Scorched Retinas

It’s a bright and sunny morning and instead of it nurturing my soul and lifting my mood…I just find it irritating. The sunshine is scorching my retinas. I much preferred yesterday’s wet gloom, not out of any depressive affect but because I don’t get headaches when exposed to gloom. Sunlight is a headache trigger, even if none of the doctors believe me. I’m sensitive to light, sue me. I recognize the necessity for sunlight in relation to health and mood. I just think small doses suit me better than overdoses.

Woke up to the third kitten dead. Burying dead animals…Not my favorite. And it feels like that’s all I’ve done for the last year is bury the dead. One more reason not to form attachments, the loss is never proportional to the gain. Or is that the depression talking? Because I really am normally a “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” type.

Thus far I’ve done fuck all this morning. Talked to my dad on the phone for an hour. Told him about Spook’s episode yesterday and rather than blame me, he showed concern and went so far as to blame his genetic line because his grandmother was schizophrenic and died in an asylum. This is a big step for him because he’s been in denial of the damaged genetic line on his side all my life, wouldn’t discuss it, blamed my mom’s “crazy” side. For him to face that there’s flaw on his side, to show concern rather than go on a tirade like he used to about it being too little discipline…It’s just huge. So I guess I am going to make an appointment with her pediatrician at some point, show her the footage I taped, and see if she will at least entertain a referral to the (my) shrink. (Who, ironically, is her husband.)

Spook is back to her normal self. For now. She started going down the rabbit hole all over again last night when the words “bed time” set her off. I was in no shape for round two, I sent her to her room and let her work it off until she zonked out. I feel monstrous when I don’t tuck her in (for all the good it does, she gets right back up four or five times) but what I learned yesterday..engaging with her during such episode made it all the more worse. Best thing I can do is make sure she’s not a danger to herself, remove the expensive stuff from her room, and let her ride it out. I didn’t shut her out. When she came to my room later and asked for snuggle buggle, I let her cuddle up to me. I just saw that my being nice, talking calmly, made her more angry. Better to let her deal than feed the fury.

I haven’t made a single move to go to the shop with that power supply for R. I’m dealing with all this other shit, not that he cares cos it’s not about him, and I’m feeling resentful for the expectation of me to drop all. I’m also filled with dread for tomorrow’s fiasco, I mean, party. Riding with mom and sis, being at their mercy, is gonna suck. I’m gonna put on my happy face for my kid, but it’s my mom’s show, it’s not even about my kid. It’s about mom getting to be the good guy for spending all this money for a show. That’s depressing as hell.

For all the fits and petty words, I know my kid adores me. Maybe that’s why the words don’t mean much to me. I’ve talked a lot of shit during my episodes too, only to come to my senses later and realize maybe I meant it during the rage but once that was gone…It was like being possessed, it wasn’t the real me.

Onward with my scorched retinas.


5 Responses to “Scorched Retinas”

  1. dat heat

    do you live in a city environment? feeling the heat of the sun bounce off the concrete is not my idea of fun.

    • Nah, I’m in a humid rural area. I find the heat oppressive because it causes me to sweat and I have a ph imbalance which basically makes me allergic to my own perspiration. Direct sunlight on my skin makes it even worse. For whatever reason, the doctors think it’s some affectation but it’s really not. Between the sunlight headaches, the sweat induced rashes- heat and sunlight are miserable for me.

      I shoulda been a vampire but all the blood sucker positions were filled. They’re called psychiatrists.

      On Thu, Aug 6, 2015 at 10:00 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


  2. I gotta pair of sunglasses you can borrow-they’re called Vampire Black

  3. I’m glad your dad stepped up like that. Hope it holds through. There are a lot of people with fucked up brains in my family. Both sides. We just never discussed it until me. I’m really the only one to admit a problem in the family. Everyone else just hides it.

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