I deposited my munchkin for her first day of first grade at the big school today. She looked so determined, yet so hesitant and lost. The school didn’t want parents bringing the kids in, said they’d have people waiting to show the noobs around, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I parked around the corner and kept watching til I saw her follow some other kids to the basement entrance. No tears or mom hysterics, just anxiety. Last night was a lot of momxiety too. Because that is how I roll. And it’s not just exclusive to being a mom.

It’s me-xiety. Even when I was in a relationship and someone I was with had a job interview or whatever…I’d get nervous for them. Like, couldn’t sleep for days beforehand nervous. I don’t know why so much anxiety transfers and imprints, especially when it’s not really relating to me personally. Empathetic anxiety?

R sent a text asking for my presence before I even got her dropped off. I wasn’t even dressed, though, per my kid’s demand, I did put on pants. Apparently sitting at home with no pants on means I go out in public that way. Aside from my yard, I have never gone anywhere without pants. Just saying. I stopped by the shop, thinking he’d be returning the stuff he borrowed, but noo. He needs to run errands and wants me to babysit. Pack of smokes for my trouble. I kind of wanted some me time. And NO the weekend did not count as me time because I spent most of it cleaning her room or doing the other housework.

But I will do it. I just had to come home and ya know, put on a shirt I hadn’t slept in and oh, that bra thing. And also I had to eat a cracker cos I took my meds without eating again and got all nauseous. The meds on empty stomach nausea kicks the ass of pregnancy nausea.

It occurs now, too late, that I meant to get a pic of Spook’s first day of kindergarten  outfit before we left. Damn it. I’m juggling and I just keep dropping everything.

Dad didn’t bring her back til almost six last night. Then they were here an hour cutting boards and stuff to make that side rail for her top bunk. I was so glad when they left ‘cos I am gonna try to keep this kid on a schedule. Which is hard for me because with my overwhelming anxiety and mood shifts and her acting out, I’m not always in a stable mind frame for routine and order. People oversimplify it and say, ya just gotta fight through it, keep on that schedule, routine, routine, kids need routine.

I need loose routine. My mental shit doesn’t give a zero fuck. Especially as the seasonal affective is coming and i’m gonna be lucky to remember to bathe myself, let alone keep her glued to some rigid supper/homework/play/bath/bedtime regimen. I can try but it sounds exhausting already.

She woke up once during the night, asked to get in my bed. I let her take Shady in her room and tucked her back into her own bed and there she stayed.

I on the other hand, took Melatonin and just as I started to doze off…Willow decided she wanted to go outside so took the path of most resistance out my bedroom window screen, knocked the fan out, and sent me into a heart attack like panic. Awesome. After that, it was half a Xanax and more tossing and turning. Only to keep waking every hour on the hour. GRRR. But I got my ass up after only one round of the snooze button and got her ready, made sure she was clean and fed and dressed nicely.

Now neurotic mommy just waits for the phone to ring to see if she’s gonna develop some physical malady (which she does often during school year) or some behavioral issue.

Oh,  and I had to bury two kittens that died over the weekend, so that makes three who died in the last week- Dahlia, Zatar, and Oleander. My “love hurts so let’s just hate every fucking thing” desire is growing stronger and stronger.

So now I am gonna go back into the dish to take R his smokes and credit card back and hope he will get his shit done so I can leave. Not sure what for, except I need to grocery shop and that’s less traumatic without kid in tow. I’m just feeling off. It’s like, I can tell a difference in my overall energy and frame of mind with the Cymbalta but I’m running on four cylinders instead of all eight. Bet if I try to explain it that way to the doctor he’ll look at me, again, like I’ve sprouted two heads.

Ugh, the king beckons. Cos he can’t remember me saying I would be a bit so I could ya know, get dressed. I suppose that’s shame on me since most people get dressed before they go out. What can I say I am pajama mom. Least most of my jamas just look like normal slothwear, and black.

Off and running. Or shambling,as it were.



11 Responses to “Momxiety”

  1. Sending good thoughts your way on the me-/panxiety. You’re a good momma. Thought you could use hearing that again, my friend 🙂 XXXXX

  2. Hey I drop my kids off in my jams-no bra, booty shorts and tank top, and sometimes I put on a hoodie. Today i stopped at the grocery in my cut up Harley shirt sans bra and scrub pants sans underoos. My give a fuck ain’t up and running until 2ish.
    I can relate to the first day of school momxiety-hell the entire school year I’m waiting for a shoe to drop with either of my heathens. But they’re mine and I’m aloud to be shitty at them when they misbehave. Damn R and his lack of consideration for you not wanting to show up sans bra. I wonder what the look on his face would be if you just showed up like you just rolled outta bed-cat hair, no bra, no pants. He, I’d love to see the look on his face.

    • Turned out my effort to look human did no good. I wore a black shirt and I was all humidity damp and the stupid black lint cling to my arms so I could have been mistaken for a yeti or accused of never bathing. THREE showers in 24 hours and still no amount of effort seems to make me look presentable.
      I wanna wear a fucking muumuu and a turbie twist 24-7 and fuck this fashionista shit.

  3. Sooo sorry ’bout the kitty babies 😥

  4. I love going out in my jammies. Wal-Mart, to drop the kid off, to check the mail. I wear scrubs during the week for work, so it’s very rare that I will even WANT to put on a pair of jeans. Ugh. Too much effort for nothing.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear about the kittens.

  6. Kitties. 😦 I’m also dreading the change of season. September will kick my ass to the darkest corners of hell for sure.

  7. It’s holidays, routine has gone to shit and beyond
    Add in the fact summer is bad for me, hot weather and sun is good for you… So they tell you
    Summer is like hell and cold British winter can’t come soon enough, routine back in a couple of weeks too, yay yay
    Plus side, a week off

    Also got attacked on my game and messaged a player with no respect or wit, set a whole bunch of heavy players in my league on him and wrote to him ‘I thought I was dealing with a man, alas I am not. You are lower than a stain of human bile on my boot. And the stain has more wit’
    Manners, cost you nothing to use, with me a lack of them gets you hell! Unless I like you, then be a rude, blunt and ruthless fucker all you want!!

    • Well, assuming you like me and having just been given free reign…I suddenly don’t wanna be mean to you. I’m an enigma…

      • Not quite sure what I’ll remember of these six weeks, when I get a slight reprieve from purest self loathing and depressive gut wrenching, before hated Christmas
        But sure I’ll still be crazy!
        Think I need sleep now, brains just broken, again!

  8. Just Plain Ol' Vic Says:

    My wife cried after dropping off the kids to the first day of school last week. You would have thought it was their first day ever…nope. Middle School and High School, go figure!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: