Hollow Girl

“Let It Rain….Let it rain down on me…to hide these tears I’m crying…so no one can see…” -“Let It Rain”- Warrant

The tears have subsided for now. As I was leaving today I paused by Abby and Arsenic’s graves and said hello to them. Tears beckoned again. Nuts, huh? Well, not really, after the conversation I had with my sister yesterday. She’s far more social than I am, content living in a house full of others, and yet when I said “I can’t connect with people but I can with animals, what’s that say about how I was raised?” And she said she felt the same. Our parents really did a number on us.

Yesterday was so very hard. To make it worse, I’d promised Spook a sleepover with Grandma so that left me home alone, tears pouring and dark thoughts beckoning. No matter the platitudes I feed myself, there’s this underlying sense of responsibility, as if I personally killed my cats. By being poor. By being too consumed with the inertia of depression to see what was going on around me…The dark thoughts were all consuming. They were convincing and…Well, drained as I was, and as much as I didn’t want to be around people, I agreed when Mrs. R called and invited me over. I didn’t want to be there, but I also didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings of responsibility.

I’d already told her about burying 2 cats and still when I got there and I was quiet and reserved…She asked what was wrong. Um…Losing two family members isn’t enough? Then she decided we should sit outside. In 96 degree heat with stifling humidity and my sinus issue making it damn near impossible for me to breathe…Yeah, had I wanted to sweat my ass off and pant I’d have stayed home in my sweat box. Needless to say, I stayed an hour and a half. That was my max on social niceties. Especially when R’s eldest stopped by with her brood and R and his wife were all over the granddaughter, getting her out of the truck. While the little foster boy sat there and they didn’t even greet him. I thought that was rude. I get not wanting to get attached since no idea how long he will be around but damn, talk about cold. Even in my detachment from humans, I went and opened the truck door and greeted him and patted his hand. Foster kid doesn’t mean second class citizen, ffs. (Perhaps the sweet part was when the granddaughter basically bypassed the grandparents and came running to sit by me and leaned on me-kids sense evil and they sense decency, I am telling you.)

Then I came home and I was too exhausted to even feed myself or shower. I watched some crime shows then just curled up in bed. It felt so lonely without Abby curled in the corner of my neck and Arsenic purring on the pillow next to my cheek. It seems so unfathomable that they are both gone and never coming back. I’ve been dead from the depression for so long that true loss didn’t touch me…Until now. And it probably seems like I am going overboard, “they were just cats”, but…No, they were family and losing them fucking hurts. I would rewind time and do anything to save them both but since I’ve had that damned sunshine spewage force fed for months secondhand, I also wonder if this wasn’t my wake up call. To come back to being a human and having feelings other than anger. I’m fairly certain it’s hormones, every few months  I get a pms cycle where tears just pour out uncontrollably. Least this time there was good cause.

(Feet is playing with my hair as I type and also whipping me with his bushy tail and I can barely work up a smile.)

It was weird feeling so alone and lonely last night. Shady and Pantera slept with me and Panny was on a lovey-molest fest…Yet…The place feels empty. Lonely. Sad. I spent most of the night waking up to cough, drowning in the sinus stuff. And this was with 1 mg Xanax and 1.5 mg of Melatonin, I figured I’d be comatose. Scumbag brain and sinus sleazeball had other ideas.

I normally leave Spook at mom’s until noon after a sleepover but this morning, I got up and went and got her. I need the place to feel alive, I need to be with my kid. And I have this sick feeling my asshole dad is going to decide he wants to keep her tonight and I really am not ready to be alone again. I need my normal routine, anything to distract from the dark thoughts that come with depression and loss. I wish I could drape the house in garlic and crosses and build a croc filled moat with a rope bridge, maybe deter my dad. I cannot handle him right now. I didn’t even call him yesterday to tell him about Abby and Arsenic, after the way he treated me Thursday night amidst my tears. Asshole. Still not sure if he does call if I will answer the phone. Of course, it has never stopped the impromptu inconvenient pop ins. (Like Thursday when it was so hot and I was crying and they just show up and damn it, I had to put on fucking pants in a split second cos a damned phone call is too much courtesy for him to exercise.)

To my amazement…R was actually compassionate about me losing the cats. Guess my inability to turn off the tears even for his comfort spoke volumes to my grief. Though I was out in public going here and there, tears flowing, eyes red, nose running, and not one fucker in this town asked if I was okay. No, displays of emotion mean you’re psychotic, people must look away lest you are contagious.

Fuck ’em. For months I’ve not been able to shed a tear. The dam has burst, be it grief or hormones or both. I feel like me again, the me who felt loss and grief and pain. I don’t like it but it’s natural. Feeling disconnected to every emotion but hate is…not. I’d do anything to bring Abby and Arsenic back but since that is out of my control…Feeling again isn’t without its merit.

Today I am just gonna drop out and spend time with my kid and my remaining cats. In the current heatwave, not much else is feasible since I can’t breathe and all the crying has left me without much of a voice.

I let Spook make her own marker for the kitty’s grave when we got home this morning.

spook memorial to ab and ars

And this is the shit, apparently made of pegacorn horn and wings, that costs $21 a tube for ONE teaspoon full of “medication.”

advantage

Perhaps I will do one of those petitions against the company that makes Frontline flea medication for animals. $21 a tube is ridiculous. And people who can’t afford it are considered irresponsible pet owners. Makes me wonder if big pharma runs pet medication divisions, too. Had it been affordable or discounted…I can’t even bear to think about it, but this week could have had a very different, less morose ending. Unfuckingbelievable. Feed your kid or treat your pets for fleas. No matter what you choose, you’re an irresponsible something or other.

I did my best with the hand of cards I was dealt. I have a good heart. Were my brain so big. I still feel defeated.

Now…I am gonna stop before the waterworks start again.

 

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9 Responses to “Hollow Girl”

  1. Munchkin used to cost me $100 in preventive care and food. $35 pet health insurance, $30 fleas / tick med, $12 heart worm, $15 food, $12 grooming, and maybe a bag of treats. We found way cheaper fleas control online that works ($15 for 4 months) and had to forego the heart worm (which makes me a monster) and do the grooming ourselves with an uncooperative dog. It all adds up. That’s $100 out of $700 disability check, which left me unable to afford food much for myself. In this country, you can’t have a pet if you’re poor. You’re not human if you’re poor. You’re not allowed to have pets, eat cake, or compassion. You’re scum who wants to be poor because you’re fucking lazy and everything bad that happens is your fault.

    That’s how they see us. That’s how they will judge us until we die. And that’s why the world makes me fucking homicidal. Don’t even bother boycotting. People will just say it’s your fault you can’t afford something so cheap ($21 means nothing to the fucking assholes) and to get rid of so many pets you can’t afford to take care of properly. The level of just — what do I call that — I have no words. But all those fuckers. I want them in a pile of ashes. I can’t stand the world. I can’t wait to leave it.

  2. I have had a few friends comment on the loss of the cats and how they feel like crying too. You are not alone in your grief. I hate to see an animal die, any animal unless it is about to eat me for dinner. ❤

  3. I shared the petition on my FB, so hopefully it’ll get a few signatures. I signed it with my legal US address because for some reason, my brain thought that was the right one for the petition. And cats are totally family members. Screw anyone who says otherwise. I can’t cry for people dying really, but I’ll sob for cats.

    • Thanks a bunch. I am trying to avoid being forced into using social media personally, though I have no scruples if other people want to use it to benefit my agenda. Kind of warped, but yeah…tears for pets, they deserve the attention.

      On Sat, Sep 5, 2015 at 12:13 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  4. Spook did a wonderful job on their marker. Love it. We are in a constant no-win situation because we aren’t “normal” or “socially acceptable”. Fuck those fuckers. We know you loved your fur babies and it’s a fucking shame to choose between kid or cats. I had too with May-work and pay daycare or work and get her fixed, chipped, vaccinated, groomed, food..no-win. Love you lots and lots. Hugs to you and Spook-and I’m sending you the willpower to tell your dad to fuck off 😉

  5. For lack of better words & (ditto) that I agree with Tessa, Sass, Zoe & Raeyn, I am sad, ;'( it’s hard losing a furry kid(s). Love & BIG hugs! ❤

  6. You have every right to grieve for your kitties, they were part of your family. I feel the same way about my cats and dogs. They are my children. I am really sorry for your loss. A lot of times you can find the flea medication cheaper online rather than $21 a dose. I have heard of some people buying a large dog one and using it for several cats to save on costs.

    • I am going to look at other options. I saw how fast it hit Abby and Arsenic and panicked, grabbing what was available here and now rather than waiting for delivery.
      That bought me a month for these guys being treated so I can look around.

  7. It’s really just terrible how expensive it is to keep an animal healthy. I signed and shared the petition. ❤

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