Dr. Feelgood has No IDEA

My daughter wanted me to be a vet to her stuffed kitty and she asked me what my name was. Bam, Motley Crue pops into my head and I am Dr. Feelgood. There is NOTHING I can’t metal the fuck up.

Yesterday was neverending. Between my storm paranoia and fifteen solid hours of my kid yapping me to death…Then R called to yap about conspiracy theories (hello, government watchlist, bet you know my name well now) because his wife and the kids were all out and he was alone and bored. Now I know why he got over being pissed at me. Wifey’s returning to work for part time summer classes next week, he wants to make sure he has someone to pester. Meh. Not pessimism, just factoid. Shallow people piss me the fuck off.

Also maddening was the fact my kid was still awake at 11 pm. (Kid was awake nearly sixteen hours! And never more than a foot away from me the entire time!) The storm scared her. I let her sleep in my bed and it took another hour for her to truly settle down. I was awake til at least two. The storm had died off, then started back up, and I felt like if I stayed awake I could stop lightning from zapping all my electronics. (Yes, I know, I am batshit.) The big winner was, it cooled down so much that with my fans, I was actually getting chilled. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

I dreamt. Of grocery shopping. How fucked up is that. And the nightmare part was, I spent my entire budget for the month in one day. Warning sign that I might be going manic? These dreams suck. Or at least remembering them sucks.

7 a.m.and I woke with the spawn staring at me with wide eyes. Like, oh,man, it took so long to get to sleep and now it’s time to get up AGAIN?

She’s attached to my ankle already. It’s heating up. I had a brief period of feeling pretty damn good (hypomanic?) after taking my Cymbalta. Even played music. Then Spook just kept hammering at my brain with noise and the cats are climbing and I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH STIMULATION BEFORE I START CRACKING MY LIDS. And there goes my decent mood, my energy, and my will to live. It’s such a tenuous balance. Psychological Jenga at its finest. For awhile I had the illusion I might actually be on the mend. I’m starting to think it’s just phantom feel good from the increase in Cymbalta. The test is always whether it lasts or comes and goes. This is where my doctor and I part ways. I honestly thinking taking the full dose at one time is detrimental to me and he thinks the levels are the same no matter what time you take them. Every other doctor had a differing view. Baffling.

I’ve already had a premonition how my next appointment is going to.

Me: “I don’t like the Trileptal, it makes me as numb and dead as the Lithium.”

Dr. : “You’re just not on a high enough dose,let’s increase it to six hundred this week, then nine hundred next week, and twelve hundred the week after.”

Me: “I’m serious, this stuff is killing me. I have NO emotions, I am numb. I couldn’t even cry when my kitten died, even though I did feel sad. I can’t live like this.”

Dr. : “I feel the trileptal is the right medication for you and if you aren’t willing to take it, then you can’t expect to get better.”

CLOWN SHOES.

I could be wrong. I rarely am. And it sucks. I want to be wrong. I want one of these professionals to shock me and turn out to be competent and aware that I am an individual.

Pegacorns.

“Mommy…mommy…mommy…mama…mama…There’s a spider! Mommy, mommy, mommy, my kitty is sick, you need to give her a checkup..Mama Mama my foot hurts…Mommy Mommy Mommy, I saw a bug outside, make it go away! Mommy mommy mommy.”

I’ve never known a kid this old to literally be ten inches from her mother 14 hours a day and still insist it’s not close enough or for long enough. She’s gonna smother a nice young man or woman one day. I guess I can’t relate to that level of neediness because my biggest need is to be left alone in peace.

Anyway…Purge done. I’m going to contemplate housework (which means do fuck all and feel bad for doing fuck all yet still do fuck all because now my anxiety and paranoia are amped to a thousand by the noise.)

To quote the Sixx A.M. song, “Life is Beautiful.”

A beautiful disaster.

***Because I have so often been accused of being a negative person by R and Kenny, I printed and out posted this at the shop right by the desk long ago and it remains to this day, making my point known even when I’m not around.****

optimist pessimist realist

 

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14 Responses to “Dr. Feelgood has No IDEA”

  1. DOn’t go too far or I may blow up your inox with my neediness…You’ve been warned 😉

    • Yeah, but reading is soothing to me, as opposed to MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY played on ten day after day 😉

      On Sat, Jun 13, 2015 at 9:48 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

      • I’m the mean mom that says go away-I need 10 minutes of quiet time, do not interrupt me before the timer goes off or I will restart it. I’ve done that. See? Mean mommy 😉 YOu gimmie Spook for a week for a serious reboot lol

      • I do that. I ground her from playing outside, from her friends, from tv, the computer, sweets, I make her eat fruit and veggies instead of junk, I stand her against the wall, send her to her room…In a way, it’s my karma because I’m mouthy as hell, too, surprised my parents didn’t eat their young with my constant snarkasm.

        On Sat, Jun 13, 2015 at 9:52 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Hehehe Plus I’m sure it’s hard for you both all the way around. Let’s just go south to the beach and find us a nanny

      • The mommy, mommy, mommy shit would have to stop. That would rattle anyone’s nerves. Give her a time out like Sass sort of said 🙂 and let her learn that she has to stop that.

  2. PS-ditch the trileptal. Tell the doc to fuck off and that you know your mind and body better than he does and if he’s not gonna listen you’ve already lined up another doc. *see-Sassypants is back

  3. “Psychological Jenga” needs to be the title of your autobiography. I insist upon this. It rolls of the tongue so nicely. 😉
    I can’t give much advice on parenting, as I have no children of my own (I’m still working on just getting a boyfriend), but I’m just guessing here: If you continue to give her the attention she demands, rather than only the attention she needs, it’s almost encouraging that kind of behavior. Once again, I’m just guessing. You probably know better than I do on this. I hope it’s something she’ll grow out of. I applaud you for being able to cope so well with so many frustrations coming at you.

    • Oddly enough, the child psychologist I took her to said the problem was all me and that my child requires excessive amounts of stimulation and I should provide it for her, “within reason” though NOT limit her due to my own limitations. It was like this educated professional woman was telling me if I didn’t cave to the little terrorist’s demands, I was somehow being a bad mom.

      My biggest issue isn’t drawing boundaries. It’s knowing WHEN to draw them. I’m such an introvert, such a loner, and so super sensitive to noise and such, I don’t want to leave her extroverted nature neglected but I also don’t want to bring even more onto myself. It’s a very wobbly tightrope few others have to walk so I’m sure I come off as whacko. But I am a whacko who’s putting forth effort. Mostly, I think my kid is bored because once her friends come around, I could vanish and she wouldn’t notice 😉

      On Sat, Jun 13, 2015 at 3:28 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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      • Omg, if you’re still seeing that therapist, stop seeing her. Any therapist that makes you feel guilty about who you are is a dead end in my book. Therapists are supposed to be supportive! Sometimes they need to give you a dose of harsh reality, but that’s not reality! Sorry, I’m really passionate about the subject of therapists. I can’t believe she said that to you.

      • Yeah, quit seeing her right around the time I’d tried all her methods and they still didn’t work or change a thing. That was when she told me my kid was acting out because she senses my anxiety and depression thus I was making my kid feel it as well.

        Nope. I want to feel guilty, I can visit my mom, the travel agent for guilt trips. She gives them for free.

        On Sat, Jun 13, 2015 at 3:43 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

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  4. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have children and juggle the daily emotional ride of bipolar! Do you have another people round you to support you. I work as a speech therapist assistant in s school and a lot of parents are talking to me much more about mental health prowls there are suffering and will it impact there child’s learning or ability to make friends etc, and I guess the child will see upsetting things but I think of the child is old enough for things to be explained about why mummy or dad sometimes has these feelings the child will be quite loving and supportive of this and in terms of child’s friends this shouldn’t be a issue either u can get today other parents without feel the need to discuss all your personal details with them . I admire your charism and enjoy to keep on going. I have no children myself but have some horrendous days recently. Recently family friend passed away, work is getting quite a battle, ongoing battle with ears, period to put up with the list goes on, but then I’m trying to pick myself up and fell myself look there’s people out there who don’t get the support they need but step managing so well and maybe I need to just pull myself together you’ve certainly made me thin! Hats off to you o think you’re amazing for what you are doing o truly do xxx

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