Foggy Exhausted Stability

I’d planned to hit a yard sale or two today because one had clothes in Spook’s size and this kid has no pants. The weather has turned cold fast and I am freaking out…But alas, I spent so much time running around the dish last week, I’ve hit my functionality wall. My brain is cloudy. My body and mind are exhausted.

The mood, oddly, is “stable”. I am neither up, nor down. In fact, other than feeling hazy and tired…I feel nothing. It’s sad that mood stabilizers take away the bipolar rage/tear/manic monster yet you wind up feeling flat.

Nerves are frayed, as usual. I’m buried under the housework again. My kid’s being noisy with her kid’s bop music. She’s already had a meltdown today, kicking me and hitting me, waving her fist at me. It amazes me how she switches from sweet to rage like a switch being thrown. It reminds me a lot of bipolar though in kids, it can also be a sign of ADHD. Unfortunately, the pediatrician insists the school fill out the paperwork to determine if she needs to be assessed. I guess as long as she doesn’t channel satan in their presence, I’m just making it all up.

I’ve not received a call to help with the clean up and move yet. I don’t have a pick up truck to haul and I have a kid to watch so I guess I’m not the best option. Fair enough. I offered to wash laundry, cook some hot meals, help however I can. Cramming four people into a one bedroom place (nephew is staying with his girlfriend due to the lack of space) is gonna be uncomfortable for them but a roof overhead is a roof. Not fond that it’s only a couple of streets down from me. Now I will be expected to visit more often with Spook and being in a sardine can with a hyper child is just a panic attack waiting to happen.

On a sad note…Rocky, the cat that had survived and was doing better at the vet’s clinic, had to be euthanized. He had feline HIV and herpes and his immune system was never going to be able to handle it. Sis decided to let him rest rather than suffer. I get that. Think that brought the total to nine cats and two ferrets lost.

I spent yesterday running around town for mom procuring them a storage locker. Stopped by the shop because R wanted me to call a guy about his 65 inch TV repair estimate and for whatever reason, the higher cost ones seem to say yes to me as opposed to him. Maybe because I don’t get paid, I have no stake in it. It’s their choice. No pressure cos either way, I’m gaining and losing nothing. Apathy- all the cool kids are doing it. Though Kenny says it’s because I have a “porn operator” voice that convinces them to spend the money. Ha. This week I’ve sounded like Kermit the frog after tonsil removal.

I’ve been going to several stores I normally don’t go to unless I am in that area. Mainly looking at the Halloween stuff as a way to cheer myself with “look but don’t buy” retail therapy. The supply is pathetic. Utter disappointment in the selection. My punishment for looking forward to something.

I can’t believe how flat I feel today. No emotion is worse than too much. I should feel something. I’m fond of anger cos it’s fuel. You can run on rage. Sensitivity and mooshy feelings aren’t so useful. I think I met my yearly tear quota last week anyway. I want my anger back. I have little doubt a trip into the dish of petri will return it in no time at all. Got no patience for stupid.

The new TV season will be starting soon, kinda looking forward to that. Hopefully it won’t be a total let down. I am trying to find any sliver of sunshine I can, so much bad shit has happened in the course of a week. Then I feel guilty for feeling shitty cos hey, least my house didn’t catch fire.

Maybe today’s apathy and flat affect are my brain’s way of giving me a break from feeling sad and mournful and guilty. I don’t know, this bipolar shit is a doubledecker suck bus ride from hades.

Even my writing has been affected. For awhile I was churning out focused topic specific posts. Now I am back to random drivel. But I didn’t start this blog for kudos. It was my venting, my therapy, and I only ever gave the link to one person. Every follower I have has found me on their own. So if my writing subpar, least I’m remaining true to the original intent with this spewage. It’s for me. If others relate, excellent. If not…Exit to your left, watch your step, and have a nice day.

Ok. Back to watching Sons Of Anarchy. It will drown out my kid’s bubblegum audio/video spewage. Maybe my will to clean the place up will return. Not likely, but it could happen.

Diane, we need to get to work on those hybrid helper animals. Those dishes aren’t gonna wash themselves. ā¤

7 Responses to “Foggy Exhausted Stability”

  1. I’m having the flat emotional phase, too. It feels so unnatural. I try smiling in the right places, but I really could just give a crap. There is a slight edge to it, but that’s it.

    At least your whole family won’t be smushing into your place. I’m glad things are starting to fall into some sort of order for them

  2. The flat affect must be going around. I feel the same. If anything I’m more noise sensitive. I don’t want kids in here. I want to listen to Harry Potter on CD while I do my stretches. I want to sleep and enjoy the quiet. I want I want I want…then I don’t. Effing assfuckery. I need to go to coach because of my bag…meh.
    At least your fam won’t be in your tin can invaded your already precious bubble of safety. Oh-I saw the perfect kitteh for you…if I had $65 and gas to get out there, she’d be yours. She’s the perfect mix of Abby and Arsenic and her name is Scarlet ( in my head it’s pronounced Scahlette) šŸ˜‰

  3. With such limited cramped living space, i would think your & Spook’s visiting your parents would be almost ,,, hmm,,, discouraged?! Flat apathetic shit is goin round,,, constant anxiety, suicidal ideations too,,, done,,, tired of life, want it to be over,,, not gonna sugar coat the shit & lie. Background music of my existence I guess. Hybrids are in the lab, developing prototypes for desired characteristics. It’s been a steady gloomy 2 days here, so my dishes are outside in the rain LOL. ;-*

  4. You have reminded me that I have SoA on netflix and I can start watching the backlog again now my husband has gone back to work (he’s a remote control hog and I get embarrassed if I chose something to watch that he doesn’t like. It’s part of how I invalidate myself apparently)… yes. That.
    We don’t have any Halloween stuff out in shops yet but there’s loads of Xmas stuff… Apparently there’s only one Undead Worship Cult in this town and that’s the Evangelical Christians (JC never died for realsies, right??).

  5. Yep, flat. Flat as my chest without a padded push-up bra. It sucks.

  6. Kermit the porn operator is quite a thought. Very sorry to hear about Rocky, poor boy. Fucking dds bus. I’m sending my dragon round to toast your enemies.

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