FML

Yeah. One of THOSE days. Fuck my life. Oddly it wasn’t so bad til I hit my limit on my kid being a defiant and antagonistic troll. By the time she screamed “stupid mother!” because I took her DVD player away for ignoring me…
I sooo fucked up having a kid. I am not strong enough for this daily constant rejection and defiance. Maybe it’s cos I ended up with ‘this’ kid who is loaded with every trait known to set me off. Perhaps it is linked to just how not well I am doing right now and she could be a dream spawn but I would still feel defeated.
I am sick of others criticizing my parenting because my virulent strain of child listens to them but not me when I am saying the same bloody thing.
I am tired of doing my best for a child who daily says she is gonna claim I abuse her so she can go live with parents who don’t make her eat gross food like pork chops.
My ass is getting kicked by the Ebola if six year olds. I am  keeping a brave front up for her because I know taking away her DVD player for calling me stupid is justified.
Does not make it easier just cos I know I am right.
I was never so naive as to think having a kid meant I would always have someone to love me. I am the adult who chose to have a child. It is my job to do the selfless love thing. Just also had no idea my mental state would deteriorate to this point where a bratty six year old is making me too exhausted to want to live.
It is not drama,not a cop out,not an excuse. It may not be how I feel ten hours from now but it is how I feel this moment.
And it is so exhausting I can only kick myself for having the hubris to think I could be a good mom.
I am Minimom.I feed clothe bathe and educate her. The minimums. I am not fun. No wonder she puts me thru Hell.
Is it the stress and depression talking? Probably.
Doesn’t mean some truth isn’t there.
My kid and I are failing each other. She is too young to know and I am too far gone to have
gth

left to fix it.
Fuck my life.

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32 Responses to “FML”

  1. Funny, I was just muttering FML when I saw the title of your post. No one should have to raise a child all alone, especially under such trying circumstances. I hope you two can find some peace together.

    • Oddly I was raising her alone even when her donor was here because he was “exhausted” from working 37 hours a week and needed his rest. I guess I’ve always been a single mom.

      • I love that you call him “donor.” I mean, I don’t love, obviously, that you have to call him “donor”, but you did find the perfect sobriquet.

      • I’m of the mind that “dad” and “mom” are titles earned by being present and making the effort. Otherwise, you literally are just an egg/sperm donor.
        Four years without so much as mailing her a birthday card…Donor is me being polite, even if it doesn’t sound that way.

      • No, I think that pretty much ALL comes across. At least did for me.

      • I’m trying to understand exhaustion from working 37 hr week. I work about 44 or more if you count the shit I do off the clock just to be sure my stats are adequate, and then I wash the dishes and clean the house and help with the homework, we split the cooking, and I confess i do leave doctors, the food shopping, and bills up to Mrs M to manage. And she’s exhausted and wants a backrub and a footbath/massage. I’m exhausted and want …something else. Wish it were “tit for tat,” as they say, so to speak. Is that code, or is that some kind of handicraft expression? And I wish she weren’t so tired and had energy for me. She’s tired after going shopping while I like the break from having to deal with family. I’d like to trade that task but she says I overspend. Can’t win. Oh well.

      • Well, I am on disability so I don’t have a job yet find myself exhausted all the time. Difference is, what energy I do have left goes on my kid and the banalities of life whereas *some* use exhaustion as an excuse to avoid reality so they can do what they enjoy.

        Were life that simple for adults. Unfortunately, I know way too many fifty year old children who want to get married, have kids, and play house yet leave all the not fun shit to someone else.

        I wanted a fifty fifty balance but that made me a bitch. Doesn’t change what I want. Which might mean being alone for life yet…being a loner, that’s not a hardship as long as I can find the occasional booty call. I’m shallow that way. 🙂

        On Wed, Oct 14, 2015 at 10:18 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

  2. *Sits on screened in porch with cake vodka* Fuckit. We do the best we can and we never feel like it’s good enough with our mental states WITHOUT having children and/or relationships. The fact that you do it alone only quadruples your inability to feel effective.
    Lemme at Spook for a month…just lemme at her.
    I know you are broken and beaten down. The fact your health care “professionals” brush it all off makes it worse. You need to up and leave that armpit town and go to the city. Fuck what the others “think”. You need to take care of you so you can take care of Spook-and by God if you’re rooming at the luxury accommodations at the Rubber Ramada, who’s gonna take care of her? Cheesus lord help us all.
    I love you lady, and I’m only my way with animal hybrids and something better than Xanax. ❤

    • Depression and anxiety make everything seem so fucking fatal at the time, then later…I am wondering who that weak whiny twonk who wrote that post is.
      I want a new brain.

      • Me too…It’s the daily bipolar coaster that’s getting on my fucking nerves. Yesterday I was ok, but kinds blah and took a nap. Today-I’ve already been to the store, made cinnamon rolls coffee and tea, taken out the trash, folded a load of laundry and started the towels. I need to clean the pig cage, vacuum, and stretch. Tomorrow? Crash and burn.
        I hate feeling weak when my brain and body are all uppity then plummet. I swear there’s someone or something in my abyss using me like a marionette puppet…fuck

  3. I had 3 children. One with Bipolar and rage issues. Funny thing is even with all the trouble he gave me, he and I are the closest. She’s still young. She could be just a brat or she could have MI just like you do. Unfortunately it is bound to happen. Luckily only one out of the 3 I had got it.

    • I am having her assessed for ADHD because if that is in play, it could explain so very much. If that isn’t it, I will go from there. I think the seasonal is hitting and I am just grrr, on overload. 2015 has definitely not been the Year Of Morgue.

      • Sorry things are going so rough on you. My grandson is the same way with the word “NO” and he hits, kicks and bites my daughter. He does it to me and she can find another babysitter. I think he might have ADHD too. Good luck with the testing.

  4. You’re not copping out, Morgue. Sounds like Spook needs help, and I agree with SassaFrassTheFeisty – you gotta get outta there. Or at least get help with Spook. If she’s acting out that much, she’s not happy. And if she’s not listening to you, you gotta get SOMEONE who she will listen to. Right now you’re taking blows from yourself and blows from your kid. Not. fair.

    • My kid is happy, that is the thing. The happiest kid ever. It’s the word “no” that sets her off. The biggest issue is, I had her under my mother’s care off and on for two years while my delusional ass tried to “learn” computer repair and failed. Now I have a spoiled ungrateful child used to hearing yes to everything and if it’s not yes, she can lob threats against me and call me names. My mother taught her this. I was raised by that woman, I know her spiel.
      Biggest mistake ever letting my mom be an influence on my child. Now I have to try to clean up the mess when I am barely in the shape to walk and chew gum at the same time.
      So until therapy invents a different word for “no” or my kid has a transformation into an adult who grasps the concept…This is what I’ve got to deal with.
      And I am not backing down because saying no is kind of a mom’s job. Just wish this wasn’t hitting right as seasonal does, it turns me into a whiny doomsdayer type.
      I am getting the paperwork to have Spook assessed for ADHD. It’s a start. I want to rule that out before we do the therapy bit again. Last time she snowed the therapist and I got berated for being the problem. With our family history, ADHD might be in play. If not…
      I am gonna ask the shrink for a valium lick.

      • Valium better than xanax? Never had it

      • I don’t recall ever having had valium unless they gave it to me pre op for my gallbladder removal. I know when the donor had his Vasectomy they gave him a single ten mg Valium the morning of and he was coasting real nice.
        I think we need that on occasion. God knows if I get wound any tighter I am gonna behead someone when my springs finally snap.

      • A common presurgical sedatives/anziolytic is Versed (a benzo,,,) that’s what I & my sis were given for tubal ligations/ablation, then use propofol for the knock out drug,,, sorry about your high stress/anxiety,,, I’m more & more anxious & mood•fucked all over the police place,,, Jägerax please!!

      • I have always wondered how it was Michael Jackson was able to get propofol simply because it is used for surgery. Guess if you’re rich and insane, you can buy anything.
        In which case, I’ve insane covered, now make me rich and give me a maid, a chauffeur, a nanny, and a fully stocked bar.

      • Seriously ~ Dr Feel-good, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, all those,,,

      • Yeah, I was watching an Anna Nicole Smith true crime thing the other day and they nailed her shrink for all the unnecessary scripts.
        Like being a celebrity warrants heavier drugs than the rest of us peasants need! LOL.

      • Yeah, she’s one of those I was trying to think of,,, then there are alot of rockers & people who never need to buy,,, the fans etc, get (drugs) backstage, dressing rooms just to turn em on, Scott Stapp,,, even Janice Joplin, John Beluschi,,, sad

      • Let us not forget the posterchild for being a hot mess, Lindsay Lohan. Doesn’t say much for letting your kid be a child star.

      • If she’s just spoiled she can learn to get over it. No is never a nice word, even when you’re grown up. Unfortunately, it’s a word we all have to deal with. No, you didn’t get the job. No, we’re not publishing you. No, I don’t love you anymore. No precedes every crappy sentence ever created. When you think about it, dealing with ‘no’ is a very adult concept and we expect little people to get the idea by the time they’re what, two or three? Tough one.

        Glad to know you’ll have Spook assessed for ADHD. And the next time a therapist suggests YOU’RE the problem, just remind him or her that it takes two to fight: Spook is doing her share of pushing your buttons, and doesn’t deserve to get off scot free. Again.

        I think two valium licks are in order, one for Spook and one for you….. *hugs*

      • Never had Valium. WANT.

      • I have. Got it prescribed when one of my eyes developed an annoying tic. Just a low dose…always a wee bit afraid of getting too dependent on any one thing. I’d barely feel the effect..but it did help with the tic.

  5. I also agree with Sass that trying to get to a place where you have access to better doctors is going to help. Whether or not you have to move to do that, I don’t know. I would suspect that Spook is an angel for others because she does not know the limits of those people and doesn’t know what a punishment could end of being. However, with you, she does know the limits, so she walks all over them. She knows what gets your goat, so she stomps on it. That’s life with a little one sometimes. Though there could be something more there, but only therapy will uncover that.

    I think that you are doing a remarkable job with Spook. You keep her safe, you keep her fed, clothed…all the basics. And, at night, when she’s afraid, you let her climb in bed with you. These are all the right things and some of what she’s doing is right for her age. It’s just really really depth of the ocean suck that you have to do this alone. And while you are sick.

    Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a therapist let her know the ball that starts to roll if she cries abuse. It’s all fun and games until you end up in the foster system.

    You are NOT doing a bad job. In fact, I think that you are doing a great job. You are daily facing some of your hardest fears to do right by Spook and it’s got to be incredibly draining. I can’t even imagine how you are doing it, but you are doing it. Try not to beat yourself up too badly, and definitely get better doctors.

    • I’ve been trying to escape this play for years, but it never sticks due to what else, money. I can’t afford to live elsewhere, can’t even afford here. Unless I win the lottery or find a well off relocation benefactor, I am screwed. Not to mention the second I try to leave, then her donor would pop up and suddenly have interest and accuse me of secreting her away.
      I’ve talked to my doctor about her threats, so that is all on record, with friends and family as well. Everyone knows she is not abused, she is just a spoiled child.
      I am getting the paperwork for ADHD assessment for her before all else. It runs in the family, I have ADD, so I want to rule that out before I go looking for “sky is falling” mental issues. I’ve seen kids with ADHD become absolute tyrants with a missed pill when otherwise they are polite and sweet kids, so…maybe it’s something that can be easily treated, IDK.
      I know I am doing my best but the stupid depression has its claws in me and if I knew how to battle that shit, I wouldn’t be on anti depressant number 26.
      On the plus side, at least this current doctor seems empathetic even if his Katmandu education doesn’t seem to make him brilliant. He hasn’t given up on me, so I’d like to not give up on him. This shit isn’t hard science, more like science-ish and artform. I think getting my kid calmed down would be a big help for me getting calmed down, maybe it’s all relative.

      • I think that you are right. If Spook chills, that’ll help you tremendously. You won’t have to live on the edge, waiting for the next tantrum, or lulled into complacency by her sweetness. Because she is sweet, overall. She just has some issues.

        Psychiatry/therapy is definitely an art with a little science tossed in for effect.

  6. I’m coming with Sass to getcha, (I friggin feel exhausted just breathing, tired of rollercoaster ride, i didn’t even buy tickets,,,) let’s do some plotting on the assfucks, I’ll bring voodoo dolls & pins & stuff,,,

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