Tipping Point

I was doing okay for a couple of days…Now I am soo not. And it’s partly because my kid is being a noisy defiant little devil spawn and she won’t listen to a word I say or get more than six inches away from me and I am all but locking myself in the closet just to escape because she won’t even leave me alone when I go to the bathroom. Throw in anxiety and dread for socializing tonight and an abrupt mood crash into the angry stressed out abyss…

THIS IS MY BREAKING POINT. I have tipped over. I keep trying to figure out a plausible scenario in which I could bow out of the social thing tonight because I am feeling hostile and flying off the handle with snappish responses…I want quiet. I want elbow room. I do NOT want to go paste on a smiley face and pretend I am happy when frankly, I am psychotically menstrual and my kid has sent me to rubber ramada territory…

Of course, I can’t make a simple decision as to what is best for me at this juncture in time. NOOOO, I’ve got all the shitty mental health professionals yapping in my head about how I have PUSH myself, FORCE myself, to do normal social things because it’s GOOD for me. You can tell none of them have spent much time around a bipolar person hopped up on hormones, anxiety, and a hostile volatile mindframe. If they had, they’d know the best thing for me would be to avoid all human contact as much as possible lest I burn some more bridges by snapping off with rude snarkasm I’ll later regret.

Perhaps that’s what I hate most about mental illness. Being told what’s best for me, not being allowed to decide for myself because it’s “avoidance” and “not trying hard enough”.  And I’m being held at gun point by people who STUDY this shit, they don’t fucking LIVE it. They don’t walk in these shoes, all they know is what they see and you can treat someone for years and years but you can never get inside their head to know how they really feel. You can’t count on patients being totally honest when they live in fear of being labeled non compliant by having their own opinion or making their own choices. My whole life has become a second guessing myself game, orchestrated by people who don’t have a fucking clue.

I just want a job I can do from home to afford my mental health care, insurance for my kid, and keep a roof over our heads. Then I would never have to worry about jumping through flaming hoops for doctors and therapists and social security disability benefit review boards. That’s the stressful thing. They think being on disability is the “gravy train”. It’s like walking a tightrope over a flaming pit. You can’t get too well, but you’re never really sick “enough” so you have to battle even more anxiety over that bullshit. Words can’t describe how much I loathe it, and yet 22 jobs pretty much say it all. I can’t handle the normal pace others do. I understand why people turn to a life of crime. Better to be a scuzzball than have a, as my dad calls it, “nitwit pension.”

I’m coming unglued. Afternoon med time. I need to slow down the scumbag brain. Before my surging pulse causes my blood vessels to burst from sheer frustration.

7 Responses to “Tipping Point”

  1. People/doctors like that ~ Shit, I’d love to attempt to walk in my fuckin’ SOCKS!! There seriously is something in the atmosphere, I’ve been sooo mind fucked all over the fucking place the past 3 weeks hypomanic, flat, death thoughts,,, increasing lithium starting tonight, xanax take me away!!!,, good luck to you, I got Capt Jack Sparrow rum (I wish!)

  2. The mom of my oldest son Luke has bipolar disorder. I’m worried that Luke has it too. He’s only 12. I don’t know what to do for him other than take him to appointments and get him started with therapy and possibly meds early.

    I don’t know how to keep his (biological) mom from hating his guts every moment of the 20hrs she spends with him each week and I don’t know how to keep Luke from wanting to kill himself when something goes even slightly wrong. As a parent, this is hard. Very very hard.

    I hope you start feeling better soon. I know it’s not some easy-to-get-over, germ theory, illness. I just really hope you do feel better.

    • I don’t hate my daughter. If anything, were it a legit mental illness, I think I’d understand way better. There’s a big difference for me between behavioral/mental illness. But my kid’s barely six and while I want to look out for the signs my parents never bothered to see in me…I am willing to let her have a childhood free of my transference as long as I am the only one seeing her behavior as problematic. Others see her as defiant, but it’s me who finds her absolutely stressing and that is my issue. Some days are better than others but I put myself in time out before I ever let it come out on her. Not easy but I do it.
      Thanks for the good thoughts. If I could ever get my moods and anxiety to align, I think there’d be proof unicorns exist. 😉

      • Luke (the anxious 12yo) displays some defiant behavior to BioMom, his dad, and myself. He has recently been diagnosed with ADD also so that seems to play a role in chronically defiant behavior. Whatever the cause, I hope you see it before anyone else and help her the best you can. That’s really all any parent can do.

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