Psychological Beatdown

If this looks even shittier than my usual posts it is because I am writing it on this smartphone while in this bed. I hit my wall. Today was a steel cage match with depression, anxiety, and the spawn all against me. I got my ass kicked.
I was OK, thinking earlier that while I still felt down I wasn’t feeling psychologically tortured. And then…
School pick up. I had a more anxious time than usual, to the point of panic and believing we were seriously in danger. My brain sent red alert, fight or flight kicking in. Couldn’t breathe. Could barely think how to drive without hitting a kid  or  car. Then some asshat is too busy eating to pay attention so they nearly hit me.
Got home. Began to recover. Then I tell my kid no to something and back into the steel cage I went. Been awhile since she had a ballistic fit like this. She went primal. She drew psychological blood by saying I don’t do anything but  smoke and watch TV. While I do those things more than I should it pissed me off to have all the stuff I get done trivialized. Yeah I know she is six and I am the adult. She just kept tearing into me and would not back off. She kept berating me for not being fun and I was walking away in tears all teary and frustrated. I mumbled “maybe I should just die.” I thought she had slammed off. Nope. She turns it into another drama where I said I was gonna kill myself and I am so mean and I hurt her feelings…More fucking drama.
I felt shitty but damn I can’t even mutter to myself anymore this kid has such a stranglehold on me. She made me cry and fall down further the rabbit hole. I got a migraine from her warbling. She fell asleep around six pm and I left her. We both had such poor rest last night due to the three am acrocats. My mood went so low I couldn’t stand any more time outside my bedroom crypt. This all I can do not to take melatonin at 8pm cos being awake is just too grueling.
Saving grace is I managed to pull myself together before she nodded off and bring about a peaceful accord. Can just see her running to school and saying mommy is gonna kill herself. So much drama. Hate it.
I am admitting defeat for now. I will be back in the steel cage tomorrow. Might wanna place your bets elsewhere. I am unreliable and beaten down.
Bet on the pegacorn. It is a badass.
I am just the bruised husk
curled up in the corner.

15 Responses to “Psychological Beatdown”

  1. I wish they had a unlike button because I hate it that you are having such a bad day. Sending Gentle hugs and prayers.

  2. Sorry Morgue, hugs to you. ❤

  3. So sorry about your day from hell, as Sarah’s attic of treasures said above I hate to like a post this tough.
    All I can say is that I know what you mean by defeat and it blows, takes every last piece of stuffing out of you.

  4. Still placing my bets on you. You write straight from your suffering heart and that alone takes courage. And you’re surviving, which takes so much more. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. No platitudes. Just pulling for you.

  5. Fuck. All these shitty circumstances. It’s bad enough that we constantly have to deal with our minds to add your child parroting the shit society screams at you too. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this shit.

  6. It’s okay to retreat when you’re overwhelmed, Morgue. Take your time, find your feet. I’m sad that you’re at that point. I know it feels terrible and hopeless. Wish a kiss would make it better, but such simple remedies have no effect on pain like yours. My thoughts are with you.

  7. It’s so hard just to fight our own minds and then to add a bunch of really difficult things into the mix….I can’t imagine. You have my constant prayers for strength and peace. Definitely try to take care of yourself while kiddo is at school and you can be uninterupted. Whether it’s to nap or watch tv or whatever. You need a fucking break sweets.

  8. I’m about to pack my shit, buy a pack ‘a cigs, find a shopping cart, live on endless bottles of booze, become a ape shit crazy bag lady, rambling to myself & flipping out at strangers. Hell, i can’t help it, my mind plays tricks on me – I’m crazy. Come with me, I need a part. in crime.

  9. What a shitty day. Have a hug (or a ton of cobwebs to keep people from harassing you, take your pick).

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