Panxious Polly

In spite of a Xanax and being home alone in relative peace…My panxiety is off the charts. I’m not sure why but pretzel gut has me tied to the bathroom. And no, I don’t want to overshare, but I do want to demonstrate just how bad the anxiety gets when it manifests physically. And it’s an even bigger problem when you have to venture into the dish, go to a job, or socialize.

There is zero reason for this level of anxiety when home in my bubble without too much noise. Yet here it is. I can’t focus, my gut is twisting, I am breaking out in hives, my hands are shaky. The little mind tricks ain’t working. There ain’t a stop sign big enough to quash this shit.

It makes me wonder if it’s because I know I have to brave people and traffic palooza to pick my kid up later. In which case, it’s gonna be a long agonizing school year. Because my life isn’t agonizing enough with the normal anxiety, I totally need even more. Wondering if the shrink would write me a note stating I need to pick her up in a more secluded area because this is detrimental to my mental and physical help. I know Dr M was awesome enough she’d have done it. This guy…Doubtful.

I’ve tried mindless busywork in an effort to distract. It ain’t working. If anything, when I move around, I get more paranoid, as if I am a moving target. I can be mindful and apply logic til the cows come home…It isn’t helping. I am loathe to take another Xanax, that just makes me too lethargic. (Makes me wonder how I functioned all those years on 3mg a day.)

I need to go to the grocery store. I need to mow the lawn. I need to do a lot of shit and the anxiety is pretty much got me tethered.

Ya know, standing on the outside looking in, the whole panic/anxiety/paranoia thing probably does seem silly to those without it. On the inside…It’s not silly, it’s called my daily existence.

I don’t think I should be called negative for calling it like it is- anxiety sucks. Period.

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5 Responses to “Panxious Polly”

  1. You’re not negative for saying that anxiety sucks. It’s realism. Anxiety sucks. Anyone who says otherwise has never had real full on clinical anxiety. I have a gigantic family size bottle of Imodium in the medicine cabinet next to the family size bottle of advil for the inevitable tension headache.

  2. Just Plain Ol' Vic Says:

    Ever try meditation or breathing exercises?

    • Those, aromatherapy, sound therapy, color therapy, hypnosis, chakra alignment…During the worst of the panic nothing really works.
      But the breathing, picturing a stop sign, and counting backwards in odds from a thousand does help me get to sleep sometimes. I’ll take whatever win I can get.

      • Just Plain Ol' Vic Says:

        For me it has always been controlling my breathing, doing it a specific way each time.

  3. 😦 Sad to hear it’s so bad for you. A suggestion as well: let your eyes close and your ‘mental cinema’ begin. Let the pictures, the images come to mind. Don’t try to control what’s on the screen. Just make the screen a little smaller. Then a little smaller still. Keep going until it’s a tiny little dot. That’s a visualization technique that’s worked for me. Hope it helps.

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