The Uselessness Of Mindfulness

The mixed messages that life sends is enough to make me drink bleach. “You’re the only one putting pressure on yourself, it’s all in your own head.”

Talk to others…“You need to suck it up, life is hard, no one else gets to sit on their ass because they’re tired…”

So which is it, motherfuckers?

Which brings me to an all new rant. This mindfulness/narrative therapy in which the whole point is to let go of the past, be mindful of the present, and not be self critical and negative. This is a fucking winner. NOT. Because what happens in therapy is so NOT the way the world really works. Want proof? I can let go of my past but it keeps biting me on the ass.

Job interviewer: “I see you have this misdemeanor shoplifting charge on your record…That’s going to be a problem.”

I’m living in the now, not judging myself, and yet…In the real world, it doesn’t apply. No one cares that at the time of that charge, I’d just lost a very good friend and I was at rock bottom and self destructive to the nth. No one gives a damn for the reason.

Job Interviewer: “Your employment history is very spotty, you don’t seem to stay at one job very long.”

Again, doing my best to move on, own my mistakes,and do better…And there it is, gnawing on my butt cheek. Never mind the job history pretty much displays the very pattern of bipolar depression, by which standard, I am perfectly normal in my mental illness. No one gives a flying fuck. You can try to explain, but there are a dozen candidates without that limitation who are going to look a lot more appealing than you. Game over time after time. Defeatist or plain reality? Therapy would say defeatist. It’s just reality.

New age shiny happy therapy method: “Be objective, do not judge yourself negatively. The past is the past, focus on the present. Be mindful of this moment.”

Reality: “You act like all the bad things you’ve done don’t count, you need to grow up and take responsibility.”

Shiny happy therapy method: “Be positive. Just because something has happened once does not mean it will happen again. Let it go, live in the now.”

Reality: “I stole something 11 years ago, it only happened once.I’m not that person anymore, I can be trusted now.”

“Well, you have a history and that does play into employment and being trustworthy.”

such utter rubbish even if well intentioned.

Now, I realize I am prone to looking for the worst, playing devil’s advocate. It’s not negativity. It’s experience. It’s lessons learned the most playful way. I’ve really lost job opportunities over that one misdemeanor from so long ago. All my brief job stints have impacted how I am viewed. I can let it go, but I can’t move on if my past has tainted me and no one will even roll the dice on me.

And perhaps the cruelest part of all this shiny happy therapy is that you start to believe it. You let your guard down. You’re all pumped up on the “The past is the past, I can do this” party line. Thing is, a positive attitude and “let’s do this” mind state do not make you stable enough to handle the stresses others can. In a way, it’s building you up for failure when your attitude fails to veto your mental illness. The therapists may mean well, but I think they’re a bit sadistic. Admitting you do have limitations due to a disability is not the same as refusing to try. Frankly, I can tell myself a thousand times if I flap my arms hard enough I will be able to fly like a bird. Silly? Well, is a therapist telling you that you can do anything you set your mind to. With bipolar, what your mind is capable of in May could change by June. It’s setting you up to fail. You can live in the now. Bipolar has a way of changing the now without really informing you.

The defeat felt when assuring people, like employers, that you are stable and capable, then failing…And failing those who gave you a reference…Agonizing. Humiliating. And avoidable, with a little bit of compassion and leeway from society. Ya know, the same society with all the laws for wheelchair access, no discrimination against those with disabilities. Which oddly doesn’t apply to the mentally ill. People with knee issues can have a place to sit on a job. If you have panic attacks or abrupt mood swings, there is no hitting a button for ” a break” so you can ride it out and gather your wits. There are no mental health sick days. Your disability is invisible so no concessions need to be made. You are just one more normal little worker bee.

The common societal myths toward bipolar and depression are a hindrance and a disservice. You get celebrities preaching about how they take one pill a day and are cured. (Fuck you, Demi Levato and your pro-Latuda tour supposedly to raise awareness of mental health issues, they sponsored your ass to promote their poison.) The assumption made is if so and so only needs one little pill and they’re productive and successful therefore every bipolar person can be and those who don’t are malingerers…It’s fucked up. While a singular axis one bipolar diagnosis is far simpler to treat, especially in those who respond well to medications, for every simple case there are dozens of us who struggle endlessly. We’re not malingering. We’re trying. And zero fucks are given because E for effort isn’t given after first grade.

I’m just so sick of “mindfulness”. I am glad, truly, that it’s proven helpful for many. Right on, rock the casbah, dudes. The “one size must fit all” mentality has to go, though. If something isn’t working for you, as an individual, you shouldn’t be made to feel like a failure.

As for the narrative therapy…I pretty much think that’s what blogging is, without the involvement of a professional. Of course, I don’t do the “view it objectively without positive or negative judgments of yourself” thing. I think as hard as I can be on myself, that’s Borg programming from those around me being so hard on me. It transfers but I think I’ve found a balance of admitting my flaws and mistakes, while acknowledging my small victories and progress.

And I do believe I have made true progress. Not with the bipolar as the meds still aren’t doing their thing properly. But as a person. My kid forced me to grow up, to be less self absorbed and selfish, to at least get my shit together to an extent. By giving myself time to process all that I’ve gone through and not caving into the “let it go, it’s the past” thing…I’ve been able to come to terms with many things. Even with The Donor. I was difficult and with who he was versus who I am…It’s a wonder we didn’t kill each other. I still hold a serious grudge for how he’s treated Spook, but as for me and him…I don’t care. It was wrong from the start. Had I not been unmedicated and preggo, I’d have seen that. I wouldn’t have let all the bad little thoughts control everything, I’d have followed my gut. Which told me, this is all wrong, it will lead nowhere good. That’s on me. I own it. A few years ago, I wouldn’t have viewed it that way at all.

Progress.

And most of it done without a therapist. Because the one I had was a little short tempered and kept saying, “You’ve spent the last forty minutes saying the same thing over and over and accomplished nothing.” Judgey much? This is how I work through things. I drive them into the ground. And eventually…I can see clearly. Having a therapist tell me what works for me is wrong is insulting and invalidating. Is it any wonder I don’t trust them anymore? I’d love to have someone to talk to when things are really confusing…Without trust, though…Nope.

So basically…I am not in favor of shiny happy therapy. It’s crap for some of us. It’s basically enabling denial. And when reality isn’t so forgiving and happy, it’s harmful to be put up on that pedestal.

Everyone is different. Go with what works for you. But for the love of pegacorns…Don’t judge me just because it doesn’t work for me. I’m not negative or being a downer. I am being honest about what is helpful to me. I promise I will TRY not to stick pins into my voodoo doll every time I see the word “mindfulness.”

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52 Responses to “The Uselessness Of Mindfulness”

  1. Mindfulness is the opiate of the middle class.

  2. *I flapped my wings for awhile ~ outcome? All the pigeons just laughed,,, My personal opinion, mindfulness ~ huge waste of my time & energy,,,

    • Careful or you’re gonna wind up in non compliant detention with me.

      On Sun, Aug 9, 2015 at 11:21 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • OMG more trouble! We’d get caught sneaking out for cigs, etc,,,

      • Damn, the kids in my school detention just lit up in class so they could get suspended and have a day off.

        On Sun, Aug 9, 2015 at 11:31 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Ooh, me, seriously, I really didn’t get detention/suspension, I just didn’t go to school,,, stayed home & got stoned

      • I had detention once. Most of the time, I was so sick of the bullying I was home sick. I missed so much they took my credits for the whole year and it was like, oh, hell no, I ain’t doing this shit again. So I quit. I got my Good Enough Diploma, whatever. I’ve learned more on my own than school ever taught me anyway. Those fucks were so inept, they didn’t even cover Studies of Mythical Creatures.

        On Sun, Aug 9, 2015 at 11:40 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Mythical Creatures,,, LMAO!

  3. Bullying was a MAJOR MAJOR factor too, SUX!. I have GED & work(ED) 16½ yrs clinical med assistant,,, & BP REALLY ruined that,,, imagine!?

    • I was super employee during the manic bouts. For eight months of depressive cycles, I was useless. Can’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t want that in an employee. Assfuck bipolar.

      On Sun, Aug 9, 2015 at 11:49 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Sounds alot like me, seriously, got top in MA, didn’t study at all, excellent MA, snapped, didn’t want me back & used excuses as not to violate AD law. Too bad we don’t live close, fun/trouble,,, keep our minds off our minds?! commiserate,,,

      • Can you imagine the sightings of two crazy women riding a giraffe through town? That would be awesome!

        On Sun, Aug 9, 2015 at 11:55 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Hahaha! Hell yeah!!!

  4. Celebrities on this advocacy trip make me laugh. If I could work doing something I loved, getting paid as much as they do, and being able to take super fucking long vacations between work (or even short ones with all the bells and whistles) then yeah — I would be the best actress in the world and pumping out movies like whoa. Seriously. They just need to shut the fuck up if they can’t be real and just spread further stigma with their bullshit.

    By the way, I am reblogging this. Because it’s just what’s on my mind. However my panic attack won’t allow it.

  5. Reblogged this on TRASH DIARIES and commented:
    I wrote about this a while ago and Morgue has illustrated precisely why this form of therapy doesn’t work for me. Again, neither of us mean to offend people that this works for. We just want others to understand this is how we feel, this is what happens when we “try” and we shouldn’t be punished, as therapists always love to do by scribbling bullshit on our medical records about “compliance,” just because their shiny statistics of success don’t apply to us.

  6. Reblogged this on blahpolar diaries and commented:
    Word.

  7. Oh god THANK YOU. Mindfulness upsets me. I only liked it when it was stopping me from having a panic attack in the shower- but even that can flip on its head and become bad. Case in point: I’m in the shower, focusing on how nice the gel smells, trying to ignore the fact that I feel terrified and suddenly, BAM! Soap in my ears. Major trigger. I have my eyes shut so I can neither see nor hear, so my brain tells me that I’m in my ex’s house… And a full – blown panic attack ensues. I’ve stopped doing that in the shower now because of how much my senses are on edge. Bad plan!!
    I think for anyone to say that you have to sit with your anger and drift with it, to live in the moment despite the fact that the moment is pure agony, has never really felt true pain and is probably selling something. I agree with you- realism isn’t always a negative, it’s just realistic. X

  8. Reblogged this on Advocate for Invisible Illness! and commented:
    I am reblogging this because even though right now I am about mindfulness, I am currently stable and may think quite differently when I crash. And I do believe they are right during my unstable times. So don’t come down too hard on me. I am sorry to be so different right now, but I am with you guys 100%.

  9. So much truth. It’s all fine and dandy to wax poetically about the “past being in the past”…until it walks up and punches you in the damn face when you’re just trying to get your shit together and live your life.

  10. I was running into ditches mood wise, hitting the old depths of my self loathing depression and all that jazz, or blues to be more apt!
    Most would say “cheer up, look on the positive” or “do something positive” and all that crap, which works for some… I wrote a sucicide note and deleted it, listened to late lounge and breakthrough… Got a load of crap done
    Not sure the shiny new therapy would recommend that, but damn it worked!
    So my advice, stare that fucking demon down and don’t let it stand in your way, and if that doesn’t work… Tick the sucicide box and get free counseling for a while!
    It’ll last five minutes but at least that’s five less minutes of feeling like crap!!

  11. La Sabrosona Says:

    Bipolar depression and a shitty resume. Yep, I’m raising my hand to that. I had a prospective employer ask me when I was planning on growing up as I had just come back from teaching English in China and there were huge gaps. All of this makes sense. Thank you for the validation. Nice to know someone else gets it.

    • I think what irks me most is that people do reduce it to something like immaturity, or lack of skill or intelligence. Most bipolar people are highly intelligent and skilled. It’s the disorder’s instability that wreaks havoc on us and we have to go through life with that scarlet B worn for all to see. It taints us so even when we try to do better, we are still dismissed. It’s unfair because no one would think twice if someone had spine surgery and a six year employment gap due to complications. Yet with mental issues..We’re just flaky and immature. Not right.

      • La Sabrosona Says:

        No, it’s not right. I agree. The main problem with mental illness is the parallel with average thoughts and feelings. What is the difference between bipolar anger and anger or bipolar sadness (depression) and regular variety sadness. One is spicier than the other. One tastes like Frank’s Red Hot Sauce and the other tastes like a freshly masticated whole scotch bonnet pepper. You and I know the difference but the “mentally stable” people just don’t.

  12. *sigh* Long employment gaps? Yes. Super woman then can’t be asked to do shit? Yes. I am outta dat loop but feel bad for ya. Been there many years. Feel good therapy does shit when your head can’t let go of berating you. And don’t even get me started on the motherf***ing adages. Talk about fucking bipolarity loaded into speech!

  13. I have to thank you for bringing me back from the grave and Bipolar Dyke for reblogging it. My thoughts exactly on the way we are battling all the time and getting nowhere over and over again. Some people with mental illness are fully functional when it comes to work and to stay independent for most of their lives. In resume, I can relate with most of what you said, I am on a verge of giving up on fighting so dam hard and still getting nowhere, as if I have done nothing all my life. I wonder, if I stop giving all I have will good things happen? That would be the 1st but I am curious because the more I fight the less I have in return. This society does not function by merit. “Minorities” don’t matter to this dysfunctional world, only money and mediocrity does. I wish I could be mindfulness about my past and especially my future because I’m completely lost and I can’t fix it, I’m about to lose the last pillar that is preventing me to become a big zero. My mind is full, I wish I could see a zen person in my shoes right now for a full year to see how he/she would cope…

  14. my family does not want me around, I have been disinvited to events like weddings, yet my alcoholic sister who creates scenes is always invited. Finally I gave up on family and moved cross country. Then comes the employment bit…I had been a disc jockey but had resigned in a pique and got on a blacklist. Then the mergers and acquisitions made it so I was blacklisted for 50% of the stations in the country. Then automation made it so that most radio jocks weren’t needed, replaced by computers. So I learned a new trade: medical transcription. I was actually quite good at it. Then the day came where my meds stopped working and I was truly morbid. I couldn’t do my job with relish anymore. I felt paranoid that the other workers didn’t want to help me learn. All I could do was listen to Nine Inch Nails “The hand that feeds.” I know that the frontman for group is bipolar and the darkness of his music consoled me. I resigned. I applied for disability and got it right away. The government takes this bipolar stuff seriously.

    • My family is in denial, they just call my “problems” part of my personality because oh, yeah, this is some fun stuff.
      I hope the government is still taking bipolar seriously, I’m under review and haven’t heard a word in six months. I’m doomed if they cancel me out and I am, thank you bipolar, pretty much un-hirable at this point.
      I’m feeling more NIN Perfect Drug, I need it to get this bipolar shit under control.

  15. I wish I could clone my therapist for those of you with shitty ones.

    I have a whole rant in draft form regarding the light celebrities can shine on us if they wanted to, but how the media just won’t keep it there.

    My family mostly ignores what wrong with me. Any mention of my meds or my diagnosis or the really hard time I am having is met with an abrupt subject change.

    I wish that I knew what to do about all this. I’ve been in bed for 3 days, but since I’m sick, with actual coughing a shitty feelingness, nobody seem to mind. But, if I’m in here because I’m depressed and just can’t motivate it’s a guilt inducing issue.

    I wish I had something useful to say Morgue.

    • My family won’t discuss my issues because in their world, it’s all me being a shitty person. My brother has the same diagnosis and well, it’s okay because he’s younger and “not as intelligent” as me. Cos being smart definitely makes you not bipolar.
      I don’t have any answers. I bit someone’s head off today and they were all empathetic because I have cramps and they know that’s a problem I’ve always had. But if I am sad or whatever and snap,well, then I’m a beast.
      People-they are my problem.The stupid ones who can’t understand this mental hell-th crap, anyway.

  16. I honestly am starting to believe that all don’t understand. there’s no way they could, and even if they wanted to, there’s no one to tell them

  17. Linda Lee (formerly known as Alaina) Says:

    Excellent post.

    I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about 20 years ago. Spent nearly 10 years on every known bipolar med, finally labelled non-compliant because every drug they gave me made me feel so much worse and there was nothing left to try. I was also fired by my therapist who did not appreciate me not appreciating her for all her “help.”

    After that, I lucked out and found a new shrink who gave me hours and hours of psychological tests and then diagnosed me with severe PTSD, of the “complex” variety. He prescribed Lexapro, an antidepressant, which I took with no mood stabilizer for something like 8 years. I had zero manic episodes during that time so, bipolar I guess I am not.

    Bipolar 2 wasn’t my first misdiagnosis, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 14. But when I was 16, a new shrink took over for the old shrink (who committed suicide) and I was re-diagnosed as: not schizophrenic, but sane. Yeah, right!

    Spotty employment history? Oh boy, I have a spotty EVERYTHING history. I’ve been married… uh… it’s embarrassing to admit this…. gulp…. 5 times.

    Mindfulness? Oh yeah, that really helps. NOT.

    For the past couple of years I have been on just one prescription medication, which is a low dose thyroid replacement hormone. Other than that, I self-medicate with grape seed extract (a powerful antioxidant that I believe helps keep me looking so young, in addition to perking me up emotionally), fish oil (it’s the best mood stabilizer I have found, just keep it refrigerated and take it with food or you will burp fish all day), and a modest assortment of vitamins and minerals, especially calcium and vitamin D3, with vitamin K2 to utilize the calcium so it doesn’t go into your arteries and heart and kill you. Vitamin D3 really seems to help with depression. Other than these supplements, which I buy online from Swanson Vitamins, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol, I do drink lots of filtered water, I try to eat a fairly balanced diet, and I get my endorphins pumped up by taking a brisk 30 minute to 1 hour walk with the poodle most days, or I jump on a mini trampoline to music when the weather is nasty or I don’t feel like going out into the world. If I go more than 2 or 3 days without physical exercise, I can feel my mood start going down. I also got completely off all caffeine — even though I love coffee, tea, cola, and chocolate — but WOW what a HUGE difference it made! No More Anxiety Freak-Outs!!! NONE!!!!

    It took me about a year of doing an ultra-slow taper to get completely off the antidepressant drug, before I began to feel like a normal human being and could do things like brush my teeth every day. I’ve been on this regime now for going on a year and a half, and I seem to be doing pretty darn good — the best, in fact, that I have functioned in my 60{ years. But… employable? With my history? Sadly, no.

    As for therapy, the most helpful things that I have found, in no particular order, are the following: 1) online mental health blogs written by people like you, 2) self-help therapy books, (but only the ones that are realistic) 3) my little poodle snuggled on my lap 4) the aforementioned long walks, which I call “stomps” when I am in a bad mood, and 5) when my emotions and/or memories are overwhelming me, I talk into a voice recorder. I pour out my heart, the way I would do if I still had a good therapist I could afford to tell it to. Then, one day or a week or so later, whenever I feel ready, I listen to my recorded message and… it helps me HUGELY! It’s like I’m my own therapist when I do this!

    Mindfulness, though? It made me feel weird, unhinged from reality, almost like I was going back in time to 40+ years ago when I was a terrified, traumatized young teenage girl diagnosed with schizophrenia and thrown away by my family because there was “no cure” and I would be “happier” locked in a prison-like facility “with my own kind.” I have been scapegoated, ignored, and shunned by my family of origin since 1968. Because nobody likes to admit they are related to someone who was once a diagnosed schizophrenic. My multiple marriages, on top of my mental history, really put the nails in that coffin.

    Oh well, who needs ’em. With family like that, you don’t need enemies.

    Thanks for this great post!

    • I’m a big fan of doing what works for you as an individual…Just not fond of the “it works for me so it must work for everyone else” mentality. Lots of people, especially in this day and age, and as children, are labeled as mentally ill when in fact their problems are psychological as opposed to psychiatric. Glad you sorted out what makes you feel best.

      • Linda Lee (formerly known as Alaina) Says:

        Thank you. And I agree wholeheartedly with not being fond of the “it works for me so it must work for everyone else” mentality. If I hadn’t been led so far astray by that mindless mindset, trying so hard to be “compliant” with the “experts,” I doubt it would have taken sixty years for me to finally find what really does work — for ME.

      • I’m similar but opposite- every time I have tried to defy my diagnosis, deny it, shun big pharma…My life has gotten so much worse, which proves to me beyond shadow of a doubt that- there is a lesser evil in my case and that is with the meds and doctors, even if it pisses me off. I’ve gone to the extremes of hypnosis, color therapy, having my chakras aligned…Most progress has been with meds. I’m gonna go with that even if it isn’t instant or perfect. You do what is right for *you.*

        On Mon, Aug 10, 2015 at 9:20 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Linda Lee (formerly known as Alaina) Says:

        I understand and agree. For me, only the diagnosis of Complex PTSD really fits. And, in my case at least, that’s not about brain or blood chemistry, it’s about multiple extreme traumas that go all the way back to my earliest childhood memories. It’s kind of hard to grow up sane in a house that is a literal war zone.

  18. swtswtsue Says:

    Coming from the complete opposite end of the spectrum (I’m currently taking a ride on the mindful cuckoo train), I sincerely appreciate your honesty. I admire everything about it. Thank you for sharing such a thought-provoking post. I loved it, and I genuinely mean that. (No, I’m not trying to be annoying, either, haha.) 😉

    “What works for the individual” – that’s what I especially loved about this post – your open-mindedness. This stuff doesn’t work for you, not in the least. But you acknowledge that it may actually work for others. I truly appreciate that.

    After 13 plus years of therapy (mostly CBT and exposure therapy), I’m slowly detaching from the traditional psychiatric medical model. It just doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m tired of “labeling” my “labels.” I know I’m messed up, and that’s good enough for me. Never in a million years would I think that I’d end up here, but here I am – wearing lavender oil, chiming my bells, and doing my hippy trippy dippy dance. Yeah, I’m THAT girl, more or less “celebrating” my mental illnesses. It REALLY is as crazy as it sounds, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

    I didn’t realize that the whole concept of mindfulness comes across as a “one size fits all” type of deal. That type of mentality is complete bullshit! It makes zero sense. Thankfully, I wasn’t taught to practice it in that way. We’re all different, you know? Thinking in a “one size fits all” manner would negate that. I’m not buying it, either.

    Mindfulness, in combination with a Process-Oriented Psychological approach, are the only avenues that have ever cracked my surface. I really am one of the weird ones. And the whole concept of “letting it be” doesn’t work for me, either. I’ve had some challenging conversations with my teacher about this. I constantly question authority; it’s part of who I am. On that same note, I don’t have the ability to just let the past be the past. My past has seriously messed me up – it’s the reason I’m currently receiving some heavy-duty therapy! And my criminal record and shitty job history aren’t doing me any favors, either.

    Honestly, I know that practicing mindfulness isn’t going to solve my problems. Hell no. My disorderly conduct/resisting arrest (and several other charges) won’t magically disappear from my record after I do a body scan. However, practicing mindfulness has gotten me through several potential panic attacks… Freaking out in backed-up traffic… And coming close to beating the shit out of some family members.

    My mind never rests. You know how it is… Racing thoughts, restlessness, insomnia, that feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin, and all that other fun stuff… It’s still there. It’ll always be there, but I’ve actually gained some kind of handle on it. Nothing revolutionary or anything like that, just a tiny little ounce of balance and control. I never thought that was possible. Never.

    I’m certainly not a “one size fits all” kind of person. I don’t want to promote that kind of bullshit. So, really, thank you so much for your input. Taking a look at things from your perspective has been an eye-opening experience.

    Namaste (I kid. I kid.) 😉

    • I am a firm believer in “personality type.” Yours wouldn’t find free range therapy useful whereas my type doesn’t find the “batten down the hatches” doesn’t work for me. I may not wave pom poms for your “popular” method but I also won’t invalidate it. It works for you- that’s what matters and I support it completely.

      On Mon, Aug 10, 2015 at 10:50 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  19. I snapped at my husband for sending me a screenshot of a post made by a supposed bipolar woman saying the disorder isn’t that complex. It’s just a simple chemical imbalance like diabetes or something. Bruuuuh I want to kick her ass and his ass for showing me that shit. But I wanted to ask if you’ve found any kind of therapy to be helpful?

    • Talk therapy has helped during the major bouts of depression, to an extent. But the counselors point out that most of the time when stable or manic, I really don’t need to see them often. The instant everything falls apart is when I come unglued and need that type of support.

      I think the most useful “therapy” I’ve found is auditory calming and scents that soothe me. I love the sound of rain, thunderstorms, crashing ocean waves…Having that in the background kind of gives a soothing quality amidst the chaos. And the smell of rose and mint- those also bring me a little distance from all the chaos around me. This can only work at home, though I used to carry a tissue in a baggie in my purse that was soaked with mint oil. That way if I started to come undone in public, I could step aside, breathe it in, and it helped. Sounds nutsy kookoo but it was far more useful than all their cognitive and light therapy crap.

      And that woman who said bipolar isn’t complex…It’s not if you’re axis 1 and have no med resistance or other diagnoses. That’s easy to treat once you find a med that works. It is very complex for med resistant, and especially, axis 2. Most of us are on multiple meds rather than just a ood stabilizer because we do spend more time “low” than manic. Manic is functional territory so yeah, axis 1 is good all around. Depression is not a high functioning state and that’s where the complexity begins. Your husband really needs to be educated on the matter. Invalidating your struggle based on the overly simplified view of one person is just wrong.

      On Tue, Aug 11, 2015 at 11:18 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  20. My last therapist was a “mindfulness therapist.” She asked me not to see her again after I told her I wanted to quit working as a whore and start my own business as a dominatrix. At first she thought I was joking, then the following week she told me to find another counselllor. This was after 4 weeks of just doing the same thing over and over, and she didn’t seem upset about taking money that I’d earned from the job she was judging me for having.

    • Crappy therapists have become the norm, unfortunately.
      Dominatrix, huh? I find such things interesting. I’m not sure about inflicting pain but I think with my dominant personality, I could do that job.
      Sadly, I live in the rural midwest so the dominatrix market is small.
      Hopefully you ignored that idget therapist. Do what you want for a living and don’t let them label it and judge you for it. That’s the antithesis of therapy.

      • You could maybe do online if you wanted to pursue it? No clue how that actually works but I hear it’s a thing. It’s mostly the control rather than pain that people wanted. I ended up quitting in the end because I got annoyed with some of the people that kept contacting me. Although actually I had a damn good time with the clients I did see (and I’m not dominant generally) but I didn’t like having to tidy my house and put my rabbits away. Which was a shame because I haven’t found any other jobs that let you wear PVC and killer heels to work… Am considering pole dancing but I’ve been trying to get to lessons for like 3 weeks and it just hasn’t happened yet. Plus there’s literally only one club in my city, so once I’ve fucked that up after a few weeks I’m probably left driving really far or finding a new job…

      • Would you know a direction to point me in for this on line domination thing? I can’t do normal jobs without my mental shit messing it all up. Working from home on a computer sounds like my cup of tea. Just not sure what search term to use.

        On Wed, Aug 12, 2015 at 3:28 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Yes. I don’t know whether there’s a specific one for a wider American audience as I’m in the UK but there are two main sites where people go to pay you to domme – and while they’re geared up towards more generally vanilla stuff, you set your own limits and they each have a fairly good rep for paying out regularly. Adultwork is the most popular one in the UK but they are mostly aimed at face-to-face vanilla stuff, but they do have a lively and busy community of people who will pay to watch you be mean to them on camera. Otherwise, there’s one called Jasmin.com, but I don’t know if they’re 100% vanilla (they are an online-only website though so you only have to use your webcam and dress up a bit as far as I know). Again, you set your own limits so you don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Then you’ve also got the option (that I went for) of just putting your own site up, if I’d done this online rather than face to face, I would have been getting people to pay me via paypal (instead of cash in hand), and doing sessions over skype or a similar videoconferencing system. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Fetlife (it’s no good for getting paying customers) but it’s a complete goldmine of information about how to domme, what equipment you can use, and there’s loads of people on there who are in online relationships so they have good suggestions about long-distance methods of control and coercion. One warning with FL though if you’ve never used it – it’s not always a friendly community and if you land in the wrong forum, the bitchy straight sub women (they’re not all like that but there’s a huge crowd of people who tick all those boxes) will tear you a new one because they’ve got nothing better to do. It’s a good site for info though. I will try and get round to writing a full article on this with resources because I’ve been meaning to look into it more deeply for ages. Sorry this is LONG and I’m not sure it’s very coherent but I hope so!

      • ​Thanks for the information, I appreciate it. I’ve long wanted to do something out of the ordinary for a living and this sounds interesting.​

        On Wed, Aug 12, 2015 at 3:44 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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