Impetus Impotence

Yep. Impetus Impotence. I need Viagra for my giddy-up-and-go.

Less related to mood, ‘cos ya know, I don’t know what my mood is yet. That morning med dose sets off the hypomanic brain. I’ll know when it quiets.

This is because of my stupid brain and its refusal to sleep like a normal brain. I cryptified at 8 p.m. last night. Spook was still in rapid fire mode. Let her sleep in my bed just so she’d shut up. Took 1.5 melatonin (or melanoma, as Spook calls it) around 8:30. I was still awake at 2:30 a.m. What the actual fuck. Back pre spawn, I didn’t sweat it as much ‘cos I could sleep in or nap. Now…if I don’t sleep while she does, then I ain’t sleeping. So this sleep disturbance is really pissing me off. I don’t know how many times I *started* to drift off only to jerk awake. Almost like when you’ve had a sleep paralysis dream that scared you so much, you can’t bear to go back to sleep. This has been going on for weeks. When I did sleep…OMG, the fucked up dreams were mind boggling. I was watching/then living in the new season of American Horror Story:Hotel, except it had nothing to do with a hotel and the new theme was all peppy and I was fucking horrified. But then there was the character who skinned girls alive… There were other dreams about girls having babies, guns, robberies…I have no idea where it comes from.

Oddly, the most upsetting part was that the new season of AHS is gonna suck. Priorities, man.

I have zero plans today, which is good, because I have zero motivation. I have a sink full of dishes again, which irritates me. I have so few dishes when I have paper plates. Also, my kid has to use four different cups a day. I use the same cup morning to night. Come to think of it, outside of my alcoholic drinks (which belong in glass, of course) I’ve been using the same plastic skull cup for two years now. I wash it and all. I just don’t get the point of using multiple cups when you can just rinse the same one out. The donor did the same shit and I’m starting to wonder if some things aren’t genetically programmed. (Like leaving empty packaging in the fridge, wtf,Β  even I can be bothered to walk over to the trash can.) I need to fold clothes. Spook did the cat boxes yesterday so I’m not gonna sweat those much. I haven’t left the house since Saturday. The professionals would chastise me as this is apparently unhealthy. Well, let them put gas in the car and pay for the outings and I’ll go. Until then…Fuck off.

Because my mother tainted me with all her Enquirer and Star papers as a child, I am sort of drawn to shit like signing up for the Hollywood Reporter email updates. It’s not like I give a fuck about celebrities, it’s more keeping track of the shows that have been renewed, et al. But there was one last night announcing that Bobbi Kristina Brown had died and I murmured, “That’s so sad…” And of course, Spook can’t read that well yet, so she asked what was sad. I told her a young girl had died and it was sad. “Are you going to the funeral?” Spook asked. I guess my emotions come off a little too deep at times. I can’t help it. It’s sad when someone so young dies so tragically. I barely know of the girl other than her fucked up parentage…It still made me sad.

Going in another direction…I just wanted to say to those who have nominated me for blog awards that I seemingly blew off…I swear it’s not like that at all. I just got so far behind that I couldn’t keep up. I’m not without gratitude, I try to keep up,so please don’t take it as an affront if you took the time to nominate me and I didn’t even give a charming refusal speech. I’m behind on every front, truth be told. I can’t keep up when my depression is lingering.

I had a major panic attack last night when it hit me: SPOOK’S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT CHUCK E CHEESE IS NEXT FUCKING FRIDAY! I am so not prepared for this. Not that I ever am, regardless of my anxiety/mood cycle. Spook’s birthdays are traumatic for me simply because my mother turns it into such a “I spent more money, I love you more” spectacle and makes me feel like shit because I choose to payΒ  bills first, then worry about happy fun ball stuff. It’s so fucked up to have a parent chastise you for being too responsible. I don’t even know what that is. Besides. Spook is so young, she doesn’t grasp all this shit and she destroys pretty much everything she gets. A couple of years ago I spent almost two hundred bucks throwing her a party at home so all the neighbor kids could come. It was nothing but complaints. Fuck that shit. Ugh.

After the birthday anxiety comes the starting school anxiety. Once a routine is established I’ll be okay. But those first few weeks…It’s a bitch for me. Visits to the school/classroom, meet the teacher, parent night, at el. It’s not about me and I plaster on the smiley face and hit the Xanax salt lick…Doesn’t mean I gotta like it.

I wanna give a shout out to my fellow Volatile Femmes- Zoe, Sass, Blah, Tessa, Diane- much love to you all. You have been a life line for me. This includes you, too,Chris, even though you’re not a femme πŸ˜‰

Now…I am gonna contemplate pants. It always boils down to stupid pants. Hey, you live in a tin box in 81% humidity and tell me you wanna wear another layer of clothing.

Ha, I have pants-xiety.

I am so wrong.



15 Responses to “Impetus Impotence”

  1. You’re on a rooolllll! I just can’t with you! It’s the damn mania making me laugh at EVERYTHING!! Shit we’re all dooooomed!

    • I’m not even manic and I laughed my ass off yesterday talking to Diane. We’re all funny as hell, even if it makes us narcissistic πŸ˜‰ Now…About that drinking trip…Who are we gonna mug to fund it?

      On Mon, Jul 27, 2015 at 10:43 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • She was a trip yesterday! Yes, we are all narcissistic aren’t we? But YOU ate the glass and drank the Windex..special kinda shiny πŸ˜‰ Oh aren’t I beeyouteeful?! I talk about myself in the third person because first is below me. OMFG THIS MANIA!
        As soon as my settlement check from work comp comes in, it’s game on bitches! Or I could finally divorce DB and get half of everything..they’ll take about the same amount of time, so by Fall Break we’ll be Rollin in riches bitches. HA!

  2. First & MOST importantly ~ alcoholic beverages are too be drunk from THE BOTTLE!!!!! πŸ™‚ We ARE fucking hilarious ain’t we! πŸ™‚ I’m in a hypo BP buzz this past couple days,,, as always YAY YAY I like ittt!! (a fool not to!). As for our Bumfuck Trip, there’s a rich soma’bitch nearby we can roll, we can work some magic with our hotness he won’t even notice. πŸ˜‰ LOVE YOU GUYS TOO! ❀ :-*

    • *to (not TOO) lol! Can dress me up, but you (can’t make me spell) take me out! such a DORK πŸ™‚

    • I will drink cake vodka from the bottle but until my wussy ass is good and blitzed…I can’t do straight whiskey, gotta be watered down or mixed.
      I’m alcoholic lite, what can I say?

      • No not whiskey. Vodka, rum, no problem! (*I don’t do gin)

      • Fuck it, gimme Long Island Iced Tea, it’s got all that and the kitchen sink. I be so fucked up, Sass will be painting me head to toe in pink glitter glue, knowing it’ll take me days to sober up and get even!

        On Mon, Jul 27, 2015 at 3:10 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Well hell then, I’ll take LI Iced Tea && JΓ€ger shots & a Trashcan! Woo-hoi, let’s goooo!! πŸ™‚

      • Okay, this is embarrassing, but what exactly is jager? I’ve heard of it, hell, R even gave me a bandana I have on the wall he got when touring some sort of beer festival thing…But what is it? Cos I don’t do beer, but I am curious.

      • JΓ€ger(meister) /master hunter/ it’s a German liquor 70 proof, it’s a little thick, (not as thick as syrup) has a somewhat licorice taste (best ICE COLD shots) yum!! they tend to be mind erasers if 4+ shots,,, LOL. Dammit woman! Now I could have a couple!

      • Ha, I have mind erasers. It’s called trazadone! Not as fun as drinking, but same outcome. I feel like shit afterward and remember fuck all!

        On Mon, Jul 27, 2015 at 5:14 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • Trazodone def. works! I have 100 & 150 mg prn

      • Haven’t taken it in ages, makes me useless even the next day. Not worth the hangover, I’ll take melanoma or suffer πŸ˜‰

        On Mon, Jul 27, 2015 at 5:19 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:


      • I saw the ‘melanoma’/Spook thingy,,, cute (I saw many of them, most early, curable,,,) I don’t do my traz much either, weird(er) dreams! Smh

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