Morning Jolt

Some get their “morning jolt” from a cup of coffee or a soda. I get mine from my current med regime. 60mg Cymbalta,200mg Lamictal, 5 mg Focalin and we’re off into orbit for about 45 minutes. Followed by a crash landing and a sense of loss because, if you’re bipolar, you know how that manic buzz you can even feel in your scalp is addictive even when you know it’s a bad sign. Sadly, it’s the  bulk dose of Cymbalta that sparks it and it doesn’t matter what time I take it or if I separate it from the other meds.

My home tried to kill me last night! After an endless battle with my kid throwing a screaming thrashing mimi because I wouldn’t let her go outside after dark to catch lightning bugs…Finally got her down by 11 p.m. I was exhausted from the dish time and yet, my mind kept spinning. No sooner than I stared to drift off…BAM. Fan falls out of the window, which send the torchiere lamp crashing down on me in bed. I scrambled to get up and right things, and tripped on a cord, which unplugged everything, then I stumbled over this huge glass framed storm picture that was against the door and landed headfirst into the wall. Cursing the whole time. So there I was in a panic, trying to right things in the dark, and for everything I righted, one more thing crumbled down on me. I got the fan plugged back in and said fuck it, the rest could wait. It took me two hours to calm down after that. Storms that rip trees out by the roots? No problem. Attacked by my own home appliances? PANIC PANIC PANIC.

This was followed by bizarre dreams (a cat had a dozen kittens in the cab of my dad’s semi truck, I was wandering the town where I grew up with a video camera looking for flood damage, just fucked up shit.) I kept waking up, of course. Only to drift off to more dreams, wake up, lather, rinse, repeat. How long does this have to go on before the doctor considers it a problem? Of course, he’s in a catch 22 cos I won’t take Trazadone or the hypnotics that lead to driving in your sleep and Melatonin only helps me nod off, it doesn’t keep me down. Part of it is my kid, when I make her sleep in her own bed but her room’s been so warm, I’ve let her sleep in my room where it’s cooler and she pretty much sleeps through then outside talking in her sleep…So what is making me wake up every hour or two? And why suddenly all the fucked up dreams?

It all goes back to the Latuda/Trileptal debacle. And even I have been faltering on that since they’ve been out of my system awhile and still the problem persists. THEN I happened upon a video on youtube of a guy who took ONE 10mg Lexapro and resulted in brain damage due to adverse effect. Jebus! No wonder people shun meds. I mean, my life is so stunted without them, it makes me want to be brave and roll the dice. But if one dose can (even if rare) cause brain damage and wreck a person’s life…Wow, we should get medals of bravery for taking this shit.

Out of curiosity on the topic of mood swings/socializing…Is it just me or do others experience this weirdness? I was invited to do something yesterday “maybe” and I agreed…But as the day wore on, I kept praying for something to come up that would let me bow out gracefully as I was comfy and just in a solitary frame of mind. I was so relieved when the plan fell through. Is this normal, or at least for those with wonky brain chemicals?

(**I started writing this about 45 minutes ago, though it only takes that long because of the MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY interruptions, but already, my morning jolt is dying down.)

Found a couple of new shows I really like. One is called The Whispers and it really is awesome. I wasn’t expecting much, but I can honestly say I am impressed with how well written it is. Of course, you’d have to be into sci-fi-ish things to really enjoy it, I think. Some people would be unsettled or disbelieving that some unknown force is talking to a bunch of children through the lights and leading them to do bad things. It’s my cup of tea.

The other show is a half hour pseudo-comedy called Happyish. I almost gave up one the first episode. Glad I didn’t. Its approach to life these days is very realistic. Jebus, the parents swear more (and way worse words) than me. They’re all on anti depressants, they smoke weed and more importantly…They, like me, want to know…WHAT THE FUCK DOES HAPPINESS EVEN MEAN? The cartoon-esque sequences make it over the top yet hysterically enjoyable. (Like the lead guy getting it on with the old lady Keebler elf, the elves driving around Beverly Hills, an Amazon shipment box that talks to the female lead…It’s parody mixed with reality and it really is entertaining.

I found one scene particularly side splitting because it both mocks the anti depressant frenzy for anyone who feels “down” while displaying how, as parents, we want to wring the neck of the fuckers who created Frozen and that insipid “Let It Go” song. I won’t bore my non parental readers with childcentric crap, but I did post it on my antimommy blog if anyone is curious. It’s funny as hell even if you don’t have kids. (Plus, Lexapro was one of the meds that gave me heinous side effects and zero benefit so mock away.)

Now to motivate a trip into the dish. Not out of choice, but the power company gets a little itchy with their off switch if you don’t pay your bill by its due date and I have put it off as long as I can. Hate going out there. On the plus side, it’s not supposed to be as sweltering hot out today. But in keeping with my small goal, reward program…I have paying the power company mafia as my goal, and my reward will be coming home and telling myself I don’t have to a thing. Which hopefully will kick me into gear because sacred pegacorn knows these damn cats are useless with the housework.

 

 

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6 Responses to “Morning Jolt”

  1. We need to spank your house.

    As for agreeing to something and then hoping something happens to cancel it? The story of my life. It happens to me 99.8% of the time. It’s annoying as hell. I’ve since started saying, “I’ll let you know closer to the time.”

    Then fake a flu.

    • I’ve played out the menstrual cramps card (makes ’em too uneasy to pursue.) When I hit menopause, I am gonna have to get more creative.

      On Wed, Jul 15, 2015 at 12:46 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  2. Socially agreeing, then wishing for some,,, kind of excuse is almost always! Now that I have Jayden with me 2nd shift ,~ YAY! Woo hoo ! Is that sick or what!?!

    • Ya know, stressed as my kid makes me, I am lost without her. I appreciate the quiet and all, but…I guess absolute solitude when there’s someone you love who makes you feel less lonely isn’t quite ideal.

      On Wed, Jul 15, 2015 at 1:13 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • Oh yeah I drag Jayden work me (he just thinks we’re doing something fun, I get him a slushy, etc from convenient store,,,) my buddy! Definitely helps me!

  3. Yes I agree to do things then secretly hope for some catastrophe of epic proportions so I can have something to talk about at the “next” gathering…
    I think the Latuda has fucked us. Can’t get rid of the void/emptiness/almost depression. Maybe it’s all the fucking rain we’ve gotten-15″ since June 1. At least we can pool tomorrow without my cousin’s kids going mini-gun yapyapyapyapyapyap

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