Deflated, Defeated, and Disgusted

Days like today serve to remind me why I so loathe and reject the sunshine spewers. That way may work for them but the instant I let myself feel joy, relief, like there was hope…

I get smacked down with a whole new plethora of issues.

I was on cloud nine after hearing Abby had survived the night and was responding well to treatment. I even put on eyeliner, because after a sleepless night bawling and bargaining my life for hers with a God I don’t even believe in because I’ve been offered so little to even spawn a modicum of faith…It felt like for once my prayers had been answered.

I waited and waited for three hours for the promised call from the vet’s office. My panic was paralyzing, figuring if they hadn’t called, it must be bad news. I wanna know. I can’t stand to know. Back and forth. I finally broke down (good thing cos the doctor wasn’t even in today to call me as promised and the office staff didn’t even think to do it, ffs.) Hearing good news and that my balance was within what I could repay to R…I was ecstatic and ready to punch myself for being so negative…

THEN I went to see Abby at lunch. They let me hold her, walk around, talk to her. I was so happy, so filled with love and joy and relief…She looks pretty rough and is still weak, but she knew her momma and she purred…

Then came the kick in the gut.

“The doctor plans on keeping her several more days, she needs surgery for the abscess but she’s not strong enough to survive it right now.”

Then came the estimate which is about two and a half times the initial quote and what the fundraiser gathered. I was incensed, because the woman I spoke with this morning said NOTHING of surgery. She told me Abby was healing and the doctor would give a yay or nay on sending her home tomorrow. Now I’m looking at five days of shelter and surgery and…

WHY WHY WHY? If they’d seen her last week when I begged them to it wouldn’t have gotten so bad this was even needed. What the fucking hell motherfuckers?

R said he won’t allow the charges to his card to exceed what I have gathered which means…if I don’t find a way to come up with the full bill, they’re not gonna give my cat back to me. I don’t know how that is even legal, I left the hospital with a human baby and still owing money, ffs.

Just so fucking frustrating to be fed one story then another and never know what the goddamn reality is. I want Abby healthy and home and I thought I’d managed that with so much kindness from others…Now this dickhead doctor, after giving one quote yet knowing the situation was this dire, gives me an even bigger total. Livid doesn’t begin to describe it and frankly, I’m starting to feel like a low life for even doing the fundraiser. Because the vet gives me one quote, then they change it, then they change it again, then they jack it up…And who looks like a flaky asshole? Right, me, the one who simply wants to keep a beloved family member alive. FUCK.

To make matters so much worse…I returned home to find Arsenic has, in less than 18 hours, gone down the drain. This kitten was up and about yesterday, climbing, yowling, stealing food right out of my hand, so bright eyed and alert…And overnight, he’s now knocking on death’s door. (Exactly how it happened with all his siblings, which makes me wonder if it was due to them being a first litter and sibling inbred at that.)  I just don’t get it. I’ve given him vitamin drops, I scrubbed him with Dawn and picked every flea carcass off with tweezers. I’ve done everything to keep this cat alive.

It makes me wonder if this is the balance- Abby lives, Arsenic dies. Voodoo vanishes, Willow returns after three weeks MIA only now she barely wants anything to do with us.

My life is unstable enough without all this shit. I am so sick of opening myself up only to get my heart smashed.

Optimism make work for some people.

For me, it’s like deliberately choosing to walk a tightrope with poor balance and no net. The tiniest thing can tip me over and SPLAT. Today proved that. Beyond doubt. I dared to sing the praises of happiness and shiny things only to have life backhand me with a concrete fist.

Rather than carry on about it anymore…I am ceding defeat. I am exhausted after being up all night worrying about Abby. I feel foolish for ever letting that shiny happy bullshit into my vicinity because it has caused more damage than good. Reality isn’t shiny or happy most of the time.

Bedtime. Fuck it. Arsenic is dying. Abby is alive. And I’m soo financially screwed it ceases to even be par for the course. All because I dared to be optimistic, to have faith, to feel joy. If I’d just kept my healthy cynicism and wariness I wouldn’t be going down this rabbit hole.

Damn it all to hell.

This is the pic I snapped of Abby when I saw her today. I gotta hold onto that much though if the doctor holds her hostage over money…This could well be my breaking point. It ain’t gonna be pretty because this shitty year has rendered me barely human.

09-02-15_Abby at vet

The green is her abscess wound bandage. She looks rough but damn…she’s got spirit. She deserves a better human than me.

Oh, damn it, tears again…Stupid hormones and emotional attachments…Once again, thinking of that ending scene in Heathers…Blow it all the fuck up, light a smoke, and walk away.

Shiny happy, Morgue style.


33 Responses to “Deflated, Defeated, and Disgusted”

  1. I am so sorry. Hugs. I don’t know what to say!

  2. Love you Morgue and Spook ❤

  3. I am so so sorry about this setback. Have you tried some of the organizations that help pay Vet Bills? Here are a couple of links that may be able to help: and here’s another one:

  4. I want to say something here in the comments: VETS DO THIS SHIT ALL THE FUCKING TIME. When I went in with Tsuki they told me that it would be one price and once the day of the surgery came (which was an emergency surgery) they told me I needed to pay $240 upfront because the grant I got fell short from $240. I didn’t know that. It was thrown at me when I walked into surgery with a shaking dog who they told me would probably NOT survive it all because of her heart murmur.

    Most recently, a friend of mine had a medical emergency with her dog. He needed a surgery too, but first he required a blood transfusion and $3000 upfront for the hospitalization / stabilization. They saw her pay stubs, her good credit, her ability to pay the fucking sum, and they still wouldn’t give her dog the transfusion until she had the cash.

    The dog died before she could get a pay advance.

    It makes me sick to my stomach that this is the kind of fucked up world we live in. It makes me downright livid. I can’t believe that they are doing this to you. I know this may sound extreme, but… is there like a local news station or something that could cover your story? Sometimes getting it out on TV is far more helpful. And vets suddenly find their “charitable” heart because the whole town is looking at their ass fuckery.

    • Good idea, Zoe.

    • Agree, that was my initial thought as well, concerning the bus trip. It’s worth a try to use the local media, with your whole story perhaps! The vet, AND the fucking school bus not giving you a break. If you prepare yourself for failure at least you have nothing to lose :/

      • “Cautious optimism” is what my old/best counselor ever taught me. Look for the silver lining, but prepare yourself just in case it’s not there. I find a zillion times more worthwhile and healthy for me than blind optimism.
        And FYI, I hand delivered, to the superintendent’s office, today, a well worded letter as well as a copy of two various routes from our door to the school’s door via Mapquest showing we DO meet that 1.5 mile requirement.
        When, or IF, he gets back to me, I am sure the excuse will be a laugh riot. Which I will post, of course.
        Dumbassery deserves no anonymity.

      • I relate to Cautious Optimism. In fact, I think mine goes further and I stop at “right here, right now, this is good”. I have no illusions tomorrow may not become a nightmare again. The bonus is, I have lived nightmares, and I came through, so if it happens, beh, it happens.
        I hope it goes further for you. The English here are also bloody close minded and if they say no to something it will stay no. I have had no qualms about breaking down in tears in public offices. But sometimes, even just the threat of advertising their bloodymindedness to everybody has made them budge.
        If he does not reply try telling him after a few days that you will bring it to the local news or radio and see what public opinion thinks. You have nothing to lose. Same as with little Abby. You may be right, maybe Arsenic has to succumb for her to live, sometimes things happen like that. But Abby is yours, she’s a symbol now, of your fight to get the help you deserve with your daughter, and your life. You are coping with so much, I really really admire you x

  5. I have read, but not commented on your other posts about Abby. It hurts me too deeply; I am not yet over the wound of losing my Sable. Just wanted to let you know how sad I am for you. Very hard for me to read your blogs right now…

    • I am truly sorry my current posts open your wounds. I really wouldn’t wish this level of pain on my worst enemy, but then, they wouldn’t have enough of a soul to be so hurt.
      At least you have a soul. Your pet was very lucky to be so loved.

      • Of course you didn’t mean to open my wounds. It’s was the bleeping universe again, I’m sure. This time it’s wrong; I’m not ready to go back there. You and Abby have all my best wishes…

  6. I’m so sorry, nothing I say will convey how I feel except I £0¥€ you Sissy

  7. It’s times like this that I wish I were rich and could just sling a credit card over on your behalf for this kitty. It breaks my heart to read this. I hate fucking money hungry assholes. Like, can’t this vet just do this one surgery on his dime? It’s not like they don’t have money. Fuckers.

    • Most ridiculous of all is they have my friend’s credit card number/exp date/security code, all on file, all charged up front for the initial care, and okayed up to five hundred dollars (at which point they should call first.) Him treating me the way he did was plain wrong. My friend is fronting the money because he saw the campaign and how generous people are being so he knows he will get it back.
      I can’t help but sort of feel bullied by this vet, ya know?

  8. WHAT??? I know I’m naturally suspicious (I have paranoia sometimes) but I’m starting to wonder if this vet is doing this on purpose – constantly inflating and inflating the bill until you can’t pay any more, pushing you to breaking point so you have no choice but to surrender the cat in order to be a “good pet owner.” Can you ask for your cat to be returned after the last set of treatment and get her to another vets for any additional surgery? There must be a right to get a second opinion, right? If they’re not going to come out and say anything to you, I’d push back at them. Also (if I was feeling really pushy) I’d demand a fully itemized quote and I’d ask them to rationalize Every. Single. Expense with an explanation as to why each thing has been necessary, because they are taking the piss. I want to go to your vets and get your cat for you (and possibly punch them on your behalf). How can they do this??? I’m so sorry to hear about Arsenic, too. I wish I knew how to make this all better.

    • It never occurred to me til reading your comment that he might be doing this on purpose. It seem so sociopathic and dramatic to even consider it. Yet after hearing others’ stories…I’m scared for Abby. Seems this jackass would rather put them down than help them if the owner’s bank balance isn’t impressive enough.
      Shame, his father was never that way when he ran the place.

      • As an optimistic pessimist, I have to assume the worst then (when I’m not depressed) think the best so that I’m pleasantly surprised if it all turns out ok. I’d like to say “I’m sure he’s a really good vet and isn’t out for what he can get” but it doesn’t sound that way. I am rooting for you all the way.

      • Now that my paranoia has been spiked by hearing how shitty he was to my sis and stepmonster…It’s Abby I am rooting for. With my luck, he’s some angel of cat death. And would still want full payment even if he caused her death.
        Pray to the clam god spaghetti monster satanic pegacorn brigade he’s better to her than he was to me.

  9. (by “get her to another vets” I mean, if it’s really necessary, because at this point you’ve just got this douche of a vet’s word about it all and he sounds like he’s got an agenda).

    • I went in to see her this morning and the vet sat down and talked to me. He “suggested” I sign her over and she would be treated and placed with a “better” home. Yeah, he said that, then lectured me on how owning a pet is a responsibility and that comes along with healthcare costs. I was bawling and here he was, spewing this shit at me. He said she has a slight chance but it’s going to become cost prohibitive at one point and I have bad credit with them due to a sixty dollar charge off the years ago,which I actually went in and paid after the fact. I have always used this clinic, they were nice. Now they’re assholes. But he won’t let me take her home because she’s so weak and if I bring her to my home where there are apparently fleas, it will kill her. I don’t know what to do, I told him to just keep treating her, see if she builds up strength to survive the surgery. THEN I may try this out of town vet my sister and stepmonster use, he’s supposedly reasonable and doesn’t suggest putting them down even when deathly ill. It’s just a trip out of town adding to the bill that kept me in town. Frustrating. If Abby is still fighting, then I am gonna keep fighting for her.And this vet need to die in a fucking fire for making me cry even more when I already feel like shit.

      On Thu, Sep 3, 2015 at 8:42 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Grah it sounds so frustrating and soul-destroying. I hope he stops being shitty and I hope she gets stronger soon so you can take her elsewhere.

      • Unlikely he will be less shitty I’ve had my sis and stepmonster both tell me he treated them the same because they didn’t have the money on command. Seems he’s an ass whereas the place used to be run by his dad who was a sweetheart. Wish I’d gotten the memo, I’d never have taken sweet Abby to such a dick had I known.

      • Damn what an awful way to find out. I hope Abby is going to be ok. Am away in London from tomorrow until Monday night, so I will have to find out how this all turns out on Monday evening. I know I’m super hypomanic atm (I can’t start my meds until I get back from London in case they knock me out) and I’m sorry if I’m being too bouncy/optimistic, but I do really hope this all resolves itself and that Abby and Arsenic both pull through. Nobody needs this sort of thing in their lives.

      • Tis okay, I’ve had to take two week leaves from jobs before because of the never knowing how you’ll react to the meds…Tis fine. Have a good weekend 🙂

  10. You are neither a low-life nor a flake. This is how healthcare always pans out, pets or humans. I’m sorry this is happening and keeping my fingers crossed that Abby is okay and you get all the funding you need.

    • This gofundme thing for Abby is giving me ideas about how desperately we need to have an emergency pet fund available to people who want to do right but can’t cough up hundreds on command.
      Speaking up for animals who can’t really do it themselves seems like admirable goal, I am gonna mull on it after Abby comes home. I know it’s touch and go, but for months I’ve had optimism shoved down my throat so I’m gonna try that even if it comes off as denial.
      Abby IS gonna come home. Ohhmmmm, calm peaceful positive thoughts….

  11. […] PLEASE check out MorgueticiaAtoms’s GoFundMe fundraiser if you haven’t already.  She has a very sick cat who is at the vets, the link to fund it is here and the latest update (at time of posting) is here. […]

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