Mental Flu

Words cannot begin to describe the horror I am feeling today at my own state. Yesterday was bad enough. I let my kid go out in public with her shirt on inside out and shoes on the wrong feet. I’m in such a freaking haze, I didn’t notice, I just wanted the dish responsibilities over. It’s not that I’m an uncaring neglectful mother. Jebus, I did better than this when I was in the 8 month depression for hell. I’m getting worse instead of better and I see him tomorrow but he is so hooked on this Lamictal bad-Trilepal god thing, as well as downplaying any side effects or withdrawal. I feel…hopeless.

Took my kid to the doctor today, in spite of a massive migraine I’ve been fighting for over 12 hours. I rarely get headaches. Since Trileptal I get them frequently. A side effect the manufacturer acknowledges but my doctor will dismiss. Being out in the sunlight, under fluorescent lights just made me want to gouge my eyeballs out. It fucking hurts and no one will listen to me, the doctors think it’s some affectation.

Her dr office gave me a bunch of papers to fill out, wanting me to have her take quizzes and draw pictures and test her on words and shapes and shit. At 8 in the morning, you’re lucky I am wearing pants. I filled it in half assed. Then we went in. And as my kid was getting undressed to put on the gown…I noticed her socks didn’t match and were stained, one was inside out. Her dress was baggy and showed side boob. She wore baggy brown pants under it. Then came the underwear from two years ago I thought I’d pitched cos they had stains but she kept them cos they had kitties on them…And in spite of a shower last night, her feet were dirty and her toenails needed cleaned and trimmed…All I could think is, they’re gonna take her away from me, I am not well. I’m haphazard sometimes but this is ridiculous.

On the way out…I had a completely blank moment of panic where I forgot where I parked and I was so utterly confused, I was scared. Spook told me where the car was. I was terrified. What the fuck is that? It wasn’t happening two months ago. This wasn’t the normal confusion of “forgetting”. This was complete blank out.

Between all that, I came straight home. And realized, in another panic, I lost my phone. It’s still out there, somehow fell out of my purse. So there’s another six mile trip I gotta make with the sun scorching my eyeballs out. And R requested my presence, no doubt because he wants that FedEx thing printed out. I’m not seeing it happen any time soon. I am not in good shape. Had a hell of a time getting to sleep last night. Wake up. Dreams. My kid waking up and getting in my bed.(Which I mentioned to the doctor, and she said, “give her some more time.” IT’S BEEN TWO FUCKING YEARS OF HER SLEEPING IN MY BED 7 NIGHTS A WEEK AFTER BEING ATTACHED TO MY ELBOW 15 HOURS A DAY!)

I’m a mess. I’ve been a mess. When I see him, though, my panic kicks in and he thinks it’s some sort of hyperactivity/hypomania thing so he’s not seeing me when I’m listless and baffled and everything sounds hateful and grumpy. It sucks. And I don’t know what to do about it. I had hope for this doctor but it was apparently misplaced. Best I can do is go in tomorrow and plead my case.

This is…It’s like having the flu and everything aches and everything is off and you’re sluggish and waiting for it to pass yet it’s not going anywhere…Yet everyone is expecting you to be at your best anyway and not cutting you any slack. Is it any wonder my headache isn’t going away and my pretzel gut is a constant companion? I don’t have all the answers, but I think getting rid of the Trileptal and increasing the Xanax temporarily would be a place to start.

I’m tired of being in this mental space. So tired. Life is passing me by and  I want to care and yet it’s not there. Just layers of haze and gauze and apathy and…hopelessness. That’s the worst enemy you can have.

I do not like my dark place alone.

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3 Responses to “Mental Flu”

  1. Pitch that shit. I can see you’ve gotten worse on it. I also do agree that he did ALL of those decreases SIMULTANEOUSLY-what a fucking MORON-and it’s no wonder you’re down in shitsville usa. I’m gonna come rescue you! It’s Super Sass with her plethora of fixings-well, kinda. Seriously though, I’m worried about you 😦 I’m going to ask the doc to drop the trileptal too when I see him because I still dont feel anything either. THe kids are gone this weekend. I’ll come sit with you and bring you presents of sporks

  2. I hate to see you this way. You have gotten way worse. I spoke to my psych nurse today when she was giving me my scripts for my meds and mentioned you guys and the problems and the drs not listening. I told her I appreciated her listening to me and she said she can only do what I tell her, but the point is she does listen and work at doing what she can and she doesn’t change everything willy nilly and at once. Please take care of yourself and Spook. She needs her mother able to take care of her. I would hate to see someone step in and take her away.

    Not to rub it in but I have been stable for 8 weeks now. The difference in my mood is noticeable.

  3. Is there any way you can find another person to prescribe? If not s doctor then a psych nurse? They tend to listen better. I mentioned your situation to D and he said it’s unacceptable for a doctor to not take your symptoms seriously, especially when they have you behaving this way. This is medical negligence and he said it with all the words too — not that we hadn’t figured this part already.

    You need a different prescriber and it sucks so much because we often don’t have options and are stuck with incompetent assholes like this. You can’t stay in this cocktail any longer.

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