Let It All Burn The Fuck Down

OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER NEGATIVE WHINY POST FROM THIS BITCH!!

To which this bitch says, be on your merry way into the land of cotton candy clouds and frolicking unipuppies.

Truth be told, I’m feeling less venomous and more just frustrated. Death, death, death. No money. Too hot. Rashes, itching. Buried under housework. Everything is a fucking disaster and I don’t even know where to start or if I just wanna light a match and let it all burn the fuck down…Lock me in a fucking rubber room ‘cos this “independent living” is absolute shit.

I must admit, I’m not really a pyro cos once you’ve wakened to firemen pulling you out of a burning building, fire just becomes a trigger rather than any sort of high…But when things turn to shit and I am flailing and feeling fed up and week..I have these fantasies like that end scene of “Heathers” where Winona Rider’s character blows up the school and lights a cigarette and walks away…I just wanna grab my kid, my cats, my puter, and blow it all the fuck up and walk far away. It’s not a real desire ‘cos I’m not really destructive that way (thank you, Lamictal) but it’s nice to have fantasies, ya know.

(And yes, I know there are people who have it way worse, but I’m still gonna bitch.)

I slept. Only to wake at 3 a.m. And have all these thoughts about hey, let’s just stay up and do stuff while it’s still cool out, then you can sleep through the heat of the day…It didn’t happen, though. Arsenic kept trying to love on me and I didn’t ignore him but I kept my distance. I can’t get more attached only to lose another one. As it already is, Oleander is acting sick today and I don’t know if I am just so panicked that I am mistaking heat lethargy for something fatal or what.

So I slept til 10 a.m. I’ve showered. That’s about it. I need to tackle Spook’s cyclone of a room but I have zero energy. I’m gonna try her out sleeping on the top bunk for awhile which means a complete overhaul of the entire room and closet. In 93 degree heat and her room having only a fan…It’s gonna be miserable. I have great timing when I decide I want to do these things then my brain laughs at me and says, nope. I HAVE to make an effort. Maybe it won’t be perfect, but I have to get some order going on so she can get her school clothes on and get out the door before noon.

Last night I had all these thoughts on what to do today and now, I’ve got nothing. I needed a couple of things from Dollar Tree to do the organizing and now…Blank. Nothing. My memory has become laughable. Spook will ask, “Really, Mommy?” And I will have absolutely no clue what she’s referring to even though I said it like five seconds before. I just have gaping swiss cheese holes for a memory. The doctors say the meds don’t cause this but prior to all the meds, I had an impeccable memory. Oh, but wait, it’s age…I am starting to hate doctors more than I ever have.

When they picked Spook up last night my dad asked what I was gonna do while she’s gone. I said, “Sleep.” He went off and said, “Now why would you need sleep? And I thought  you were going to clean her room…And I wake up at 5 a.m. every day and I don’t go to bed before 11 p.m. so why do you need sleep…”

He’s always been that way but in my current “burn it all down” state I just want to smack him over the head with a shovel. He has no idea what my life is like cos all he cares about is his own shit. Sleep is a rare commodity for me. Hell, being able to go pee without the kid in tow is a rare commodity. He’s an ass.

I did my forced dish thing yesterday while Spook was still home. We just hit a few yard sales nearby, nothing major, and I eventually cracked ‘cos the traffic was too much but I made myself get out. So why am I not cured? I need to run out today but it will be brief, and that’s IF I even remember what it was I needed at Dollar Tree. Fuck.

In an effort to “battle” the depression I’ve been trying to play music. I can handle it about a half hour before my nerves are frayed. This pisses me off to no end because music was always my shelter, medicine for my soul. To have that impacted by this mental shit is vomit inducing. I’ve never been one to go out or party, I am an introverted homebody, so not wanting to go out and all…The dread and anxiety are depression but mostly, I’m okay at home. But not being able to enjoy music…That is just absolute ass trash. Seems like this depression has cost me more than any other I’ve been through, as far as being comforted.

Because there is so much sunshine spewage out there and I am all about self awareness I’ve been soul searching lately. Am I amping up the mental thing? Am I just a lazy naturally miserable person? Am I just in denial of that?

I don’t think so. I am bright enough to know the difference between situational depression (broke, relationship broke up, car broke down, etc) and a chronic clinical depression. Not being able to enjoy music…That’s not my norm. That’s part of the illness. So let the sunshine spewers go run ten miles, drink a gallon of water, pray to a god that likely doesn’t exist and proclaim themselves happy and cured. Their story is not my story and I am becoming resentful of the “one size must fit all” shit anyway. I may never be a chipper “top of the morning to you” person but I know who I am and I am not a miserable person. I’ve found contentment and happiness even when things were absolutely shitty. Because my mind wasn’t sick, it was being maintained by functioning meds.

Right now…I’m gonna cling to “let it all burn”. Because some stuff is just shitty and telling myself otherwise makes it worse.

Now excuse me while I root around in the blob of swiss cheese called my memory and try to recall what it was I needed at the store. I’ll try not to burn it down, I promise. I haven’t perfected my burst into flames glare yet anyway.

 

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36 Responses to “Let It All Burn The Fuck Down”

  1. burn it down, blow it up…you just described my greatest fantasy. thanks. xoxo frolicking unipuppy

  2. “Burn It To The Ground” Nickelback (& yes I DO like Nickelback! “One Headlight” The Wallflowers! I feel ya Chicka! ;-*

    • I like Nickelback. I remember when”How Your Remind Me” was played on a local radio station for “smash it or trash it” and 70% of the idgets trashed it. Guess Nickelback got the last laugh. And I liked “One Headlight” and “Three Marlenas” by Wallflowers. No shame. I even willingly admit Hanson’s “Mmmbop” is my “feel good” song. I’m mentally disturbed so I have an excuse 😉

      On Sat, Aug 15, 2015 at 12:11 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  3. I’m having the same problem with my memory. Not medication related my ass

    • Well my brilliant shrink even denied that meds can cause suicidal thoughts EVEN THOUGH THE MANUFACTURER STATES SUCH ON THEIR WEBSITE. Sometimes, I wonder if changing from the doc who graduated from University of Chihuahua (no joke) for this guy was a wise choice.

  4. That ending scene in Heathers was perfect. I have had days like that, though I don’t think my depression is as serious as yours. I think mine is more situational. But I am throughly convinced that big pharm’s main goal is to fuck us all into oblivion because it lines their pockets with the green.

    • I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if all the meds are “planned obsolescence”. Get us taking one, it quits, take another, et al. So we are never better but keep holding out hope so we take more and more pills, they get richer and richer, and we look like drama queens. Planned obsolescence is a thing, too, in the electronics field. They know if they use enough crappy parts and discontinue so you can’t replace them, you’ll be forced to buy a new TV. On and on it goes. Why would big pharma be any different.

      On Sat, Aug 15, 2015 at 12:35 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  5. Yeah, burning it down sounds good sometimes to let your mind drift to as a fantasy. My go to for that image has always been the movie Office Space, and just kind of sitting in the background wryly smiling knowing that I finally snapped just like the movie. But the one from Heathers is really good too.

  6. Heathers is one of my favorite movies. “Burn It To The Ground” Linkin Park-they are my saving grace for the time being. I don’t care wtf a shrink says about a med NOT causing Swiss cheese brain. I had this discussion with Nerochemically and I could remember names and faces and even the date and time is met them. Now?? I have a horrible time with names, can barely remember common words sometimes, and I can forget the date. I’m donating my brain to science so they can see the holes caused by the mania, depression AND the meds. Amazingly when I went off the Abilify, some things came back. Words aren’t as difficult but names are, and I’m remembering where I met those people.
    No unipuppies and Pegacorn hybrids sounds excellent. Although it’d be super fluffy.
    I want to run away a lot myself. Not even burn the shit. Just take a weeks worth of clothes, important papers and pictures, gas up Vivi and go.

  7. MEMORY?? WHO ARE YOU GUYS & HOW DID YOU GET ON MY INTERNET/PHONE WI-FI?!? * seriously I have MAJOR short term memory issue!! Ugh!

    • Who the hell are YOU??? And why do seem familiar yet I have no idea why I am talking to you?
      Ohhh, right. Big pharma. Fuckyouverymuch.

      • I looked into this glass on my bathroom wall & this Bitch was staring straight at me copying me! Really!! FUCKING bitch wants knocked out!

      • TAKE HER OUT! Especially if she’s friendly and smiling. I have watched way too much Christopher Titus standup. But he does have point, ya know. When they interview the neighbors of Dahmer and such, it;s always, “He was so quiet, so friendly, always smiled at me…” PANIC, PANIC, PANIC.

        On Sat, Aug 15, 2015 at 5:14 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • FYI, we’re having a Dollar Tree frozen cheeseburger for supper. You can save me calories by eating half and we’ll both be nourished and satiated. I can throw in a side of peas for healthfulness if need be. 😉

        On Sat, Aug 15, 2015 at 5:29 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • I had a salad!!! My favorite meal yum! I looked up C Titus & realized who he is & his TV show awhile ago!

      • Salad is just another word for bunny food, which some of us don’t find appetizing! And yeah, I have both seasons of the Titus show, it was hysterical. Most of his fame has come from his stand up, though. I’m a big fan of “if it weren’t for my mom it’d still be legal to kill in some certain states with cappucino machine.” i say, weaponize everything! Let the camelraffe shoot nails and molotov’s!

        On Sat, Aug 15, 2015 at 5:42 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Love salad! I gotta watch his stand up & animal warfare, thumbs up!!!

      • Check out the one about “she’s hot, but she’s CRAZY!” That one is a classic at the shop. It’s not crazy to burn someone’s house,or stab them, right?: I have messed up morals I guess. Or it could be that imaginary bipolar thing…

      • Imma definitely check his stuff out! =) TTYL woman!

  8. People just don’t understand how DEEP chronic, clinical depression is. They don’t. If you can cheer up like nothing was wrong after reading a motivational poster…

    I was telling Sassy about making grenades that look like corn. For the assholes. Useful on holidays when they gather.

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