Fire Hydrant

Some days, you’re the dog, and some days, you’re the fire hydrant. It’s hydrant day for me. Minus cold water to even cool me down and wash off the dog pee.

I think because I am a realist, I have a decent grasp on the way life goes. Things go wrong, shit happens, it ain’t always personal.But sometimes, it feels pretty fucking personal.

All was okay if sweaty, the stereo was installed, we came back to the bubble..I went to fix myself a chicken sammich, nuke the chicken patty sixty seconds…Then the kitchen floods with stench and smoke and I opened the microwave to find a charcoal circle and realize…I hit 600. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I never did eat, I was busy getting the place aired out before Spook had a conniption and declared the house was burning down.

I cooked myself a good supper. Then decided to transfer some files from laptop to external hard drive. I was not amused to try it on two different pcs and get told that the drive is corrupted and unreadable. OMFG, are you kidding me? I waited eight months before I finally transferred all my Dr Who, Torchwood, Profiler, eight seasons of Supernatural…It was a like new drive Bex gave me, not even a year old…And now I’m out 365 gigs of all that shit I just transferred last week.

I TRIED TO BE POSITIVE AND BREAK FREE OF MY SO CALLED PESSIMISM AND TRY A DEVIATION ‘FOR MY OWN GOOD’…

And all my shit is gone. No, I didn’t back it up to a cloud. I thought having an external hard drive that was brand new would be okay. My other external is six years old and fucking peachy keen. This shit happens every.single.fucking.time.I.ignore.that.feeling.in.my gut.

I could just fucking cry…Well except the meds won’t let me squish out a goddamned tear. So my anguish and disgust become anger as it’s the only true emotion my meds and current mental state will permit.

I know it ain’t personal, shit happens, but damn it…

Oh, and while absolutely sweet even though it doesn’t concern me…Some guy was cashing in winning lottery tickets earlier and handed my kid a five dollar bill as he was leaving. Because she’s cute.

Definitely a fire hydrant day. In spite of that, aside from being overly warm and just disgusted, I’m not drinking bleach, I’m not wielding a machete and chasing neighbors. That’s the biggest difference between a stable mind frame and unstable one. People think it’s all triggered by little things that happen daily, that it sends us flying apart, shrapnel and brain everywhere. We can handle shit going wrong, even if it’s demoralizing and makes us want to stab knitting needles into our voodoo dolls. Hell, when my transmission blew up last year, I wasn’t in the dark place and while furious…I didn’t fall apart.

Not because I am cured or manic. But because it happened when my mind was in a more solid space. Being bipolar, that can mean minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Rolling with the punches is easy. Being stable enough is the challenge.

I could come apart tomorrow, which is pretty much my norm, considering how many days I did in the dish this week. I’m fully expecting landing on my face which is just my mind’s reaction to stress and anxiety, it needs to break down to recharge and build back up.

I’m just hoping it waits until after Spook and I hit a few yard sales. I borrowed money from R for just that purpose, in hopes of finding her some decent used clothes over in the ritzy subdivision sales. (Yes, I know, the horror of an abusive mom making her kid wear used clothes, oh fucking suck it up.) I doubt come morning I am gonna be all excited, cos I don’t do mornings, especially with my sleep problems, but I think I am gonna force myself to hit a few. R put a little gas in the car last night, I have a little cash, hell, Spook has her own five dollars to spend. Why the fuck not.

After that…I can land facedown in the abyss for all I care. With her birthday and all this school shit coming up…I’m gonna let myself wallow every chance I get as a way to recharge.

I got my new debit card in the mail today, it renews every August. Everything looks official, I called the activation number, got the same messages as always, balance will transfer, routing numbers the same…Yet I can’t shake this dread that, what if it’s a scam, what if the balance doesn’t transfer, what if what if what if. Until Monday when I use the card and know for sure, there’s no assurance even the company can give me. That’s just how I am. All it takes is one tiny computer glitch or human error to totally fuck me and I live in terror of it.

Further terror inducing is all that shit my dad told me about a local trailer park being auctioned off for taxes. I saw more people moving out and logic says, ya know, first of the month IS when people move out to avoid paying another month’s rent. What does my idiotic brain think? OMG, THE SKY IS FALLING, DAD IS RIGHT, WE’RE GONNA BE HOMELESS COS EVERYONE’S LEAVING AND THAT MEANS THEY’RE SELLING THE PLACE! I have every intention of confronting the landlord (again, as dad told me this same thing last year when landlord’s name was in paper for non payment of taxes on this property) Monday. I’ll be damned if I am giving him 70% of my check for rent if I’m just gonna be evicted when the sale is made. Fuck a bunch of that shit.

All I can do is hope it’s not the case. Not enough Xanax on the planet to quell all this anxiety. (I want my cake vodka IV, Diane, get that lazy giraffe over here!) (And p.s., it’s really fun bantering with you, woman, even if you are blasphemous and like sunshine and heat! <3)

I think I’m done. Two long ass rants in one day, one would hope I’ve purged all the typed vomit there is. I could probably do some more but the laptop is sticking to my sweaty legs so..Hasta la vista.

I’ll be back…

 

 

 

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16 Responses to “Fire Hydrant”

  1. Me & Jake will be there with all those goodies, (Mmmm,,, Cake I.Vodka,,,) at 8AM tomorrow. I may be blasphemous & yes LOVE my hot, humid, sunny weather (one of my life’s few joys ~ maybe the mixed -> euphoric mood??). Oh. My. Dildo!! I LOVE ‘the fire hydrant or the dog’ analogy!! I’m so stealing that!! Anywho,,, giraffe & I’ll see ya at 8:00. Earlier if he inhales any of the neighbor’s meth fumes, gets wired & speeds through the night. Imagine a cop trying to pull over a live giraffe clocking 100 mph down the highway at 2:15 AM with me on his back chugging booze. Getting ready to leave now, ❤ ya. PS I'll bring breakfast! Lol

  2. I’m not shoppin-I’m getting my tattoos!

  3. WTF about the external HD? What’s the purpose of having one if it eats all your shit? Damn it. Technology. I should probably back up all my shit to the cloud. I’ve had this nagging feeling that my laptop is going to die…

    I’m out of Xanax officially. I only have Klonopin. I’ll get more chilled with wine than that. I’m going to need to figure out a way of sneaking alcohol into the house… and theft.

    • You poor thing, stuck with Tic Tac O Pin. This is why I purposely take less Xanax than I need when I can…I have a six month stash built up in case the new doc gets any bright ideas about giving me some shit like Buspar or Klonopin.
      Follow your gut and back everything up. i was “thinking about doing it” with all of Spook’s baby pics and stuff a couple years ago…And came home to find my laptop stolen, her pics gone forever.
      Technology, assfuck humans, it all wants to take our shit and make us even more miserable.

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