual about experiencing less allergic reactions in your own home than outside. Um, where do you think all the pollens and moulds and stuff that makes you have allergies are? They’re outside. My allergies are always worse when I step outside my home. I can close my windows and filter the air inside, but not outside.

    Of course, it’s not helpful to get hit with allergies AND the anxiety muggles send your way. Just feels all the worse when you’re nose is plugged and you can’t breathe.

    Hope whatever is setting you off stops spreading those toxic spores soon.

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