Anxiety Trigger 5,000: Why I Hate Phones

phone doomIs this logical? Nope. Is it a little insane? Yep.

It’s my truth. I am triggered by noise, by the unknown, by things I can’t control and catch me off guard, hearing bad news, being asked to do things, invited somewhere…

The phone is the device that sets off every single trigger.

Mind you, it wasn’t always this way. Oh, no, I was a normal kid/teen/twenty something. I loved talking on the phone. Phones didn’t scare me then. I am not sure when it started except after the Nardil interaction that hospitalized me…That was when I suddenly became psychotically triggered by noise, even normal noise others don’t notice. For me, it’s all coming through a bull horn.

Seems obvious. Put the phone on vibrate. I can do that with my cell. The home phone doesn’t have this feature. Unplug the phone? Then I get people coming to my door, which is just as traumatic.

Bottom line is, I just don’t like phones. That’s why the advent of chat rooms, instant messaging, etc, was a savior for me. Being able to conduct business on line via real time chat meant no awkward panicking waiting on the phone to make payment arrangements. If my mood was shit and someone wanted to talk, I could fake my way through and not have my every vocal fluctuation and micro expression analyzed.

In keeping with my own neuroses being neurotic…I can’t stand texting. I mean, it’s not like a hard trigger. It’s just that my prepaid plan costs a lot of money and I can’t spend ten hours bouncing back fifty texts (even if it would keep me calmer than a call).

So, where did this “phones are evil” rant come from?

One damned call. R called this morning (and prior to this, I was feeling meh, not freaked out or morose). That ONE damned call, for whatever reason, knocked my entire Jenga tower down. It something to do with a towel left at their house with blood on it, they thought someone was living in their basement. I had to explain no, that was the night the power went out and I was outside getting eaten alive by bugs so I went inside their house, in the dark, and grabbed a towel to dab off my itchy legs. Which I had apparently scratched to mega bloody trails and stained the fancy towel. Sorry. And he was cool about it cos he made a comment the other day about how bad my legs looked from the bug bites and me digging at them til they were bloody and scabby.

So if he’s not pissed about it and all is cool…

Why am I so off kilter? It wasn’t an act of malice. Had I not been in pitch blackness I’d have noticed I was streaming blood and searched for tissue instead of a nice towel. My bad. Oops. I feel shitty and embarrassed now. Guess my invite there is going to be rescinded for ruining a twenty dollar bath towel.

I was OKAY.

Thinking positively about what I might get done in spurts today since it’s cooled down enough.

One call and now I feel like such a leper I want to crawl into the closet because my panic disorder has set off all the fight or flight alarms and I feel…scared. Of what? It makes no sense.

Xanax took the edge off but…On what planet would any person, with mental issues or not, look favorably upon a device that can so easily send their tenuous stability crumbling down around them?

Now I just feel paranoid, anxious, lost, and I don’t care if I do nothing all day but sit here and stare off into space. The professionals would call it my personality and propose sitting me in a room with a hundred phones ringing all at once to “prove and rewire” me to know the noise is not going to kill me.

I don’t worry about hurting myself. When triggered so completely, I worry about that fight or flight thing causing me to inadvertently hurt someone else. That’s not relevant to the powers that be because they can rewire me to have impulse control.

I wish they’d wrap those wires around their own necks. Rewire that, assholes.

Phones are my kryptonite.

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5 Responses to “Anxiety Trigger 5,000: Why I Hate Phones”

  1. I have sensory overload with sound! Loud sounds, loud TV, (loud music at clubs,,,buffered by alcohol) repetitive sounds, rhythmic sounds, I used to ‘lose it’ with balloons popping & thunder (now ❤ thunder!). Problems with light: bright, strobing, flashing,,, i MUST have it dim/no light. My very core is triggered/set of by almost any innocuous stimulus,,, chemical alterations. (drugs/ETOH) *alcohol were my only real insulation, I feel ya. :(Lucky for me, I have no land line phone & I text 97% of the time

    • The light sensitivity for me started right around the time the sound thing did following the Nardil interaction. People started calling my home “the crypt” because I keep it so dim. I can’t help it, bright light sets off my anxiety and hurts my eyes and my head, I find it alarming. Prior to that whole incident, though, I had a “writing” room strung with multiple color string lights, lava lites, tornada lites, lightnight ball, bubble panels…I LOVED lighting. I mean, I would write by dim desk light but just all the colors and motion inspired me and soothed me.

      To go from that extreme to where my lava lites are coated in three years of dust because I never use them in spite of how much I love (d) them…There’s nothing this mental shit hasn’t robbed me of. Especially that old addage “if it’s too loud, you’re too old.” NOOOOO, not too old, love loud music. Central nervous system just much of a wussy to handle it.

      On Sun, Jul 19, 2015 at 1:29 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Egadz! Sux donkey balls, seriously! The SHIT I have problems with were always (Mom vouched for me) horrible triggers of doom for me even as a toddler. (Mind) LIFE terrorists!!

  2. I’ve also noticed how piercing some folks’ voices can be. Screaming babies and a certain decibel or octave of voice can grate on my nerves and I have to leave or put my earbuds in. I always attributed it to getting old, lol.

  3. I am terrified of phones. Even to my own family or from them. I have one out of necessity. Would be glad not to use it.

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