50 Shades Of Go Fuck Yourself

***Disclaimer, this post is filled with seriously foul language, hatred, and misanthropy. Read at your own risk.

R was supposed to be here two hours ago. Once again, not so much as a cancel or fuck off, just “be there in a bit” and no reply to my text. People are just disappointments and most don’t even have a good reason. I have been there when I had a bad reaction to meds and my muscles locked up. I was there when my car got smashed into. I was there rather than helping my family after the fire. And this is the reciprocation. Come the fuck on, am I really being unreasonable here? It’s always the mental person who takes the brunt for others being assholes, nothing fucking new. I’m leaning toward dropping out, I am over this person shit. If you don’t want me disappointed and pissed say NO, don’t fucking make promises and blow me off. Rudeness is just…gahhh…GO FUCK YOURSELF.

I waited all these months to watch Fifty Shades Of Grey. I made it 2/3 through and quit. Fuck that shit, if I wanna be bored into a coma, I have reality. Seriously…Could they have picked blander actors? That girl just makes me want to slap her for being so boring and the guy who’s supposed to be dominant…Ha ha ha, he’s so metrosexual, I’d smack him around on principle.

Maybe I am just a  demanding moody bitch. I’m beyond caring. I’ve been so angered and disillusioned in one evening, I had to take a fucking Xanax to force down the rage. Every damned time I put a bit of faith in people, they let me down not once, not twice, but three nights in a row now. Every time I look forward to a movie, I am let down. I don’t have excessively high standards. I just expect someone to keep their damned word and if you make a book into a movie, ffs, don’t make it a cure for fucking insomnia.

I am channeling my fuck monster because I’ve been listening to Murderdolls/Wednesday 13 the last hour. It reminds me who I am without the goddamn depression and anxiety oppressing me to dust. I am angry, and foul mouthed, and rebellious, and dark and ghoulish and I LOVE TO SAY FUCK AND MOTHERFUCKER I DON’T CARE, I WANT YOU DEAD. Yeah, Wednesday’s music speaks to me, it’s almost a religious experience. This is why I would never ever want to meet him. His music is a treasure for me, if I were to meet him and discover one more waste of oxygen in human form, I’d probably stick my head in the oven. I’m fine with the distant idolization of the genius that puts into song every sick dark angry feeling I’ve ever had.

Other than all this…Uneventful day. I cooked chicken and noodles for my mom and delivered them. My sister asked me to foster one of their cats, one of the strays no one wants (it doesn’t even have a name) or otherwise they were going to dump it..So I said, ok, don’t dump it, bring it, Spook loves that cat. So I mention it and hour after hour of my kid hammering about when is she getting her new cat and they had no intention of bringing it today but of course, no one told me that.

FUUUUCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I’m a step from my head spinning on my shoulders, spewing pea soup and screaming YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL. (Also a song by Wednesday’s old band, Frankenstein Dragqueens from planet 13.)

I’ve got my bitch on, in a big way. And still, almost three hours later and not so much as a fuck you to my last text from his highness. No, it is indeed a mystery why I hate people and have so much anger.

Ya know what will help? Slipknot. Duality. Yesss. Because that’s how I feel. When I am good, I am good. When I am hurt, depressed, anxious, disappointed, pissed off- I am a bitchbeast. Lesson there is DON’TFUCKINGPISSMEOFFMOTHERFUCKERS.

I need a grenade. A dozen of them. Once again, that final scene from Heathers plays in my mind and THAT IS WHAT I WANT, THAT IS MY FUCKING DREAM.

Except when I am in a good mood which means I’m pretty much homicidal and pissed off 99.7% of the time.

AND????

When even your so called friends think so little of you, don’t ya suppose one is entitled to some self righteous indignation and fury?

Oh, fuck it. Trying to be validated by this fucked up world is pointless, I am mental, therefore it will always be my fault because the mundanes can do no wrong.

Parting words from Wednesday…

“I’ve been thinking lately…And I’ve been drinking baby…So fuck you.”

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18 Responses to “50 Shades Of Go Fuck Yourself”

  1. The disclaimer, before I ask, are you bragging?? LMFAO! Now stop interrupting me so I can read your f*cking, offensive **bleep bleep** post!! BIG SHIT EATIN’ GRIN!! ❤ YA!

  2. I used to know someone who blew me off a lot. He’d say he be over in 30 minutes and it could be three hours to three weeks before I’d see him. Found out two important things about this dude. One, he was a raging alcoholic and drug addict. He didn’t look for it, but if it was on offer he’d be in. The second thing was he was an even bigger people pleaser than me. When he met someone casually on the street, he couldn’t tell them he was supposed to be somewhere else. He didn’t want to ‘blow them off’ right then and there; somehow it was easier for him to diss a previous promise than to say no to whoever was in front of him.

    It was sure a piece of the problem between us (and we were just friends) AND part of the final argument when he walked out the door after a fuck you. Haven’t talked to him since. Maybe R has a lot more baggage than you’re giving him credit for. Maybe it’s NOT you, Morgue. That doesn’t negate the rage. Don’t think I mean to say anything like that: you are properly angry, and for good reason. Just be careful about taking the blame on yourself (I know, I blame myself a lot and I can call other people on it and still have a problem myself).

    Many hugs from your future adoptive mom.

    • Yep, that sounds just like R, 90 plus ounces of beer seven nights week, can’t say no to someone’s face but has no problem canceling by flaking out ona prior engagement. I know it’s not my fault, I’m not rude like that. And the fact it’s somehow taken as me being demanding for getting mad about being blown off THREE STRAIGHT DAYS has me furious.
      Because if I reciprocated, I’d be a using flaky bitch. Cannot stand people who don’t play fair, especially when they use my bipolar issues to make me seem crazy rather than own their own rudeness.
      We’re gonna be there as soon as we win the lottery, adoptive mom! ❤

      • 🙂 Morgue, I just sold my first short story so I may actually make the money before you win it!

        And sweetie, yeah, you have a right to be furious. I hate that shit, too.

  3. I don’t understand what’s so fucking hard about grabbing your phone and texting a person “sorry, I can’t make it.” I mean seriously, wtf. I’ve got the pitchforks out from my last raid.

    • I am about sick of being told to let it go because he doesn’t live up to my expectations. Seriously, when expecting politeness and basic manners is demanding, we as a society are beyond screwed.

  4. R is being an R-sole again eh…. It’s not news, is there any way you can lose your expectations of him? He’s cool, he treats you like shit, then it cycles over and over. Some people just aren’t reliable and they don’t tend to change. You’re giving him a lot of energy, what makes that worthwhile for you? II don’t know thedude, I’m just chucking some thoughts your way, from what I’ve read. I’d go fucking bananas with all that inconsistency too. I have one friend like it and it took me years to stop wanting to throttle her.

    • If I sever ties with him, I’ll be shunned by his wife and I really like hanging out with her. I’ve tried to be tolerant but at which point am I having high expectations and at which point am I simply expecting basic manners? :”Can’t make it.” Done. Not asking him to ride a unicycle while wearing Wolverine claws and juggling barbwire dildos.

      • Didn’t think your expectations were high at all – it is basic courtesy, you’re dead right. It’s just that some people never even make it to that level. Eh idk.

  5. I think that part of feeling somewhat better from all this medical bullshit that we are suffering, is to dump the baggage. I only know what you’ve written, but from what you have written, R needs to go. You seem to be getting way more aggravation from him then anything positive. If he’s just sucking you dry, dump him. Sucking you dry is what family is for.

  6. I feel bad for laughing through most of this. Because you’re angry. But the way you word things ….. I just love it. Even in your rage.

    People suck. I learned a long ass time ago to not depend on people. Especially my father and mother and 90% of my family.

  7. Saw the trailer. Did look like the most boring movie ever. When did having zero personality become the height of sexiness in men? Oh wait, he flies planes. And takes out his mommy issues on klutzy employees. I get it…

  8. Slipknot – oh Gods yes. I saw them live earlier this year and I fucking LOVED them (it was the end of the shittiest day as well, my so-called best friend had abandoned me at a rainy festival to go and have sex with some randomer, leaving me standing outside a tent waiting for her like a plank for 2 hours). I’ve not heard much from Wednesday 13 but I love System of a Down for when I’m really really pissed and need to get it the fuck out. Tuesday was a SOAD day. I need to explore Wednesday 13 my sister keeps telling me he’s amazing (she saw him live) and I do quite like a certain Mr Manson and apparently they’re comparable? Imma go verify this right now on Youtube.
    On a related note, I hadn’t seen the 50 shades film, I’d heard it was a flop, and everyone at my local fetish club basically said the same. Apparently the actors were ashamed to be a part of it??? Surely they should have made that clear before they signed up??? WTF? I mean, I know the source material wasn’t fantastic compared to pure-niche stuff (I’m going to write a reading list one of these days) but it wasn’t the worst book series ever, I just felt the books were distinctly lacking in any of the kinky stuff they were supposed to have had in spades, so I felt like while I liked the story, I didn’t see how it could be considered “BDSM.” Which was disappointing, and why I didn’t go see the film. I really liked Secretary. That was a good film (although the female lead was a bit wet).
    Also R sounds like a right twat how dare he keep you waiting after saying he’d be there! Grr. I am annoyed on your behalf.

  9. The pink lavender is so nice! I take it with me to class so I can smell it if I’m getting sleepy 😉

  10. With havin so much content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism or copyright infringement? My blog has a lot of exclusive content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any techniques to help prevent content from being stolen? I’d certainly appreciate it.

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