Insult To Injury

I get an even free of my kid, have parmesan bites, oh, and I have another dying kitten. I swear the neighbors are poisoning them or Spook is accidentally stepping on them or shutting them in the door. (I’ve seen her do it and lie right to my face.) I cannot take another loss. My tear ducts may be busted due to all the meds but my soul is bleeding out. What’s the fucking point of getting attached and then having your heart broken over and over?

I was always a “better to have loved than lost than never to have loved at all” type.

That part of me is long gone. I am so disconnected right now, I don ‘t want to feel love because everything I love either ends up dying or despising me.

Nope, it’s not enough that my brain keeps sending me faulty information. Now the universe and it’s stupid notion of “all mighty god” keep taking away innocent little creatures I dare to open my heart up to.

And all day my brain has been  forcefeeding me misfires. I saw a flea on the cat earlier now i am convinced I have bugs in my brain. The heat and sweat have brought back my nasty itchy rash all over my torso so that just feeds the delusion of bugs under my skin and inside my head.

How about ONE FUCKING DAY WITHOUT AN EPISODE OF BATSHIT CRAZY OR SOMETHING I CARE FOR DYING???IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK?

And for any sunshine spewers wanting to bestow their religion based logic and well meaning prayers on me…As far as I am concerned at this moment, with my heart broken, there isn’t a god I want to pray to. This is just fucking cruel and sadistic, having all these cats I get attached to only to have them mysteriously get sick and die. It’s like a repeat of my first pet when i was 5 and the asshole neighbor fed it glass and I watched it- held it- as he died. That’s all I ever seem to get is a repeat of the past.

There are no better days. There are only “less awful” days for some of us.

My attitude was better earlier but when I lose a cat…All bets are off. The fates can go die screaming in a fire. Between my brain’s misinformation and all these kitty burials…I am really ready to go on some sort of grief and fury induced rampage.

I’d normally make some snarky quip about pegacorns or giraffes here but…Nope. I may not be able to squeeze a tear out due to my meds making me ever more fucked up…But my soul is bawling and bleeding out and I just can’t muster up humor.

And if the world were the logical and sane beings they think they are, they wouldn’t shove prayer and religious logic down the throat of someone who is simply hurting and needs to grieve and mourn. You have your faith, thank you for your good thoughts but please don’t mention god or prayers right now.

I won’t pray to any god this cruel.

Now shove me into the pits of hell for being a godless heathen, IDGAF. If there is ever a time to be faithless and angry, it is when there is pointless suffering and death.

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16 Responses to “Insult To Injury”

  1. I am sorry, I love you ❤ I am sorry the kittens are all dying. That would kill me inside.

  2. my heart breaks for you. i’m sorry. and fleas are fucking awful.

  3. I’m so sorry for these continued losses. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Thinking of you

  4. *Hands you cake vodka and an IV drip*

  5. I’m spiraling into the “must get out of relationship before they leave me” part of the madness and it’s exhausting. I would just like to have a normal relationship for once in my life.

    You want me to have a spork made… you know, trident size though? Or should we just start eating from the dish with a trident?

  6. Why why whyyy is parmesan biting you??

    I’m so sorry to hear about the kitten. I’ve had a couple of years stuffed with losses too, and I definitely hear you about it breaking you. I’m sending you love and hugs for it. And Stephen Fry’s rant about god was spot on. Fucker.

  7. Maybe that’s why you’re itchy,,, parmesan bites do itch, mosquito bites do that to me!

    • Ha ha ha. I am addicted to those Domino’s parm bites and fucking selfish, to boot. I get more when I don’t have to share with the garbage disposal called Spook 😉 Between bug bites and being allergic to own sweat, I’m thinking I need a Claritin IV to go with the cake one. I can’t wait for fall. And not just ‘cos Halloween stuff comes out, I won’t be itching if I’m not sweating. Then I can start bitching that I’m too cold, muhahaha.

      On Sat, Aug 15, 2015 at 11:09 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • 😦 I’m teetering at the edge of the rabbit hole as I kinda hinted at & the perspective of summer ending isn’t helping. fall/winter are so bleak to me that I often feel suicidal, but definitely have daily suicidal ideations, SUX! I have Pdoc appt on 19th, so I’m gonna address this ahead of time,,, also I feel like I’m falling into my anorexic mindset again, had it bad 24 yrs ago & won, but still underweight (I’m ok with this) but still have body dysphonic,,, yrs, i despise cold & don’t have a car, so I gotta hoof it everywhere. Sorry, I’m just bitching,,,

      • I hear ya. I’m the opposite ‘cos I can’t wait for fall even though I know it brings the depression. It lowers my anxiety and I’m not in the heat/allergy misery. Kind of a mixed bag. I want a happy medium on all fronts, what kind of dreamer am I.

      • I’ve have allergies since I was a toddler, not so bad anymore 🙂 But mosquitoes eat me alive like I’m some kind of free buffet & my itch is so severe I even had IL steroid injections at work & they barely touched the itch, only got bit mildly this summer, YAY

  8. We have two ancient cats and an ancient dog, plus one cat who should be in her prime but is feeling poorly. I am dreading what will happen over the next month (or so) and how I have to get through it.

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