The Suckage Of Sleep Disturbance

I hit my wall last night, gave myself permission to cryptify early once I had my kid and myself fed and bathed. My mood was heading toward the gutter and there was absolutely NO trigger. The professionals carry on about identifying triggers for the mood shifts and that’s where I get baffled and irate. If there were triggers, I’d fucking avoid them or develop coping skills. When there is no trigger, what the actual fuck.

So to avoid the subterranean mood, I took a Melatonin. And waited. And waited. Just as I started to drift off… My kid declared she needed to sleep in my bed because I “lied” about getting her the benadryl she wants so she can sleep. Fine, whatever. I hate drugging my kid with that shit, but the doctor okayed melatonin for her and she wants it but since I can’t find liquid melatonin anymore…Jeesh, even my kid has sleep disturbance.

So once again I started to drift off only to be jarred by a six year old elbow to the skull. Then I had to pee. Then the cat knocked the fan out of the window.  Over and over, drift off, wake up with a jolt. I kept checking the clock on my phone, thinking I’d outsmarted myself by going full screen on my computer so I couldn’t clock watch and stress out. Ha. I woke four times between 10 and 11 p.m. I don’t think my body even knows what deep sleep is and that’s what makes you rested. After ten months of this shit, is it any wonder I am short tempered and always exhausted?

I woke and clock checked at least six more times after that. Suckage to the nth.

Least I didn’t have trouble waking up since ya know, I was never actually really asleep. Got the spawn to school, then went to take the first withdrawal from the gofundme thing to my mom. Blarghh. That whole thing is about to send me on another rant, which will surely seem insensitive given their plight and reek of sibling issues but there’s fair and smart and then there’s just plain favoritism and stupid.

The money they got from Red Cross for a new place was handed to my brother in law. Who promptly announced he’d “lost” two hundred of it and had no idea where it went. Could it be factual? Of course. I’ve lost wallets and cash and cards and…it happens, and it’s happened to me more than once. Given his history though…I’m highly suspicious. And why the fuck would you hand the cash over to the ONE person in the family who doesn’t work or even do household chores? He had a chance to get on disability for antisocial personality disorder and was too lazy to even fill out the paperwork, it was too confusing.

17 years of him being handed the keys to the kingdom without earning any of it.

On top of that, the apartment they got only has one bedroom and he and my sister decided to take it and make the two who pay 80% of the bills sleep in the living room. For fuck’s sake. Rude. I’d have put my foot down, but then again, I’d never have ended up in a mess with a man so…shiftless. My sister loves him and I try to respect that but…Arrrghhh.

And listening to my sister tell people how he fixes computers for a living, when in fact, he doesn’t earn shit and does most of it for friends who buy him soda, smokes, and pot…It’s galling. Maybe I don’t work, but my issues are legit. I’ve been to umpteen doctors, counselors, plethora of meds. I still try to get out and do stuff other than play video games on line and sleep…

To add insult to injury mom and her roommate ( brother in law’s mom) are all worried about the two of them having a home once they’re gone. Um, my sis is 36, he’s 35.No one made sure I had a home. No one supported me and my kid for 17 years. If that’s not favoritism I don’t know what is. Besides, if they do die, there goes most of my sister’s income because she gets paid by the aging council to take care of them. How will they afford a mortgage, taxes, insurance…

Then again, I’m the one who’s always had to worry over every tiny thing while they skate by. Yeah, they had a 4K tv, but were calling everyone saying they had no food. I wonder why…Downgrade your lifestyle. Like I enjoy getting dollar shampoo and dollar laundry soap. It does the job and I can manage to get what is necessity.

Love my family but still not sure how it’s possible I am fucking related to them.

Then I have brother in law and his mom questioning me why they’re not getting the full amount listed on the gofundme page. Well, gofundme takes a cut, wepay takes a cut, then my bank charges me for withdrawals, so do the goddamn math. Other than mom putting gas in my car for hauling her around on errands, I’m not getting shit out of it. Being questioned when i’m the one who started it for them is insulting as hell. Visit the page, look at the info listed for the percentages they take out.

I feel shitty for ranting cos at least I have my home (and two brand new smoke detectors with brand new batteries because now my paranoia has skyrocketed) but damn it. I struggle and live like a pauper, all my shit is used, I can’t even afford winter clothes for my kid…And they have a 2013 car and are worried about their damned cable, they’ll go nuts without cable and they need the good shampoo cos their hair feels nasty with the cheap stuff…

Again, I must have been switched at birth. It’s this shit that caused my mom’s family to basically shun her. She was crying this morning, literally, that her relatives haven’t even called to check on her. Been that way for 17 years since her and sis hooked up with that crew.

I want to feel bad. I kinda don’t.

Today’s mood isn’t bad, isn’t great. The anxiety, on the other hand, has teeth like a T-Rex and is gnawing on my innards. I am hoping, even if it brings dark depression, the season change will at least bring the anxiety down to a tolerable volume. Not even the Xanax increase has helped.

And while I am trying to find silver linings here (praying they’re not mercury) the fact is…my anhedonia is complete. I had one brief moment last night when I was bathing my kid and I watched her lathering up and singing, “Gotta wash my bootie…gotta wash my hoohoo…Gotta wash my beard” (her chin)…and it was so sweet and she is so happy and…

It’s like I said to my dad last week when we were at the burned house watching the Kindergarten kids across the street at recess. He said something about how happy they were, how they had so much energy, and I said, “Yeah, because life hasn’t beaten them down yet.”

And it’s the truth whether the sunshine spewers wanna face it or not.

I was watching this show and this teenage girl with bipolar and anxiety was trying to explain to someone her behavior and she said, “I have…all this stuff going on in my head…”

And the person she was talking to said, “We all do.”

Um…NO. Everyone has emotional turmoil, shitty personal circumstances…Those with mental illness have all that AND a wonky brain sending the wrong messages 24-7 so pardon me if I think I have a bit more on my plate than the mundanes. They’d never make it a day in my shoes.

I am contemplating mowing the lawn. The landlord is probably gonna leave a note if I don’t do it soon. Yet…My give a damn is beyond busted. It belongs on the side of a milk carton. Hell, my entire being belongs there cos it’s been MIA for so damned long.

Xanax time, I’m starting to freak out and feel overwhelmed with that gnawing T-Rex of anxiety.

Bipolar and anxiety are the exercise bike of life. Except no matter how many miles I pedal, no matter how much I sweat…I can’t lose a pound or even get healthier. I just go nowhere,  lather, rinse, repeat.



16 Responses to “The Suckage Of Sleep Disturbance”

  1. I never understand the professionals asking or asking us to track our triggers? Really normal people have triggers, bad/sad/mad things = angry mood, hurtful/upsetting things = sad mood, happy/accomplished things = happy/elevated mood,,, Bipolar, other mood disregulatory disorders DON’T have hmmm true triggers !!?! As for my give a shit (damn, fuck,,,) well their pic should be on a vodka/rum/wine bottle, that way there’ll be more of a chance of finding it! LOL

    • YESSS! Those pirates who drink before noon might be able to find it. I wanna be a pirate. With a bird on my shoulder saying “Fuck you, you assfucks.”

      Helper birds, they say what I can’t due to social programming! I’ve gotta get to work on that.

      On Mon, Sep 14, 2015 at 10:36 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


    • Couldn’t agree more. They diagnose bipolar and promptly handle it as though it’s situational depression or something. I’m always getting “what do you thing triggered this mood?” errrrr I think it was my bipolar disorder that did it……. “mhm yes could be, but let’s see if perhaps there is a reason” greaaaaat idea, because obviously I’m too nuts to know the difference, as well as having a fortune to spend on your fees.

  2. I don’t know why you haven’t gone ape shit banana’s on your bro-in-law and his mama. I’d be putting fist through the wall right beside their head, and then hanging onto that money until they could show some damn appreciation. I hate ungrateful people.

  3. Well, luciddream said what I was gonna say AND said it better. So pretend I said it, too. 😉

  4. This is fucking brilliant, though I wish it wasn’t true:

    ipolar and anxiety are the exercise bike of life. Except no matter how many miles I pedal, no matter how much I sweat…I can’t lose a pound or even get healthier. I just go nowhere, lather, rinse, repeat.

  5. I think at my next Pdoc & next therapy appointment in gonna talk like a (fuckin’) pirate → ARRGHH,,, FUCKERS!!

    • They will sit back with their notepad, fold their fingers and say, “Now why do you suppose you were triggered to think you’re a pirate…”

      I know you have a good team and all, but after awhile even the good ones seem pretty damn apathetic.

  6. Hmmmm I had forgotten about being asked about my mood and what triggered it. Or even the anxiety I was questioned about.

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