Bitch, poe-leeze!

Yep, I am watching  a documentary on haunted Baltimore and it made reference to Edgar Allen Poe, the “master of the macabre” to whose poetry people still flock to enjoy.

What. The Actual. Fuck.

Given, I’m not a literary savant and all, but how does he get to be admired as a master of the macabre but my darkness is viewed as some sort of pessimistic affect? In the words of the murderous Gage Creed in Pet Semetary, NO FAIR!

I came to the conclusion today that the doctor I see is a …PSYCHE!iatrist. Because he’s gotta be fucking with me. I went in, 1.5 mg of Xanax on board because right before we had to leave, Spook decided to have a screaming me about how horribly abusive I am. My sin? Making her put her shoes on the appropriate feet. I am a fucking a monster. But, I went in, a bit calmed yet still on edge. He asks, How are you.

Now, Spook has found books and toys in the office so she sits across the room being quiet, making me look like a histrionic for all my talk about her defiance and hyperactivity. One more reason for me to feel absolutely defeated. I told him, flat out, my energy is up with the Cymbalta and my former knee pain is non existent but I’m not sleeping and I don’t enjoy anything in life.

Now, after seven months of the interrupted sleep…Suddenly, he gives a fuck. He starts asking what I’ve taken. I tell him, making a quip about how I don’t want the Trazadone cos of the hangovers and I’d prefer to avoid the Ambien as I have no desire to sleep and drive. He was quick to point out that all sleep meds cause the hangover and while Ambien causes sleepwalking, all the reports of sleep driving and such are exaggerated and untrue because people mix Ambien with booze and drugs and THAT causes the bad side effects.

Sure. Just like I was totally making it up all the times I was on their assfuck Seroquel and drove over to see my mom yet had no memory of visiting her later and did NOT use a damned bit of booze or drugs.

He has determined Restoril (however it’s spelled) is necessary because I won’t get better until I start sleeping properly. I made it clear I have no use for the morning hangovers as I even get that from Melatonin. He gave zero fucks. I suppose I should whip out the pom poms and cartwheels since finally, the sleep issue is being addressed.

That seemed to be all he wanted to do. Every time I tried to speak, he started to speak, so we kept cutting each other off. But I wasn’t done speaking, so I think he was off base and just didn’t want to listen to what I had to say. I dug my heels in and absolutely demanded something be done about the lingering depression, especially with seasonal affective around the corner.

I asked, what about Wellbutrin, it’s supposedly good for seasonal affective and you suggested it months ago.

SUDDENLY, he says absolutely not as it is contraindicated for those with high anxiety. WTF, dude?

I asked about Depakote, as dual mood stabilizer therapy has worked for me before. He says, “I absolutely won’t prescribe it to women because it causes ovarian cysts.” Um, so the shrinks prior to you doled it out no problem and suddenly it’s a no no for women? HUH?

I asked about adding an other anti depressant, an SSRI with the SNRI, just for the seasonal months. He said it’s a possibility, but for now…Let’s just raise the Cymbalta to 90mg and it can go up to 120.

LAST MONTH HE SAID 60 WAS THE MAX DOSE FOR PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT, ANY HIGHER WAS PAIN MANAGEMENT!!!!

To add insult to injury, he told me to talk to him toward October about the seasonal since that’s when it would likely be starting up. HELLO? THE POINT IS TO HEAD IT OFF BEFORE IT FUCKING STARTS!

He ushered me out hastily and I asked, “Am I ever gonna enjoy things again?” And he flippantly says, “Yes, you will, you’re never in one mood cycle for too long.”

I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON, I’VE BEEN IN A DEPRESSION FOR TEN MONTHS NOW!!!!!!!!!! I’d say that’s pretty goddamned long to be in a mood cycle, especially one where I enjoy nothing, can’t keep up with daily life, and frequently want to drink bleach.

What the fuck is wrong with these doctors? I know damn well what he tells me at every appointment because I come home and fucking blog it! He suggests Wellbutrin…Nope, two months later, not viable. He says 60mg is the max dose of Cymbalta for psych treatment, higher is for pain. Nope, I took that wrong, too. He told me we’d discuss the seasonal thing long before it started. Nope, let’s wait until AFTER it starts, and btw, only treatment is light therapy, if I say otherwise, I’m mad as a hatter.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK.

I’ve thought, many times, over the years, that I need to take a voice recorder to every appointment because while I may be shaky at times, I am not prone to making shit up or hallucinating. I damn well know what they tell me, then next appointment, they tell me otherwise, which makes me feel like I am losing my goddamned mind even more. Yet ya know, if I did tape the session, then present them with the proof when they do their PSYCHE!iatrist bullshit, they’d label me paranoid and probably suggest hospitalization rather than admit their own assfuckery.

To say I walked out dissatisfied and pissed off is an understatement. I don’t disagree with the Cymbalta boost, especially since he’s doling it out in 30mg so I can either take sixty a.m. and 30 p.m. or I can do three split doses. That’s cool. (I am out until Monday ‘cos I tried to divide the capsules into the split dose and well, it did not go well.) This restoril (misp?) I’m not too familiar with, he says it’s a benzo for sleep and if it makes me too hungover in the morning, I can take it earlier at night. Yeah, that’s makes sense, let me take it at 7pm to avoid the morning hangover while my child marauds and plunders during my coma time.

Again, wtf are these fuckers smoking?

I’m gonna let that rant go, otherwise I won’t sleep at all.

After that particularly ass trashy dish trip, I came home and tuned it all out. Can’t get the new meds til I have money on Monday. I was deflated, to say the least, as I’d had a lot of hope for this new doc. I just get the feeling he’s doing the drive thru pill pusher thing without regard to what’s going on. Doctors think the therapists should take care of everything but the pills. I’m of the mind that if the pills aren’t working, there’s fuck all the therapist can do. To get the right mix, maybe you spend a few minutes listening to your patient and understanding why they’re having the issues they are. More knowledge about an individual could only help in hastening proper treatment. Too bad logic doesn’t apply in mental healthcare.

I lolled in deflation land for a bit. Then I started doing little things here and there, mainly cat boxes, cleaning the floor a  bit. I hit my wall and said, small goal met, time to just be disgusted with it all.

After being good for awhile, Spook started in on me again, about the time I finally started to calm down. It was like, I gotta get out of this house, get her around someone else to drive nuts or I am gonna claw my own eyes out. So I went to R’s so he could swap out my car stereo since the old one was DOA and I still had the good one from the Not So Grand Am fiasco. Pay money for a car and walk away with little more than a Pioneer stereo. Stellar.

While sitting outside, the bugs ate me alive. His wife was sociable but she was either very tired or very pissed that he was wasting his evening on my bidding. In my defense…He said he’d do it after my car broke down. That was a year ago. So pardon me, but waiting patiently for a year gives me the right to kind of jump on the chance to get it done when he’s willing.

In new feline drama…I had two missing kittens this morning, Zatar and Arsenic. Found them in my closet, buried under stuff, where crazy bitch Nightshade packed them. They’re not her kittens. At first, I thought it was some sort of feline grief response as when Brimstone died, Shady had no kittens left. Imagine my shock when digging in my closet turned up two newborn kittens and I didn’t even know she was pregnant again. It’s obvious they are very premature and none of her kittens live, anyway. Gotta wonder why she was hoarding the three month old kittens that belong to Juju in the closet when she had two newbies of her own to care for. I put her in with her noobs repeatedly and she just left them crying, came back to drag Jujus kittens off. Finally, I put her in a pet taxi so the kittens will at least be fed. Shade’s had about fifteen kittens and only two have ever survived, so I don’t hold out much hope.

I’m running a damned cathouse minus the awesome income the ones in Nevada bring in, ffs.

Now…I think it’s bedtime. I’m cooked. Cat drama, doctor assfuckery, and I still haven’t worked in a shower. Damn it. I am gonna try to sleep tonight with .25 of Xanax, nothing more. The morning hangovers suck worse than going on a week long bender with vodka. And hopefully tonight, I won’t have nightmares about Spook’s little friend J breaking in and trying to stab me in my sleep.

It’s totally normal to have dreams about being murdered by a five year old, right? Bet my doctor would say it is.

To hell with killing all the lawyers. Stupid doctors should be first.

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19 Responses to “Bitch, poe-leeze!”

  1. While I understand that meds must be necessary, this is the sort of account I hear all too often that makes me terrified of trusting doctors. Do they even know what they’re doing? Apparently not!

    • It’s daunting but I don’t do it for those idiots,. I do it because every time I get convinced to do away with the pills and just lick beams of sunshine, very bad things happen.
      Levels of necessary evil, ya know?

  2. I was actually thinking you should record your sessions and then you suggested it, lol. Seroquel did the same thing to me. The doctor convinced me to stay on it for six months (I’m not sure how… maybe because I was a suggestible zombie) and 60 pounds later I finally snapped. The weight is still here but at least I have a little bit of a memory again.

  3. What the what!?? Really! what the FUCK! Contradict yourself much Doc? Give a FUCK much Doc? Asshole FUCK much Doc?? Take this, no take this. Uhh,,, your symptoms aren’t bad enough yet,,, This fucking pissess me off! I’m really pissed,,, failed mental jellyfish care!!

  4. OH & I ❤ LOVE YOU MUCH BETTER THAN E.A. POE!!

    • YOU LOVE ME? YOU REALLY LOVE ME???

      (Looks around neurotically to see if a spork is planted in her back)

      Okay, you must be telling the truth and not just distracting me with kind words so you can stab me 😀

      • Nope, no stabby thingies here, they took ’em away when they yanked me off my giraffe! I was only bein’ groovy chasin’ people through the isles at three grocery store. It wasn’t even dark out yet! WTH!?! (yes I loves ya, never’d stab ya!!). 😉

      • You road a giraffe in a grocery store WITHOUT ME?

        Okay, you have succeeded in deeply offending me, congrats! 😉

        On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 9:52 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • You. Were. At. The. Doctor!! I. Was. Gonna. Getja. On. The. Way. And. Stop. Again. Butttt….Nooo!!!! They. Kidnapped. Me!!!!

      • 😉 STOP WINKING AT ME! DO YOU HAVE SUMPIN’ IN YER EYE?! LOL!! ;p

      • Yeah, giraffe dander and tears!

      • AWW, FUCK DUDE! NOW I FIL’ ALL BAD, YELLIN ‘N STUFF,,,

      • Well, I will forgive you this time, but next time you ride a cheetah through the woods, you best bring me along! And stop at White Castle, of course.

        On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 10:04 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Do they have good fries??

      • I haven’t been to a White Castle since I was like, six…I prefer Rally’s fries, myself, but we don’t have one in town. Oh, well, McDonald’s fries are awesome and there’s a Mickey D’s even at the local asylum, we’ll go there with our badass cheetah and THE CHEETAH WILL EAT THEIR INNARDS! While we eat fries and stuff. Bring your raincoat, it could get messy. And that’s just us having a food fight!

        On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 10:07 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • I’ve NEVER been to White Castle, non around here, don’t matter, i’m not much of an eater. But do love McD’s fries!! As for the cheetah, Absofuckintutely!! Food fight, food fight!!! Don’t go a rain coat, I’ll bring my umbrella! Dual usage, a “keep ya dry thingy” & a “sharp stab bad mean things’ thingy”!! Lemme grab beer, Jäger, my Pall Malls & I’ll be there soon as I can!! My Siberian Tiger’s name’s Pyewacket! He’s a good kitty with a hell of a meanstreak!!

      • Sharpen that stabby part if the umbrella, chick. I hate having to poke things multiple times cos stabby thing is too dull.

        On Fri, Jul 31, 2015 at 12:25 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Needle sharp Chicka!

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