Broke, Broken, Bent

I got my kid to school without swearing once. Though I did panic for a moment as this big ass tree service truck rounded the corner and came within three inches of my fender. I’m so glad I didn’t have to get out of the car. I wore pants, but Spook “improved” me by putting pink mardi gras beads and an Anna pink headband on me. PINK. She may as well have kneecapped me. The things I do for my kid…

I did all my dish errands yesterday, including a trip to Aldi, returned my sister’s pet taxi, went to the shop just to read his email to him so he’d know he was getting refunded for the hacked account. I picked my kid up with relative ease cos I parked half a block a way and walked to get her and because I parked so far away, I didn’t hit the mass exodus traffic. I am so disgusted with them not letting her ride the bus over that two tenths of a mile, such bullshit. Yet last year when she was eligible, all it took was them losing her once cos of all the bus changes and I was adamant about taking her every single day, gas money be damned. I guess it’s that exclusionary thing, being told the option isn’t there for her. I was looking forward to saving some money, especially since the state didn’t get a grant to do the summer cooling program so all that’s been on me.

Ya know, I listen to people talk about being broke (R) but I wonder if some of them truly know what broke is. I needed a cart at Aldi yesterday and had to go digging through my car seat just to find a fucking quarter cos I had two nickels and a dime in my purse. By law, I’m basically a vagrant, cos the old law on the book says you must have a dollar in your pocket at all times. Rarely enforced, but still…There’s “woe is me, I only have four grand in the bank” and then there’s “I can’t even afford to borrow a shopping cart”.

And yeah, yeah, get a job, blah blah blah. If I were the same person more than one day in a row, it’d be a lot easier. Hell, I haven’t heard a word from P about doing the buddy shopping day. I am wondering if perhaps I was too candid about my anxiety and depressions. (I didn’t use the word bipolar, the stigma terrifies people.) Guess tossing out, “Some days I am useless” was a bad choice of words. No one wants an unreliable friend who is their ride to do their errands. Oh, well, honesty is the best policy even when it fucks you over.

I was watching a show (true crime) and it had a murder victim, she’d called 911 screaming that someone was chasing her and trying to kill her. This stupid D.A. kept coming on screen, repeating, “She wasn’t being rational and she had bipolar disorder, so we didn’t take the call seriously.” Um…First, if someone is chasing you, screaming irrationally out of terror seems pretty fucking rational to me. Second, STOP BLAMING EVERY DAMNED THING ON BIPOLAR. “Well, you use it as an excuse for your bad behavior.” Um, no. It is an explanation for when my behavior is altered and outside my usual, not an excuse. Fuckheads.

Oh, then there was another one where the guy had paranoid personality disorder and he explained his behavior and lack of trust by admitting to it.And all the cops and lawyers kept saying, “If you think everyone treats you badly and they are the problem but you’re the only common factor…” UNLESS having a mental disorder has lead to you being stigmatized and mistreated all your life in which case, mistrust seems pretty fucking appropriate.

R stopped by last night to drop something off and informed me he had to go. His eldest daughter’s best friend died. 27 year old girl, no known health problems, and she was found in her bed dead. Kind of makes me feel like an ungrateful brat for not relishing every moment of life. It can go away that quick. And inevitably came the pondering, “Why kill of a person who savors life and functions highly and has so many who love her…Yet leave a husk of a human like me alive?” It’s not defeatist or woe is me. It’s logical. Kind of like when I wonder why deadbeat parents aren’t just smote off the planet. Or pedophiles or rapists. Niiice, that I equate myself with that lot. I know I am a step above being that evil but the mundanes have so brainwashed me into feeling useless..Eventually lies start to sound like the truth.

I hit a very big low yesterday during the evening. I wanted to cryptify by 5 p.m. By then my kid had thrown several screaming fits, taken swings at me, mouthed off…And yes, I disciplined her with all the popular methods. It simply doesn’t work when she gets that way. It drains me, makes me feel defeated. I just sank into this depression where everything seemed pointless. I used to instill respect in kids, they minded me because I was fun and they respected me. Now I’m such a husk, I can’t even get my own kid to respect me. Probably because I’m not any fun, not worthy of respect. I feel like body snatchers stole the old me who had signs of life and replaced her with this…joyless husk. And I can pinpoint precisely when it started. After the nardil reaction and the time in the hospital. Nothing’s been the same since then. And maybe the mood stabilizers quash what it was that made me fun and made me want to live. But what’s the alternative? Rack up another arrest for something stupid and out of character so it can haunt me like the other one does? Few more fly by night manic sexcapades? Screaming and bawling and throwing things?

Frustrating trade off and definitely a flaw in bipolar treatment. One should never have to sacrifice joy and creativity and zest for life simply to avoid being a monster.

I’m feeling the hypomanic buzz from the morning meds but truthfully…I’m pretty desolate. At least this is real life problems and not just some bipolar artifact. My cats have no food, I am out of litter, the car is getting low on gas again because what R put in was pretty much spent running his errands yesterday. I still haven’t mowed the lawn and feel shitty about it but I can’t seem to work myself up to it. The Halloween stuff is coming out and I can’t afford even dollar shit. I like looking but sometimes you find something sooo awesome that not being able to buy it actually causes you pain. It sounds silly, I know, but they only sell the sort of thing I like at one time of the year. If I can’t get it now, I have to wait another year. By which time  I could be on a lockdown ward for all I know.

The anxiety hasn’t bubbled over yet. Yesterday it was pretty bad. I can never see it coming, can never know what will trigger it as there are no triggers at times. Much like the mood dips…Since the Cymbalta I haven’t been cryptifying at 6 p.m. and that is an improvement. Yet I still don’t feel great. I can’t explain it. I just feel like a husk and joy is this big question mark. Anhedonia sucks.

So…I guess I will watch some more crime shows and maybe the will to do something will surprise me. A ghoul can hope.

A couple of my philosophies, provided by Diane.

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5 Responses to “Broke, Broken, Bent”

  1. Broke, Yep you got a partner here (grew up in the destitute bracket). I was bringing home about $1,800/2 wks from 1995-2012 besides Kenny’s check. Since then I’ve been unemployed with no income (TRYING for SSD → SUX!). My Mommy (almost 72 y/o) pays my rent & utilities ($375) I hate her paying she’s older & shouldn’t so it. 😦 I love my Momma! I have $25 & change in bank. Thank God PA doesn’t have that Vagrant law,,, So you & I definitely know what broke/poor is. Screw those whiney jerks!! I sooo think that’s unfair about the school bus shit!!!

  2. I was watching Good Morning America this morning with hubby and MIL. There was a story about a study that indicates that sarcasm makes you more creative. So, you can watch Modern Family and then be more creative. I yelled (eh…said loudly) that it was ridiculous that this study was done and people with bipolar disorder can’t even get a reliable fucking medicine that works without making us feel like shit. And…the room emptied. Fuck ’em all

  3. I only have a dollar. Actually I think I managed to save $3. I have to choose if I want to save up more for toilet paper or a new tooth brush that DOES NOT brush my enamel off.

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