The Twister That Is My Brain-Attention Deficit Disorder

twister irfanviewTHAT is what my brain is like at any given time. A twister. A cyclone. A force of nature to wreak destruction and blow cows through the sky. (The cow was always my favorite scen e from Twister, not cos the moo gets hurt, but because it was…well, not factual thus funny.)

My shrink says attention deficit is a common secondary problem of bipolar. Our minds spin so fast due to the mood swings that it becomes a lack of focus then metastasizes to attention deficit. We look flaky, like we are lazy and don’t want to pay attention but it’s hard to do when your brain is firing off a dozen thoughts all at once. I am on Focalin and even it isn’t helping at times, my brain is just too….clusterfucked.

It worked wonders initially, but being med resistant…It makes sense that seven months at the same low dose would become less efficient. Still, it took me 7 years and five doctors to find one who’d even attempt to help by prescribing Focalin. Can’t really rock the boat. And besides, I’ve started to wonder if between that, and the hypomania inducing Cymbalta, are why my anxiety has become so heightened. I like the energy, I like being able to focus better (though certainly not at any level the McMuggles deem optimal).

Oh, how the thoughts swirl today. I could do this, that, knick knack paddy whack, give the dog a bone….

Yet in spite of coming up with projects to do, my salad of a brain can’t pull a single thought out of it all to run with. It’s all so fleeting, like blowing a bubble and it’s nice and big and you think you can catch it on your finger but then ,poof, it’s gone.

For a more accurate description, though I’ll be damned if the shrink didn’t get it and looked at me like I had two heads…It’s like trying to pull in one radio station but for whatever, you’re getting two fuzzy stations on the same frequency. So while your brain tries to follow the rock and roll station, the talk radio station keeps distracting you.

I hate this shit.

By the time I get a chance to do the “agenda” my tornado brain has created…I won’t have the energy. So when I have the energy, I can’t focus enough to do it. When I can focus, my energy is gone.

WTF brain.

 

 

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15 Responses to “The Twister That Is My Brain-Attention Deficit Disorder”

  1. UGGGHHHHH!!!!!! Good LORD woman!!! This shit SUX! I remember you telling me about the Bipolar/ADD;ADHD association a little while ago,,, ya got me convinced, no doubt about that!

    • Well, to be h0nest, I had no idea the ADD/ADHD was a byproduct of the bipolar til Fr B told me it was…I just figured, what with an ADHD brother and nephew, it made sense I’d have an attention deficit, minus the hyperactivity.
      It explains a great deal, though, and it was Dr. M from 2006 who originally gave me the Focalin that helped. God, I miss her, she was frigging amazing.
      Still…I have to have some gratitude now that I have a doc who sees me in person and actually answers my calls himself as opposed to delegating. Kinda says he cares, ya know? Or I am delusional. But even Dr. M, awesome as she was, never returned my call personally, so maybe this guy, in spite of his detriments, is decent enough.
      IDK, but from all I have read in y’all’s blogs…Lack of focus does not seem like a coincidence, it seems like we’re all in the same boat with holes in it and it’s sinking fast. ❤

      • I’m glad you got a pretty good Dr in your corner for once, I found one right off the bat, & you know damned well that’s extremely important!! ❤

  2. OMG that radio analogy is spot on. I run one of two ways….thought salad, or completely blank of any thoughts. I always think I’m going to like it when it goes blank again, but it’s never as nice as I think it will be.

  3. What? People can focus their brains at will? I’ll get laser clarity for a while, then back into the mud I go.

  4. I just tried to make a cup of tea. The living room is hoovered now and the rabbit corner has been viciously attacked with bug spray. I evicted two spiders and threw out two large boxes of play hay then bug sprayed again to make sure all the little bastards are dead in the carpet, then I tried to hoover them up (why does nobody make a hoover that doesn’t require complicated unclogging every damn time you want to just wizz it around like they do on the adverts???). My husband ended up making the tea while I was trying to pick up straggly bits of hay with the “no suction loss” hoover that had lost so much suction that it was spitting hay back out on the floor again. I would have thought my special pet hoover would be able to cope with hay and rabbit shit. Apparently “pet hoover” means “picks up dog/cat hair.” I got distracted by insects. I don’t think I have it anywhere near as bad as you do though so I can only imagine.

    • Must be spider eviction day,I freed a daddy longlegs this morning cos my kid was spazzing out. I set it loose outside, I only squash bugs like roaches.

      I have SEVEN vacuums, all of them broken, so my sabertooth carpet bunnies are creating a mutant cat of multiple fur shades. I can keep a computer going for years, a car for years, yet it takes one use and I kill every fucking vacuum. It’s a gift, I guess. They need to be less crappy cos one use with animals clogs it and it irks me.

      On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 12:12 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • SEVEN???? You’d think one of them would work! What are the odds? Argh why can they never cope with the thing they’re designed to pick up??? I just tried to clean rabbit fur off my slacks and the hoover just kind of sat there making a loud “I’m working” noise but it wasn’t fooling anyone.
        Yeah I don’t kill spiders or daddy long legses, I try to save moths and bees, anything else (ants, flies, fleas, larvae, wasps) is vermin and I kill it as quickly as possible because I’m a bitch and I don’t like things that threaten the rabbits (rabbits are in the greatest danger of fly strike so flies get killed swiftly and with extreme prejudice).

      • In possibly my only sadistic trait..I like to pour salt on slugs and watch them ooze to death. Just hate those things. And maggots, I cannot do maggots. Nope. Or leeches.

        I’m generally not squeamish but slimy things, squirming things…NOPE.

        On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 12:21 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Oh HELLS YES. When slugs get in the house they don’t leave alive. I think the local ones have evolved to avoid my drains now after last time I chucked a kilo of salt down there. I’ve never seen a leech but I think I’d stab it.

      • I went wading in a creak as a kid and came out with multiple leeches on my ankles and legs. NOPE. I don’t go in water I can’t see the bottom of now, ever.

        People hear me say how I loathe slimy things yet I used to have a pet snake and it irks me. Snakes are not the least bit slimy. They are quite dry and smooth and mine was so gentle I used to take her to local schools to teach the kids about snakes.

        Give me a hundred snakes over one maggot.

        On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 12:38 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Glick! That sounds horriffic! I don’t think I’d go near water if that had happened to me. Aww your snake sounds awesome. I’ve never met a snake but being an archaeology graduate I have to be a little wary of them to fit with the stereotype. Apparently when I was a toddler my mum took me to London zoo and there was one of those “handle a snake” days and I let one wrap me up, but I don’t remember. I have nightmares about poisonous snakes sometimes but I’ve always wanted to see a British grass snake (they’re super rare now though).

      • I miss my snake. Ophelia was so docile, I had to drive 40 miles out of town to find a vet that handled exotics and she coiled around my wrist and rode there and back that way. I liked it when she’d rest in my hair. I felt like Medusa.

        On Mon, Oct 5, 2015 at 12:44 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Hahaha turning up with a snake in your hair would have been the best school run ever! All the parents would definitely stop trying to interact when you were reading then.*
        *But they would probably be shitty and call soc. servs because, y’know, it’s not how they want to do things.

  5. I get it, perfect picture to cover it

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