Scumbag Brain is well, a scumbag

Scumbag brain and allergies decided I needed to be awake at 4 a.m. today to tend to my coughing and drainage. NOT AMUSED. I did manage to get back to sleep (half a Xanax was necessary by five thirty) but still…Not funny.

In an effort to “break” the stagnant pattern the depression has caused me to fall into, I stayed in my bedroom this morning but I turned on music. Definitely wakes me up. And watching Spook rock out to Manson’s “Beautiful People” is funny. But upon return from dropping her off, I’ve gone back to the calm of a show I’ve watched a dozen times. But it is pretty much my favorite episode of Deadly Women, featuring Bathory and LaLaurie. Proof that violence was around long before heavy metal or gore flicks. And woman are not the weaker sex, at all, we can be just as violent as men. Take note of that XY holders.

Morning meds have the brain swirling with hypomania, minus the productivity thing. I just can’t work myself up to it. My kid was doing the rapid fire Uzi thing all weekend and I need quiet and calm. I was gonna send that ADHD paperwork in her backpack but then decided it can wait til I have my conference with the teacher. I want to talk to that woman. It’s been seven weeks or so and my kid is getting worse marks than she has ever had, I wanna know why and how to fix it. Mostly I think it’s all the distraction, she just can’t focus, she is overstimulated. What do I know, though, maybe she just has “I’ve got a shitty mom” disorder.

Now before anyone comments about “You’re a good mom, don’t be so hard on yourself…” Yeah, I get that. But sometimes I feel utterly inadequate and I think a lot of parents do. Kids can make you doubt yourself because it’s driven into your head that they have to be socially programmed and a million other kids got with the program…But for a virulent strain of child, the rules are very different and I am just walking into walls here trying to find a way to reach her. If the studies are right and most personality traits are set in stone by age six, oh dear. She  has one of those personalities that grate on my nerves and it has nothing to do with me being a jerk. I just can’t handle overly happy people who never shut up. Just factoid. I’d be as annoyed with an adult of the same ilk. It just gets frustrating to have everyone around judging my parenting, like my kid’s behavior is a reflection of my ineptitude. Guess what? Kids are just small humans and like adults they have minds of their own. I can’t be held responsible for every quirk she has. That being said…I am sucky at consistency and discipline. I try but…virulent strain of child. She’s as stubborn as I am.

R invited me over for a few last night, he had a blowout with the wife and wanted to talk. But then we go and he keeps getting phone calls and his mood keeps darkening and after a half hour, I fled. Because the hormonal tears were about to burst and he turns vile when I cry, like tears are contagious or something. So we left. Don’t tell me to come by cos you wanna talk then spend all your time on the phone and get snipey with me. Yet I do it and it’s because I’m crazy but with him, it’s because his life is stressful. Hmm…Get off the playground til you learn to play fair, man child.

My menstrual inertia has resulted in laundry Mt Vesuvius overflowing on the couch. It’s all clean. Just needs folded. Meh.

In other news, because the house reeked so bad due to me not being able to afford enough litter to clean them well…I sprung an extra four bucks for this Clump and Seal stuff. And bam, true to their advertisement, unless you’re in the room with the boxes sniffing deeply…You can’t really smell cat boxes. YAY. Of course, I’m not always gonna have the money to spoil myself with the pricier shit but…For once a product does as promised. I am impressed.

How sad is that, I consider buying decent litter “spoiling” myself.

I found a pair of pants this morning that don’t have holes in them. Unfortunately, they are capri, which is not optimal for cold weather. Demmit. I am so willing to buy used stuff, half of my best “gets compliments” stuff was less than two dollars from a yard sale or second hand store. But because I am so oddly proportioned, it’s hard to find pants that fit. So my shirt collection is enormous but pants wise…I  am a step from getting charged with indecent exposure. I’ve tried coming up with a way to cut some budget corners to buy a couple of pairs but…I’m buried alive here with expenses. I can ask for something for Christmas, but my family is not known for listening. And when I ask for a gift card so I can pick what I want, my mom moans about how impersonal it is. Um…No, me picking what I want is very personal. Nutter.

Now, a mini rant. Yesterday I apparently ruffled a few feathers with my rant about multi topic multi post blogs. This was aimed at some fluffballs who claim to be bipolar yet after luring me into following with one decent post…It disintegrates into inanity that makes me question their grasp of being bipolar. Needless to say, unfollow was carried out swiftly. I have a six year old to deliver idle mindless chatter, thank you very much. I don’t care about the latest designer purse. I don’t want to see pictures of your Uggs. (Which are fucking ugly so they should be called Fuggs.) I don’t give a damn about your Facebook drama or how many people gasp at your every Tweet.

This does not mean I am obsessed with bipolar, 24-7. But I like the blogs in which people share their lives and feelings about how how bipolar affects them on a day to day basis. I like substance. I don’t want fashion tips. I don’t want reposts of brilliant stuff about bipolar found on Wiki. I want to read personal accounts. That is just me.

Anyway, to those I offended, I am sorry.

I wanted to decorate for Halloween today now that the worst of the curse is over. Unfortunately, the gray cold gloom isn’t inspiring me. Rain or let the sun come out, for fuck’s sake. I love rain. I especially love thunderstorms. Which living in a trailer where one stiff wind or bolt of lightning could do us in, one would think they’d scare me. Yet…I find them soothing. I even have an audio recording of thunderstorms I play sometimes to fall asleep. RAIN, damn it, rain. It must be odd hearing me complain about the sun not being out considering how much I gripe about it. But it’s not some “depressive pessimistic” affectation. Bright sunlight gives me mega headaches. I just recognize the importance of it for my moods (which is a 180 from my pre diagnosis days when I was manic more often and relished the gray days, they made me giddy.) Also, the trailer is cold so when the sun is out, it warms things up. Less on my power bill. Good thing.

Pretzel gut is setting in. Because I know it’s a short school week, they get out early Thursday and don’t go back til Tuesday. More rapid fire from Uzi child. Ugh. It’s not some “children are to be seen, not heard” thing. When I say my child does not allow a moment’s peace, I mean, literally, she does not stop talking. Ever. Even in her sleep she mumbles. Throw in the pick up stress, the teacher conference, bills, bugs, sick cat…Yeah, while my physical pain distracted me last week, I am emerging from hormone hell and the anxiety is back in full force. Makes me wanna inflict pain on myself as a distraction. But I’m a pain  wussy so, no.

Now…new shows to watch while the spawn isn’t yapping over them. IF scumbag brain cooperates so I can focus and enjoy. I’m less than amused that now I am awake, the coughing and drainage have suddenly gone away. Really? Only when I need to sleep. Not funny, scumbag brain.

And in my head, I hear the brain give one of those creepy evil laughs, because well, it’s a scumbag.

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11 Responses to “Scumbag Brain is well, a scumbag”

  1. Haha! Re: kitty litter, you said ‘pricier shit! Lol! £0√€ ya Sissy! ;-*
    (Ugh ~ me being paranoid me, I was worried you meant me,,, being annoying, etc,,, ) I miss Deadly Women, etc,,, ID channe I wish you felt/hope you feel better. I feel myself withdrawling more lately. This fall/winter shit is absolutely not good for me. ❤ ya!

    • I watch Deadly on youtube, first few seasons are free.

      And yeah, pricier shit in reference to litter…Um…Not a morning person or I’d have noticed that.

      On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 9:36 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Mornings SUCK! I had a free month of Netflix on my cell, wasn’t worth paying to keep though money wise. Nikki pays for cable for us. Just don’t get ID.

      • I pay $7.99 a month for Hulu. Their movies are shit, but they have almost all of the network shows that post the morning after, I find that more useful than shelling out sixty a month for cable. My attention span can’t do movies anyway.

        On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 9:45 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I’m gonna have to check it out, I usually have Cartoon Network on for Jae, so I listen to music. Used to read but that’s not doing lately,,,

  2. I just wrote a post about how I actually saw my brain doing this lying and giving me shitty mood signals yesterday. I kind of caught it in the act so to speak.

    I know what you mean about the people who post that one decent article about being bipolar but then it’s article upon article about bullshit. It’s not directed at the people who are bipolar but sometimes talk about other stuff, it’s about those people who may be in some kind of remission (good for them) and just chatty along about clothes and makeup and movies. I followed one of those and this girl posted 6 times a day and it was never about bipolar after the first post! UNFOLLOW

    I can’t imagine how hard it is to have your child never shut up. I don’t mean to sound cold or callous, but I can’t stand it when the adults in my house won’t shut up and I don’t have anywhere near the relationship with them that a mother has with her child. It’s a trigger, but it’s also your baby. You’ll get it sorted, it will just take time. Thank God for Xanax in the meantime.

    Big hugs to you!

  3. Well I feel like both YOU and Spook are doing the best you both can under difficult circumstances, to say the least. Personally I feel like hunter-gatherers had the best approach to kids: obviously I would think that! Most documented groups had a word for kids that can basically be translated as: “crazy”. Or maybe, more accurately: “look at my so-and
    -so spawn off in cuckoo cloud cray cray land.” They just expected batshit craziness from their little hopping chattering monkeys; and I think it was a good strategy because it bred tolerance without anxiety. And then by ten or so a condition of “getting less crazy by the day” was naturally expected. But what IS fucking crazy is an entire civilization forcing kids to sit at desks all day and learn reading and arithmetic. Jesus H Christopher. Then again, take all this with a big heaping dollop of salt, because I spent most of high school in detention. And I turned out fine…erm…

    • I spent most of high school missing days due to the bullying making me physically ill. When I was there, it was with headphones on and reading Metal Edge instead of doing algebra.

      School bored me outside of English class. I do, however, wish I’d paid more attention to the sewing portion of home ec. Cooking is not as useful as it’d be to ya know, be able to make my own clothes.

      Yeah, kids should be semi feral, for awhile at least. I just don’t want mine to be a sociopath. She is gonna flout authority and rules, she’s my kid, after all. Just wanna make sure she doesn’t end up on an episode of Deadly Women for ya know, murdering me. (It sounds dramatic but man, there are a LOT of girls who kill their parents.)

      On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 11:16 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  4. My mum is a pure fire genius, NHS grade at its best, and she got one successful but annoyingly… Sorry, that’s family politics! And two more children that are rewarded with the glorious compliment ‘functional’
    Good or bad parent, its all about the child finding what suits them best and you been left at the start line, when they take off
    Shit, I was meant to be sounding positive and offering some attempt at reassurance, better quit my job talking people off ledges!!

  5. small novelty gifts that you can eat, shit load easier to do the Christmas stress fest of shopping that way!

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