Sedatives, Sleep, Siri-ously?

I took my first Restoril (however it’s spelled) last night around 9:40 p.m. Then waited, fully expecting the floor to drop out from under me like all other sleeper meds cause. And waited. And waited. It took over an hour before it even slowed my brain down. Then longer before sleepiness became sleep. And BAM. I woke up before midnight. My head sort of hurt. I slept. I woke. I slept. I woke. Around 5 a.m. I woke andΒ  my head was aching and I was still groggy but my mind was freaking out…So I took .25 Xanax and went back to sleep.

So not a coma med since it didn’t even touch the sleep/wake cycle. Also, not the pill of death because I don’t feel terrible right now. Little sluggish but I’m not a daywalker so that’s normal. Anyway…That’s the “morning after” portion of my sleeping pill experience.

One of Shade’s newborns died. So sick of burying dead cats. It’s sad but not a tear can be mustered. Thank you, psych meds. Crying 24-7 isn’t optimal but not being able to squeeze out a solitary tear when it’s appropriate..assfuckery.

I spoke to stepmonster on the phone last night about Spook’s school supplies. She filled me in on my brother’s appt with Dr B (my shrink.) They raised my brother’s mood stabilizer cos he’s still aggressive and anti social. I had the stupidity to say something to the extent of, “You remember how I used to be with ups and downs and I’m not like that anymore.”

Oh, Niki, Niki, Niki, so stupid when talking to family.

Her voice gets all tentative and she says, “Well, not as much but you do bite our heads off sometimes.”

Yeah, when I am pms-ing. Or you show up unannounced and expect me to stop what I am doing to fit your schedule. Or the car breaks down and dad screams at me like it’s my fault cars have problems. None of which is related to bipolar.

It took every fiber of my being not to go off on her. I am so fucking sick of having perfectly logical emotions like anger dismissed as some abnormality exclusive to bipolar disorder. I’m not in denial that often bipolar and depression distort things and cause reactions that are out of proportion to the situation. And to get this shit from her and my dad, who don’t know how to communicate except with loud voices, lots of swearing, constantly interrupting others, and talking over you…Yeah, my self control has been perfected and is immense.

Bipolar people are so brainwashed, we constantly apologize for perfectly normal feelings. That we’re invalidated to this extent makes me want use a nail gun like an Uzi and spray people down. People use our bipolar against us so no matter how logical our reaction, we are easily manipulated into thinking they’re right, we’re wrong ‘cos we don’t perceive things properly, and we end up apologizing and feeling guilty. Such a crock of shit. And women have it especially tough because of ya know, hormones and the age old man adae, “women are too emotional and hysterical.” Yes, because we can show emotion, we are totally irrational whereas you and your bottle it all up then blow up method is much more intelligent.

Just pissed me off, cos it happens all the time, especially with R. “Are you hormonal?” No, you’re just a dickhead who said something insensitive to piss me off. Logical.

I could even second guess myself on this whole rant. Surely, it’s just me being dramatic. Nope. Being manipulated into thinking you have less right to have feelings because your chemicals are imbalanced should piss me off.

On with the day. But not without this gem I found on youtube. It’s always fun to mock Siri, even when she’s trying to do the smart thing. (It’s like sixty seconds long, ffs, turn off your ADHD and watch it)




8 Responses to “Sedatives, Sleep, Siri-ously?”

  1. hahha ok that was worth watching :D.
    The point you make about acknowledged mental health conditions being used against the sufferers is a pretty big one, and so true. Such a difficult topic, love how you can sum it up in rage and beauty πŸ™‚ (I know I’m being too nice you hate me. sorry)

    You are right about our illness being used against us. Oh, I’m sorry that I’m emotional because I have feelings and I’m not a fucking wall! ARGH! Sorry about the kitten πŸ˜₯ I’ll cry for you, then ride the giraffe over with the IV. Hopefully tonight will be better with the restoril. Or it’s all just shit. Nah, it’s just you πŸ˜‰ LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOU

  3. πŸ˜₯ poor kitty baby! >^β€’^< so sorry

  4. Restoril is a bit of a bitch. When I started it I still had trouble sleeping. Then it kind of hit a sweet spot and I was sleeping great. Now, it’s becoming ineffective again. Or it’s this mixed episode. Or both. I hope you get some good results quickly! – The video was hilarious!

    • I acclimate to all meds, pretty much, even OTC stuff like Melatonin, so I’m not expecting miracles. It’d be nice if it’d just kind of tidy things up after so many months of disturbance. I rarely have trouble sleeping during my seasonal depression so this pill thing to sleep is def temporary.

      I find mocking Siri hysterical. If you’ve never seen it, you should watch “If Google was a Guy 3” on youtube. Too funny even when you;re funny bone is impaired like mine.

  5. Siri is a BITCH! But,,, she’s a really funny BITCH! LOVE YOU MORGUE!!!!!!! ❀

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