Dalek

dalekOkay, so this reference will be lost on those who are not familiar with Dr. Who. Whatever. It’s how I am feeling. Why? Oh, right. PEOPLE.

Yesterday (we will get to that later in the rant) after I taxed myself to the max with the dish “I am perfectly functional” performance…I decided to do “self therapy” and push myself even further. ‘Cos all I wanted was to curl up in a fetal ball. Instead, I invited R over to watch Human Centipede 3. He said absolutely, after he did an outcall.I waited. And waited. And waited. Around 9 p.m. I gave up. And no call,no text. This morning about ten minutes ago I finally get this vague message about a rough night and not being able to get away from a visit with a friend he hasn’t seen in years.

I wish I could post video of the vein in my forehead about to explode.

I shot back, “Could have sent a text. Busy is no excuse for being so rude.”

No caps. No exclamation points. Nothing but a calm statement of fact.

And no response. Because no doubt he is lamenting how mean I am for not understanding how busy and important he is. Or how he hasn’t seen that friend in years but he can see me anytime. Reminds me of when we lived together and I dared to ask him to spend time with me. Same childish response. (And it’s not just him, it’s the men I meet in general, they’re fucking rude little kids, I wait for them to pull my pigtail, they’re such whiny immature brats.)

Seriously, not ten seconds to send a text? If I do that to him, even for ten minutes, he has a tantrum. And when he does make contact, not even an I’m sorry? BASIC HUMAN COURTESY AND MANNERS. Is it too much to expect? Because he does this over and over and I am always the hostile bitchy one, I’m “in a mood”, I don’t “understand”. I am so fucking fed up and pissed off. It’s hard for me to extend myself, to invite anyone into my sanctum. To be blown off so rudely, not once, but twice now, is infuriating. Why bother with people? They’re just a disappointment and a torment. I am not anti social just because I expect basic manners, ffs.

EXTERMINATE ALL HUMANS.

Except my readers, ‘cos you guys get it and I love you guys.

Moving on, though my fury is still red hot and boiling.

I did six hours in the dish yesterday. Shop. Met P. Fetched spawn from traffic jam centra. Even a visit to mom’s, cos she claimed they wanted to take Spook shopping for school clothes but instead they had plans for my nephew’s birthday. No call from her, either. WTF is wrong with people?

P and I hit it off, we share a lot of the same opinions. She said she would definitely call me next time she needs to go to Wal-mart so we can do the buddy system thing. That’s cool. My dad has long told me that my opinion of this town and its people is my imagination, but even she mentioned it. So I’m not making it up. People here stare, make rude comments, and come off as hostile. I’ve never felt it anywhere else I’ve been.

Needless to say by the time all that was done and I finally got back to my bubble…I was taxed and maxed. I just can’t keep up. Hell, just picking my kid up from school amid the crowd and traffic is enough to traumatize me. Five days a fucking week? I’m gonna be in the Rubber fucking Ramada in a month. And I have all this other shit to deal with, like waiting on my disability review. Five months? Really? I know red tape moves at the speed of death but, ffs. This anxiety overhead 24-7 is draining. Just rip the bandage off, yay or nay. I am so sick of living this way. I have got to find a way to bring in money and not have to rely on disability. For whatever stress it takes away, it just brings different stress.

At this point…I am demoralized to the nth. Only saving grace is my kid is sleeping over at grandma’s tonight so at least I can wallow in my demoralization alone. Is it just me? Am I wrong to find all this shit so anxiety inducing? Am I wrong to call people on being rude? Is it really that insulting to want an apology when someone is so rude and inconsiderate?

I know it is definitely NOT unreasonable to be sick and tired of having people blame my bipolar for my outrage. Two words go a long way. “I’m sorry.” But that’s too much to ask of these fuckfaces. And it’s my bipolar anger that’s the problem? God,ย  no one should have to deal with this much stupid on a daily basis.

I am also sick to death ofย  “it’s not that big of a deal.” When you say you’re gonna come over and I rearrange my routine so everything kid related has been tended to and the movie can be viewed in the 90 minutes allotted to our friendship your importance can spare…Hell yeah I am pissed off. And I have every right to be.

Karma for all the times I flaked out on jobs and didn’t call. Back then, before mood stabilizers, it just never touched me how wrong it was. I figured by the third day of calling in sick I was fired anyway so I just never called. Or I was too manic to even have it occur to me. Well, guess what? I’m getting it back in spades. Except now I am trying to do right so the past never lets go. Mindfulness that, mental health professionals.

Half hour, still no reply from his highness. Unbelievable what I am expected to put up with. Yet he stopped speaking to me once and called me a user ‘cos I didn’t answer my phone at 11p.m. Just unfuckingreal.

Alone time. That’s what I need. I mean, I am alone now, but school pick up still looms so I can’t relax, my stomach is in knots. I feel panic bubbling no matter how much I try to “quash” it.

I think the Daleks have a point. Okay, I don’t think random murder of a species is ideal but hate is easy. Love is hard. Acceptance is hard. Being hurt, repeatedly, is hard. To hate is easy and freeing. Reminds me of the episode where the Dalek picked up some of Rose’s humanity and it chose to die rather than live as something it wasn’t. It knew only hate and having human notions of anything else repulsed the dalek. I can relate since every day I pretty much have to put on a performance and be something I’m not.

And I’d be a flat out liar if I said there aren’t times where I feel like that dalek and would rather die than go on living this way.

But of course, I don’t have real feelings. I don’t get hurt, I don’t require courtesy. Because I’m bipolar and everything I feel is wrong.

Misanthropy should be a religion. I’d be the fucking leader.

 

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79 Responses to “Dalek”

  1. fuck me, are you living inside me? because I feel this exactly AND love Doctor Who AND Big Bang Theory and everything you said is exactly right. People are sick of me pointing out things that aren’t right, especially those common courtesies that would make things easier and why I dislike people. My stomach hurts and I’m craving odd foods that I don’t believe would help it settle. Does the Rubber Ramada have Room Service?

  2. BWAHAHA OMG THAT MEME IS ABSOLUTE PERFECTION!!
    No, it is not wrong to expect manners. It’s a fucking 10 second text to write then send. Behaved for fucking bid us who are “off” use it as an excuse to blow someone off. I hate stupidity, idiocy, ignorance and arrogance. Fuck I’m doomed since most people around are like that. Ffs where’s the HUMANITY?! Rant away, and I’ll be the manager at your Rubber Ramada for your stay. Anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask for!

  3. I can’t pay attention, I can’t pay bills, I can’t pay the piper, I can’t pay it forward, or anything. I’m broke. And I’m also broken, like the last spork I tried, it spilled all the soup on the way to my mouth. Those tiny bottles are too small to help, and I’m already too far over-budget. I’ll be unofficially sneaking in my own damn liquor, but unofficially I’ll be lying and declaring myself a non-drinker. Relax, I’ll share. Who’s got the next bottle?

    • Bottle, hell. I want a friggin’ keg of nothing less than seventy proof. Not that I ever drink or anything. Or lie. Or swear. Or smoke cigarettes. Fuck, I do drink, smoke, lie and swear. Mea culpa.

      On Fri, Aug 21, 2015 at 10:42 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

    • Do you think “paying it forward” includes being rude in return to those who are rude to you? Just curious, cos given the right mood, I could pay it forward that way til I take my last breath!

  4. Fuck that,,, I’m sleeping in the hallway & got Bacardi 181 & more, no invite needed!! Party on the patio bitches!!! ;-* โค

    • I’ma bring a big picture of R and some spork-darts so we can stab the wound on the donkey.

      On Fri, Aug 21, 2015 at 11:28 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • & extra packs cigs?!

      • I got a full pack but I smoke more when I’m drinking,,, haha imagine that

      • I smoke more when I’m…awake. Ya know, even when I was preggo and couldn’t be medicated…My obgyn-gyno stopped bitching at me about the smokes because even he could see without them…I’d be stabbing things. Habit or survival? You choose.

      • Got that! I quit when I was prego, I do realize not every Momma can,,,

      • Yeah, oddly, I didn’t quit smoking, caffeine, lunch meat, smokes, etc when preggo and yet my kid is healthy as a horse. Makes me believe more and more life is all a game of chance. May make me evil by conventional standards but I’ve seen too many moms do EVERYTHING right and end up with a sick kid. Maybe my penance is her defiance and acting out, I dunno. With mental shit on all sides of her family tree, maternal and paternal, she was destined to end up messed up in some way. I didn’t do it! I am perfect and balanced and…Yeah, I am full of shit but I make the effort rather than run from responsibility. If only effort counted…

        On Fri, Aug 21, 2015 at 12:42 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I wanted a baby since I was 14?, so when I turned 18 I quit caffeine, sticky notes alcohol, cigs, weed, drugs or any kind, & got pregnant 6 mos later

      • PACKS of cigs? I roll my own, dude, only way I can afford to keep the habit. So now y’all know, why I hang 0ut with Satan,er, I mean, R, I am just trying to get that pack of real smokes! Not because I’m a princess who can tell a difference, but because I am lazy and hate rolling ’em!

      • i only smoke about 1ยฝ packs cigs/week anymore unless I’m drinking. my kid gets them for me. And rollies? they don’t bother me,,, ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Pack and a half a WEEK? Dude, you are sooooo fucking cured ‘cos the really ill smoke one after another! LOL.

        On Fri, Aug 21, 2015 at 12:40 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Lack of funds, etc,,, & believe it or not I have (intrusive?) thoughts that I’m evil that magnify when I smoke,,, Is my room (Rubber Ramada) ready yet????

      • Oh, smokers are the current lepers, it’s not you. Just wait til smart phone users become a “bad influence” on society. Then you and every Tom, Dick, and Jerry will be persona non grata! โค

        MMM, I suddenly want New York double fudge ice cream…

        On Fri, Aug 21, 2015 at 12:45 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I can’t smoke in my apartment, or on property even, so it’s a PITA!

  5. EX
    TER
    MIN
    ATE…

    If I met a dalek right now, I think I’d just be all COME AT ME BRO!! Eternal oblivion with no responsibility for it. Perfect.

    R-sole makes less sense the more you write about him. Dropping you like that was completely fucking rude. Bah.

  6. See, Morgueticia, that’s why I love hanging around you and this crowd. You people are fucking awesome. Most of the time my vengeance is only fantasized though. And, ahem, I never drink, or fucking swear, or have sex, or ever ever lie. ::DM is vaporized in a perfectly placed lightning strike. Or was that a Dalek death ray?::

  7. I’m glad your meeting with P went well. The rest of them can fuck off

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