Shamble On

I’ve come to liken my eight month long depression with shambling like a zombie. And that’s what it is. Oh, yes, look at me, I am out of bed and doing shit I have to do. I am so not ill anymore because auto pilot is working on THIS day. There’s this misconception that depression absolutely MUST be a complete shutdown where one stops getting dressed, stops bathing altogether, lets their bills go unpaid, the kids  get neglected, and they never ever have even a few hours of functionality. If you have a few hours functionality, well, it negates the entire week you’ve been in a daze. Society either needs to get educated or put a collective bullet in its head. Stupid is just sad.

I buried Dahlia today. Put a yellow rose on his grave before a thunderburst let out and knocked it down with a downpour. Eight dead kitties in four months. I feel like a damned feline undertaker. Given, most of them died due to being born prematurely and having an absolutely shit cat mother. Why Dahlia died is beyond me, he was fine Friday night when he was on my pillow snuggling me. While my tear ducts stubbornly refuse to work when they fucking should, my soul weeps for the loss of my sweet kitty. Why any “god” would put any living creature on earth only to suffer and die before even getting to truly live is a faith shaker for me. I have lots of faith. Faith that everything that can possibly turn to shit, will turn to shit. Call me a pessimist, I am grieving at the moment and I don’t give a damn if my “gloom” stomps on some shiny happy person’s toilet full of rainbow vomit.

I let myself vegetate and do nothing for most of the day. By allowing myself this “luxury” I worked in spurts here and there and got shit done. Dishes, laundry folded, lawn mowed, fixed supper. All of it done with all the enthusiasm of one facing a firing squad. I get stabby with the misconception society has that it’s as simple as, “You just don’t want to do any work.” If only it were that simple. It invalidates the very definition of depression, which is a loss of pleasure even in formerly pleasurable things. It’s not just errands in the dish or housework that weighs me down. Someone could come to my door, hand me free tickets to a Mudvayne concert, and I’d just say, “Meh, no thanks, give them to someone who can enjoy them.” Not WILL. CAN. Because I can’t enjoy things anymore. It’s the very essence of depression.

It’s been humid as fuck all day, I’ve already had two showers and probably a third before I get into bed. Miserable. The temp wasn’t high at all. But with 81% humidity…Like being in a sauna. I even tried to watch a movie shot in Alaska during the dead of winter in hopes it might act as some sort of psychological placebo and convince me I’m not melting into a puddle in my chair. Epic fail. As were the other six movies I attempted to watch today. It would help if Hulu had choices other than “worse than straight to video”. I’m doing the free trial thing but with that limited selection, I am thinking…fuck you, not paying for shit. If I wanted to pay for shit, I’d have cable. With my ADD and the Focalin letting me down, about all I need to watch are shows under 45 mins long. I’d say movie trailers would be good, but aside from Deadpool, I haven’t watched a trailer in the last few weeks that was worthwhile.

I’ve been pleasantly surprised today by the positive response to my post about mindfulness. I thought for sure I’d get trolled and lambasted since everyone and their cousin’s dog is undergoing the mindfulness therapy these days. Nice to know it’s not just me who has less than absolute faith in that therapy approved denial.

My dad darkened my doorstep today. They bought Spook school clothes for her birthday. They even called first and I told stepmonster exactly what she needed. Pants. Instead they bring six skirts. Not to be ungrateful but the child just got six dresses/skirts between my mom and me. Even if it is gonna be warm for a few more weeks, once the temp drops my kid isn’t gonna have anything warmer and I’m not gonna have any money to buy them. So thanks, assholes, why bother asking me if you’re just gonna do what the fuck you want anyway. I try to think ahead, sue me. I am not without gratitude, mind you. But I wonder how they’d feel if they ordered a steak at a restaurant but the waitress overruled them and brought them tofu and insisted they accept it, pay for it, and be happy with it.

Stepmom mentioned how the shrink wants my brother to have bloodwork done for his Trileptal and I said, it makes sense, considering they don’t use salt and that shit messes with sodium levels. I added how I’ve had so much trouble with photo and heat sensitivity and dehydration outside with my mood stabilizers. My dad went off on one of his, “Oh, everyone is like that in the heat.” When I tried to elaborate and educate his ignorant ass, he got snotty and kept with his, “It could kill anyone” party line. I just wanna smack him with a decomposing mackerel sometimes. Asshole. My brother passes out, starts puking, cos they’ve had him out in the sun mowing for two straight hours and it correlates to his medication yet my dad is right, my dad is always right.  KILL IT WITH FIRE.

I’m gonna go into the shop for a bit tomorrow, he apparently wants to bitch and moan about how mean his wife has been to him all weekend. Or maybe that’s just his excuse for not wanting to be alone because she won’t spend her time there keeping him company. Whatever. Truth be told, I need the break from my child. I may be trading one irritation for another, but he can buy me smokes at least. (I am shallow like that and I make no apologies.) True to form, when I asked mom if she’d keep Spook, she said, “Yeah, I’ll watch her, but bring her some food. All we have the next week is ramen noodles.” Yep. Three hundred dollars on a kid’s birthday and they starve for a week. Makes total sense. Morons. My kid got a birthday from me but we also have enough food for a few weeks. All about balance and  budget. I’m not superior, I’m just…different. Thank God of all my dad’s shitty qualities, I ended up with a good one in my ability to prioritize and manage money. If I hadn’t, my kid would be eating cat litter.

I’m ready to call it a day. It’s just hot and miserable and I already miss Dahlia. Damn damn damn to hell whatever deity keeps making me bury sweet sweet kitties. You want me to bury some useless people,alive even, fine, give me the shovel. But kitties??? Sadistic deity.

I’m gonna go be mindful of my pillow. I think I just threw up a little. Vocabulary ipecac.

 

 

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13 Responses to “Shamble On”

  1. Hugs!! ^•^< boy 😦

  2. Hugs! and Prayers for kitties.

  3. I just realized, I’m heading down that fucking hole depression after the hypomania again. At times I swear I can’t do it anymore. I need to keep the goofy snark/smart ass front up,,, fake myself out,,, FUCK,,, I HATE the actress game (fucking job doesn’t even pay the bills,,,)

    • Oh, dude, some of us with bipolar would earn Oscars for the “normal” performances we have to put on. People ask me, “Is it that hard, that painful to smile?” And ya know, in the depressive abyss, it is that hard. Not that the assfucks could ever grasp that. It’d require more than rocks in their skull to understand.

      On Tue, Aug 11, 2015 at 9:13 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • IKR!?! I have all kinds of awards,,, most award wining performances 15 years in a row, situational awards, nomination for life time achievement,,, Remember all those award shows we ‘tied’

      • Oh, hell, woman, I’d earned my porn Oscar by age 22 for so realistically faking orgasms with utterly inept men!

        On Tue, Aug 11, 2015 at 9:32 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Hahaha! I just saw my first porn movie,,,, I forgot, I really did good for an amateur. =D

      • Niiiice. Long as it wasn’t the sitting on balloons porn, I promise to respect you in the morning. If it was clown porn…I disown thee!

        On Tue, Aug 11, 2015 at 9:41 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  4. Intriguing post reminds me of another gem. When you cannot get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.

  5. Hola! I’ve been reading your website for some time now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Dallas Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the great work!|

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