If Only Faith Was Like A Reloadable Debit Card

The past week or two has both restored my faith in humanity as well as taken away that same faith. Unfortunately, I can’t drive out to Wally-World to reload my “faith card” so I am stuck in this hellish overdrawn state where I am not only lacking faith, I am minus faith I didn’t have to begin with.

Losing Abby and Arsenic (yes, crazy cat lady is still on about her cats) after so long of being standoffish and not getting attached again due to all the losses of cats the past year…It shattered me. Especially considering I have a couple of outdoor ferals who have been eating my food for three years but won’t even let me pet them. Yet my sweet loving kitties died. If that’s “God’s” way, consider me a Godless heathen. Not for me to debate the worthiness of who lives and who doesn’t because it’s been made clear I’m an unproductive drain on society so I’d be the first to go come Gattaca…Just…Seems like those with genuine goodness in them are ripped away and those whose existence is pure evil live on and on.

How is that supposed to feed my faith?

I honestly felt bad for my family after the fire thing and all the loss of kitty life. I also had this underlying hope that it might humble the bunch of spoiled ungrateful adult brats. To no avail, they are who they are, they never learn a bit. My empathy is coming up overdrawn and I really want to wash my hands of them. Considering it’s my useless brother in law in control of everything, it makes me want to puke. Especially him questioning where all the money is. I can’t help if they take fees and it comes in increments. It’s just galling to do something nice and not only not get a thank you but be questioned. And my mom, who long has told me how ungrateful I am, lets him get away with it.

OMG,your 4K tv was ruined. Your shampoo is cheap and has no conditioner. Your clothes smell like smoke. You can’t have cable for six days. My poor sister is doing everything while her husband sits on his ass. He wouldn’t even help move the stove because the sides (hidden by the counters) were greasy and he said it was too “nasty” for him to touch. He literally did nothing but watch everyone else move stuff.

Faith in mankind? When that thing gets to live and innocent kitties and children die? Bitch, please.

The suckiest part is, during my battle to keep Abby alive, so many people reached out to the fund, to spread the word on social media…It touched me deeply to see so many still have good in them.

Yet that’s on line and not my daily norm. These other assholes are my daily norm and the fact I have even passing faith is a miracle.

I can take my debit card to any retail store and add money to it when its gone.

My faith is not refillable and every time it runs empty, it just takes that much longer and that much more to refill it. If ungrateful rude assholes are all you ever encounter IRL..pessimism and faithlessness seem pretty logical.

Throw in the bipolar episodes, during which I could win the lottery and still be depressed and hopeless, or my car engine can blow up, my furnace can break, and I’m still staying afloat…It impacts my ability to have faith and keep faith.

At the moment all I have faith in is that it’s just gonna keep getting worse. Because that’s all I’ve known for months and months now. One step forward only to get knocked ten steps back. I like to think I am kind, empathetic, have a good heart…So why can’t I catch a break yet the truly wretched seem to inherit the kingdom?

Life isn’t simply unfair, it’s downright illogical. Unfathomable.

I am trying so hard and getting nowhere while others make zero effort and always come out on top. That is beyond fucked up.

So call me a faithless godless heathen. I’ve earned the right to be considering all the asshole-ism I have to deal with.

And if you know of a location that does refill your faith card, let me know. I’ll be there with bells on and the pegacorn tied out front.

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15 Responses to “If Only Faith Was Like A Reloadable Debit Card”

  1. La Sabrosona Says:

    Coincidentally I was thinking yesterday of miserable old people who drink and smoke and eat pure lard for breakfast and incessantly complain, how they are the ones who live to 100. Not comparing them to “evil” people, just wondering how it is that they are “unhealthy” yet manage to outlive most of us. So I can see your frustration with those who get by “effortlessly”. I honestly don’t think your experiences, the tough ones, are in vain. I think we all need to shave our heads and convert to Buddhism 😉 Because it’s really hard to accept the fleeting aspects of life. So sorry about your kitties xx

  2. I think I left my faith card somewhere in a dusty corner where the dead beetles, spiders, cobwebs and crumbs are, waiting to be swept and cleaned and rediscovered. However, if I *do* have a recharging station, it’s this and I need to dock again soon:
    I John 3: 18 “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 19 This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: 20 If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”

    What it says to me is when things don’t make sense and I think I’m losing it, God knows that and will be with me even when I can’t see Him and shit stops making sense. I hate it, I rebel, I tantrum like a 3 year old, I want to beat the hell out of someone or something, or throw stuff, I want it to stop, and like a good Dad he waits until I settle down and He’s still there to comfort. Fuck. I really wish I felt comforted more often, like for instance, now. But sometimes it’s too much for me to deal with and I want to run away, like now. Bring your pegacorn and come with me when I’m ready, or maybe I’ll meet you there.

  3. Your brother in law sounds like a douche of the first order. It’s always frustrating to be around people like that who don’t try and still get by, when we try and try and try and feel like we are being left further and further behind. But, I think that what is really happening is that people like your BIL are riding coattails. It’s not that they are doing nothing and getting ahead, it’s that people who do try are willing to drag them along with them. They are draining the people who carry them along as well as those who have to watch. It’s time to stop pulling these people with us. Their weight is preventing us from moving forward at a faster pace.

  4. I consider myself a good enough person and I sure hope to everything that higher power takes me away from this fucking place, which has gone to hell largely in part by the greedy ill will of bastards in positions of power. We have wrecked this planet royally. I’ll take that expedited pass into death. Don’t give that privilege to the bad guys who deserve to stay in this rotting cesspit of a world until all assholes destroy themselves completely.

    Of course, that’s because I believe being dead is better than being alive and have a different idea of afterlife than many. But even if there was nothing on the other side of death, it’s preferable to me than the “much” of this world. Fuck this world. I hate 90% of the people in it.

    I used to wonder why good people died and bad people lived so well, until I found an answer that made sense to my brain. It’s a personal thing for all.

    I can’t believe you’re being questioned about the funds, then again. People. This world. All shitty. I’m sorry your good deed and will has to be twisted by others like that. Wtf.

  5. Because: Assholes
    Seriously. Some people need to be smacked in the face. With a dead frozen snapper. And a cement brick. And a barbed wired dildo. Hmm…makes an interesting concept.
    This world has gone to hell out of greed-Zoe excellent point-selfishness, assholeism (a new religion) instant gratification without working for it because all the assholes have been coddled and given participation trophies so no one feels left out. For the love of all that’s holy your sister got a great one didn’t she? Is there anyway you can divorce family based on idiocy??

  6. Stop dissing yourself for grieving your cats, you honour them with your grief and they’re worth it. Sorry meatspace is being so cuntly to you.

  7. Morgue, you’re dead right. You’ve been programmed. I heard the ‘oh, it’s just a fill-in-the-blank’ reaction. It was just a diss on me. And I was so used to getting it and hearing it that I believed it for a while. Fuck anyone who has to put you down because they don’t understand the intensity of your emotions.

    I’ve contemplated long and hard about going to the dark side, becoming a liar and thief and horrible fucking person like so many I see get ahead. I’ve even had it on offer: there was a time in my 20s I could have sold my soul and married an old man for his money. He was willing and ready to sign everything over to me in exchange for companionship for the remainder of his life, which was about 6-12 months. I couldn’t do it. I can’t be that person. I WON’T be that person. I don’t know why they get ahead. I don’t know why the rest of us get trampled. I do believe there IS a reason. And I do believe there’s a consciousness that runs through the Universe, that’s connected to everything. But that consciousness does not hear our prayers. It does not have empathy or sympathy. It simply IS, and to say we could understand it would be to say we can envision eternity or infinity. We can’t. We may get a visualization, a representation we can relate to. But it’s not accurate. What’s out there is far weirder than we could ever fucking imagine.

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