The Shrink Cycle

There was a major war with my kid this morning. All over a t-shirt. The one she picked was small and showed her belly when she lifted her arms, a no no at school. So I told her t change shirts. Off to bloody races we went.She screamed, bawled, called me stupid over and over. I finally found a shirt and told her to put it on. She did. Seemed like she was going to calm down. Then she ripped the shirt off, threw it at me, and burst into another round of “you’re stupid”. So I went to physically grasp her with a hand behind her back since she was leaned against her bed and what does she do? She throws her weight back against me so she lands hard against the heavy bed frame and my hand and starts screaming ‘I’M TELLING THE SCHOOL YOU ABUSED ME!”

Yeah, it was that kind of morning. Then she launched into panic about being late but she was the one still having a tantrum and I wasn’t about to take her to school like that, nor drive with her acting that way. Eventually got her there, walked her to the office just in case she was late. She wasn’t. Now I’m just waiting for protective services to show up. She had me in  fucking tears.

I made the mistake of going to the shop to lean on my “friend”, ya know, R,  the preaching “I raised three kids and they all turned out successful.” I asked for his advice. He said nothing. I asked again. Again, he said nothing but shrugged. Yet when he’s here, he’s got all sorts of ideas on how to parent “right.” What the fuck? I need some comfort and guidance, he’s got nothing. I want him to butt out, he can’t shut up.

Suffice it to say, between her, him, and up and down all night with the itchy skin and the drowning in sinus drainage…By the time I hit the shrink’s office…I burst into tears. I was just that beaten down. He asked me how things are. I asked, “You want the truth or you want the glossed over version?” He said truth. And so I started to pour it all out.

He listened. Twenty whole minutes. He suggested I get Spook in at the counseling place and they’d determine if she needs meds for the aggressive outbursts. Bad side- guess who is their staff child psychologist? If you guessed R’s know it all daughter, you win what’s behind door number two. This woman has been uber critical of me at every social event where Spook and I were there on a personal level. This is a woman who spanked her baby at four months old. But she’s got the fancy master’s degree and…Seriously, this is my option? She’s got so many anger issues of her own, it’s like taking Dahmer to be treated for cannibalism by a tribe who practices it as a lifestyle. FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I mentioned this conflict and he said I could always ask for D, specifically, who is a counselor rather than psychologist, but there’s no guarantee I’d get her. It’s food for thought.

I told him about my lack of family support. How worn down I am and I wasn’t this bad last year in spite a ton of stuff that was going wrong in my life. He mentioned an outpatient program in another town. Yeah, ‘cos I can get a sitter, and afford to drive fifty miles a day for four weeks. It’s a lovely notion but not feasible at this time.

He raised my Cymbalta to 120 a day, left everything else the same. Even the Restoril which I explained I couldn’t really take, but that went in one ear and out the other. I mentioned the disability review and he was pretty confident that while I would have to see a doctor of their choosing, he has well documented my problems and that they won’t cut me off. Ha. He doesn’t know how the system works. Still, it’s nice to know he sides with me cos I really am in sucky shape.

THEN because it was really a thorn in my paw, I lamented all the shiny happy spewage out there regarding mental illness that results in more stigma and makes us feel worse. Like 12 Step Programs for Mental Health. Cos basically a 12 step program is admitting you’ve done something wrong. Even he agreed it’s a disservice because none of us asked for this. He made the point that if we had a VISIBLE illness, things would be very different. But only those who suffer, are with someone who suffers, or treats someone who suffers, can understand the devastating toll and just how real it is. He said it’s wrong to boil it all down to positive attitude.

By the time I left, I wanted to do a cartwheel. FINALLY a professional who saw my outrage for what it was rather than calling it pessimism. Seriously, a 12 step program for mental illness? What have we done wrong to need such a thing? Sure, our bad behaviors during certain cycles must be rectified, but it’s not like we ever set out to be evil or destructive so WHY A 12 PROGRAM FOR SOMETHING WE DIDN’T CHOOSE? It’s mind boggling how much of this shit is floating around out there. Makes me wonder how many seriously mentally ill people read how Biff and Buffy simply changed their outlook and dressed nicer and they were all cured, so the sick person killed themselves. Sound dramatic? It’s really not. Much like fat shaming, especially by those who used to be heavy, shaming the mentally ill is wrong. Most of these sunshine spewers don’t even have a long history of suffering so I imagine it was far easier for them to make some changes and come out shiny and happy.

It just angers me to have such a real battle so trivialized, and to have it out there where some depressed kid might see it, decide it’s fact rather than opinion, and give up on themselves to a drastic end result.

Aside from him setting the next appt for two months and blowing off the seasonal with the light therapy thing…It was an ok appointment. I didn’t have my list, of course, because of Spook’s fit preventing me from running to print it out. But I think crumbling before his eyes was more telling. I didn’t plan it that way, because if you cry, you’re attention seeking, unstable, too emotional. You know how we get blamed for having emotions,letting alone letting them out. Today it all just boiled over. And he didn’t lambaste me for admitting things are pretty bad.

Which just proves…Opinions are like assholes- everyone has one and they all stink. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t make it true. Disclaimers should have to be included on shiny happy posts same as triggering posts. Cos shiny happy is skull and crossbones biohazard toxic to me and I will no longer be reading them.

If this offends any shiny happy people, too bad. I am deeply offended by you posting in mental health then deducing it all to prayer and positive attitude. We don’t have to agree but I no more expect you to read my downtrodden posts that bring you down, so I won’t feel bad for avoiding the shiny happy stuff when I am down and out.

I may write depressing things but that’s because I HAVE DEPRESSION. I may be a negative bitch, but I am okay with that.

Least it’s truthful.

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8 Responses to “The Shrink Cycle”

  1. Ah, raising of children is something to reckon with. I don’t agree with spanking your kid at 4 months old, but I do agree with a nice ol’ fashioned ass-whoopin when need be, once they hit around two or three years old; old enough to know cause and effect.

    If she rips her shirt off and calls you stupid, bust that ass with your hand. If she screams at you and says she’s going to tell the school you abused her, bust her ass again and call her bluff. Tell her what happens to children that get taken away from their parents. Tell her about the foster system. Put the fear in her little butt and she’ll start respecting you.

    There are too many people in the world that disrespect us. My child isn’t going to be one of them. Mine is eleven now, and I started putting hand-to-ass when she was three. Other than a few temper tantrums as a toddler, I’ve never had any trouble out of her. Teenager years are going to be something different, though. *sighs*

  2. Really, I would tell ms. Spook like I’ve told Nikki & my Mom told my youngest sister (I didn’t yell like that at my Mom) fine, tell the school I’m beating you, I’ll tell em. You know what’ll happen, they’ll take you away to someone you don’t know & you won’t see me anymore,,, if that’s what you want, go ahead & tell em if you wanna be a smarty pants brat. It’s hard to say “Well my kid,,,” or “I’d do,,,”. This is just what worked for me so I understand its not a answer for everyone, so take me with a grain of salt LOL ❤ & that 12 Step bullshit? I read it & was like well fuck me!? I why didn't I think of that!! Anyway £0¥€ ya Sissy, be easy on yourself, get ahold of me if you need to. ;-*

  3. Thank God the shrink listened! With all the other bullshit that went on today, and has been going on, it had to be at least a slight relief that at least he saw you really are having a hard time. It’s terrible to be invalidated at every time…I’m looking at you shiny happy people.

  4. I passed on 12 Step thing. I just read that and was OMFG REALLY?! Nope.
    I’m glad the shrink really listened, but I am so sorry that you had to have WWlll before hand. I agree with others and telling Spook about the foster care and what not. I’ve done it to mine. I got “I hate you” in the grocery store VERY loudly. I said “Fine. Go home with someone else and see how much better they treat you. You may get lucky and they’ll be nicer, or you may not and you’ll get the meanest parents ever.” I heard 2 sets of feet running towards me, the grocery cart and the exit.
    I know you are overwhelmed and stressed, just know we are here. I don’t think you’re depressing-you’re honest about life. That’s real and that’s WAY better than all the shiny happy harpies out there. Love you VF Sissy!!

    • I tried talking to her after pick up today and tossed out the foster family scenario, pointing out they could be nicer than me OR they might make her do all sorts of chores and not let her have candy or toys…And she says, “What kind of work will they make me do?” Nothing really touches this kid, makes me wonder if sociopathy runs on her dad’s side. He never had much grasp for anyone’s viewpoint but his own, either. I am here and trying, at least. There is peace for the moment. Shall see how long it lasts.

      On Mon, Aug 31, 2015 at 4:18 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Ah sounds like my kids’ dad as well. Zero emotional anything. You are trying and I am damn proud of you. If need be, I’ll come take your place and you can run away for a week 🙂

  5. Seen tantrums, dealt with them, the positive side affect of been emotionally dead or plain depressed is that I can coldly stare pure uncaring style and play the villain with ease…. Other side affects include anti-social skills, lack of caring, repression and sucicidal thoughts!

    As for ‘step’ programs or strategies… My fucked up nature adapts and overcomes and basically renders them useless, although I might develop a 5 Step program to make shiny types clinically depressed, lonely and Borderline insane, give them some idea

    I’d preach disapline tactics, controlling mood swings etc but I always think of my own hatred of folks telling me how its done, and making me feel bad about not fluffing and softening stuff, so I figure you got a deal and that works for you and leave it

    Going to spike the happy punch with mood destabilizers and watch the world go crazy, if only in my dreams! But it’ll make my twisted sense of humour laugh

  6. yeah, I got nothin. kids are little people without life-experience, common sense, or built-in or trained-in coping mechanisms, and some days we kids can’t handle our shit. when that happens, I just need to be loved and understood. my wife thinks I’m bat shit half the time or more, and my kids know it for a fact. they all hate my tantrums almost as much as I hate theirs. sometimes I’ll take charge, when it’s necessary for safety or in the interest of timing events, but mostly I’ll just be there for them and pray they’re there for me when I need them. responsibility is a bitch whore who demands to be serviced on schedule, and I hate having to deal with it all the time, especially when I just want to shut down and tell everyone to fuck off. Good luck. I know you love her and that’s what matters, and that’s also what makes you awesome. Keep it up best you can.

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