Lies My Mind Told Me

While maintaining the sheer illusion of being functional by going into the dish for five hours…I wrestled with a plethora of  brain misfires. Numb mood. Anxiety attack. Paranoia. Bitchiness. Snapping. Back down in the rabbit hole of “this is so fucking pointless.” The carousel has only slowed down once in the (way too frigging hot) comfort of my bubble. My mind’s been racing for hours, creative ideas flitting in and then…poof, gone. Moods and ideas and panic and pain…This.Is.My.Life.

To my credit, I have, over years, been able to identify, at least with the hormonal stuff, when I am not feeling good and I use my whiplash tongue when it’s really not deserved. I even apologized for doing so today. R could tell how much pain I was in (fuck you, Aleve, you’re useless) with shark week and he was actually empathetic. I about fainted, no drama. Normally he can’t pass up a chance to take offense and play the “women are so mean to me” card. Guess considering all that transpired between last night and this morning had me down flopping on the ground like a dying fish, he cut me some slack. There is no drama here, only mass confusion created by hormones and panic attacks and a bipolar state I can’t even describe.

The numbness was entering the dish. The anxiety attack came in traffic, which was also intensified by a trip to Walmart for R for shop tickets. That place triggers me, every time I go in I get dizzy and feel like I am gonna puke then pass out. Every. Single. Time. I was in such a state of paranoia and panic, I missed someone yelling my name, because, seriously, who do I ever see that’s gonna speak to me? But I felt rude so I did a doubletake. Next thing I know, two former neighbor kids who played with Spook before they moved ran up to hug me and gush about school. It was nice to be met with so much enthusiasm, they’ve been gone almost three years. To be remembered by fickle kids, wow, I must not suck except to my own kid. Needless to say, I was polite but under the surface, I was about to crawl out of my skin. Walmart is just a synonym for hell.

Bitchiness and snappiness came after lunch and the Wally world trigger. At one point I’d had to get off the main drag and take the back streets cos I was flipping out, everything was moving so fast and my mind couldn’t process quickly enough and I was terrified in that state I’d have a wreck in major traffic…That shook my confidence. Then the cramps just got worse in spite of popping the Aleve so I got snappy, and snappier the more I got overheated even in the air conditioning. Following that an enveloping depression hit, making me feel like this kicked puppy who has no control, no hope, and serves absolutely no purpose.

My mood stabilizer is fine. All that is hormonal.

You throw it on top of bipolar depression and it’s like depression/bipolar on steroids. You know what the logical response is, yet your brain is sending you the opposite message and it’s just a clusterfuck. I wish people, the mundanes sans mental issues, could understand this. What it’s like to not be in control of your own brain, to constantly feel like you’ve been hijacked, hacked, roofie’d. It’s not an unwillingness to take responsibility for your actions. It’s an uncertainty in even knowing what your actions are because you KNOW what you meant to say or do and yet, something went haywire and it didn’t end up that way. So is it really you making the choice if your brain lies to you and disobeys you?

The parallel I draw (and I am sure some will want to tar and feather me for this) is if someone slips a drug into your drink and you either act out or pass out and have no memory. Are you responsible if during your altered state, through no fault of your own, for being raped, robbed, et al?

Yet mental health issues are always blame based, always a matter of “take responsibility and grow up”. I look at all my choices made, decisions made, while under the “influence” of  bipolar’s extreme highs and lows…Had I been “stable” would those same choices, contrary to my normal personality, have been made? Because if it’s as simple as slapping all bipolar people with a secondary ‘borderline personality disorder” label to explain the behaviors…Would our behavior not be just as shitty and irresponsible regardless of our bipolar mood cycle and state? I don’t buy that pills can alter a personalty disorder. If it’s a behavior ingrained in who you are, you’re going to do it in May during a manic episode, in December during a depression, because it is behavioral, ingrained, imprinted.

When the pattern correlates to specific times of depressive/manic cycles…That’s not personality and the professionals can go gargle shards of glass with a Drano chaser if they think it is.

I have come to think “borderline” is little more than a label to add to bipolar because so many are med resistant which makes the doctors look bad so they make us believe we’re just bad people who need to change how we act.

How we act is NEVER gonna change, even with a thousand years of therapy and shock treatment, if our brain continually lies to us and sends distorted, incorrect information. And I am fairly sure a manic outburst of laughter at a funeral and bursting into tears when complimented ARE distortions of the brain otherwise known as bipolar disorder.

The party line is, and I’ve used it myself, depression lies. Thing with that is, in *that* moment, which you are supposed to be so mindful of, the lies don’t seem like lies at all. They feel like the truth. You view it as being true. You tell yourself it’s all wrong, you just have to not believe it, not buy into it, and you will be all fixed. There are rare times when you can convince yourself that your brain is lying to you. More often than not, the monsters under the bed and the voices inside of your head win out in *that* moment. Which is why I do the brain reboot therapy- sleep it off, see if you wake up in a different mental space. There is nothing more cruel than trying to help yourself only to fail BECAUSE YOU CANNOT  TALK A BIPOLAR BRAIN OUT OF BEING BIPOLAR. For fuck’s sake.

So while I know my mind and body are lying to me, at this moment, amplifying and distorting…All I can do is ride it out. I am not embracing the negative, at all. I admitted to myself earlier that even if I still feel depressed and anhedonic…the Cymbalta has gotten me out of the rabbit hole. I’m getting out, doing what I have to do, I’m not retiring to my crypt to wallow so early every night, I’ve even been hitting a yard sale here or there. I am trying to do better. My energy is up. I just can’t feel true joy, everything seems pointless and daunting. So it’s better than it was, but considering how bad it was and what I went through with the failed meds before it getting better…I should get a spork of fortitude for making it this far.

Not that I want credit, I just really like sporks.

For now…I am back in my bubble and while my brain keeps circling the drain with pointing out all the negatives going on right now and my ovaries have little oompa loompas  squeezing them at random intervals..I’m less rattled, less snappy, less…well, bitchy and insane. I may even traumatize myself by watching The Human Centipede tonight. If only to say I pushed past my boundaries, which oddly, I never had before when it came to horror/gore flicks. I became a wussy at some point. Maybe because the internet has given me rule 34 and “once seen, it can not be unseen.” Horror movies used to be enjoyable schlock. I shouldn’t fear them. Maybe it’s not the movies I fear so much as the ones actually based on deviant human behavior. Seriously, who believes Freddy Krueger and Jason Vorhees are even plausible threats?

Now that creepy guy with the medical degree who likes to experiment on things…He’s a threat.

I dunno. My brain hasn’t told its next lie yet so I’m in a holding pattern.




4 Responses to “Lies My Mind Told Me”

  1. For valiant effort battling thine own mind, I grant thee the coveted Spork of Fortitude. All hail!

  2. You’re so right about the brain being beyond your control then. I wish people would be more considerate of it. Doctors included.

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