Dark Side’s Calling…

Less heat, less humidity, my kid has even been quiet-ish (Yeah, I resorted to technology as a babysitter, don’t judge me)…One quick jaunt into the dish for cat food, back home. Perfunctory visit from Dad’s crew. End of contact with dish dwellers.

Yet hour after hour I keep sliding down into this dark place. Except I’m so numb it brings only anxiety and self doubt and a Novacaine-tinted anger. My thoughts swirl like a tornado funnel cloud. Tugs of self loathing. Bits of righteous indignation. Resentment that I even have the self awareness to let all this crap infect my already fucked up brain.

It doesn’t matter if I know it’s just a mood shift, it’s just my thoughts running riot, it’s not real, it’s not true…Not a single fuck is given by my scumbag brain. And judging from the pains in my ovaries over the last few days, I’m guessing the wonky chemicals are now getting some help from the surging hormones, creating the wreckage that is me.

Everyone around you is getting better and you’re not, what is your problem? You’re gonna bring them all down, you need to avoid talking to anyone until you get your shit together. You just want the pills to fix everything but the problem is YOU. The doctor thinks you’re a lying drama queen and is not going to help you because he doesn’t take you seriously. The reason you can’t feel anything isn’t anxiety or depression or side effects, you feel nothing because you are NOTHING. You are less thanย  nothing. You’re 42, you’ve been on every med known to man (as the doctor even points out disdainfully), fact is, you’re a lost cause, you should just quit breathing ‘cos it is never getting any better.

Your kid acts out because you are mental and you are just gonna mess her up and destroy her life. Your cats keep dying because you kill everything around, not just hope and friendship. You know you’re the entire problem, you just refuse to believe it. If you cared about anyone other than yourself, you’d go wash down that bottle of Trazadone and quit wasting resources that could be used on people who aren’t lost causes. You haven’t felt happiness in so long, you’re beyond repair. Just…end…it…

LALALALALALALA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU, LALA LALALALA.

It’s time for me to step back, regroup. Muster up every ounce of anger in me to fight these thoughts because they are BULLSHIT. But very convincing nonetheless. All it takes is one little spot of soft underbelly for the darkness to stab through and then it’s in your bloodstream, in your mind, dragging you down, holding you under the surface so you can’t breathe and you’re silent yet screaming inside…

And what makes it worse is that you’re in living hell, yet all around you, life goes on and things improve for others yet shit just gets worse for you no matter your best efforts. And it takes a toll and makes you feel toxic and useless and hopeless and you KNOW IT’S A FUCKING LIE but…Ninja mood swing caught you off guard and now you can’t get back up, you’re just writhing on the floor in spiritual agony while the blackened evil thoughts keep coming at you with their venom.

And again,you know they are not real and your “support system” can remind you it’s not real because they’ve got it all figured out at the moment, but it doesn’t help you from getting pulled over to the dark side. If anything, the scumbag brain starts whispering some more, look at your friends, they have problems too, and now they’re all getting better while you tread water and stagnate and waste oxygen and yeah, they think you’re funny but soon they’re just going to decide you’re redundant and boring and a whiner and…

I FUCKING HATE MY OWN BRAIN.

So, yeah. I know it’s all lies being told by wacky chemicals and hormones. I know I’ve been stressed to the nth so it makes sense with that and all the med changes I’d be reeling…But ya know what?

Right now, it means nothing and being reminded of it makes it worse. I just have to let myself tread some more dark waters, keep perspective on the brain’s lies, and remember…This is not drama or a cry for attention or some affectation.This is what my reality is at THIS moment.

I’ll reemerge at some point and reread this and wonder what the fuck my problem was. For now…the distortion’s at the helm and I am along for the ride. I’ll kick its ass later when I claw my way out of the abyss.

I am so full of shit and yet I want so desperately to BE a bad ass bitch and kick mental illness in the ass and nards and throat.

Just not gonna happen right now and I accept that. To do otherwise would just make me go more insane. I don’t even respond well to pressure from myself. Which would explain why I can’t avoid my triggers as the professionals tell me to do.

LIFE is my trigger. People, noise, mood swings, hormones, demands, being manipulated and bullied, my mind never sending me the right messages….

That the dark side calls isn’t the shocker. The shocker is that amidst all of this, I still manage to make it back from dark side. Maybe I’m more badass than I give myself credit for.

 

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11 Responses to “Dark Side’s Calling…”

  1. Sitting here judging as her kids watch tv, play on the kindle and Xbox while listening to the iPod. How dare you not play with your child. ๐Ÿ˜‰ (Kid free weekend) You are a badass bitch that fights because you aren’t letting your brain win. You are fucking fighting tooth and nail and I commend you for fighting. This is how we fight. Every day. You’ve seen me at my worst-4 months and I fought. Just remember-Luke could have gone to the dark side, but he fought like hell. Don’t make me come over there and kick your ass ๐Ÿ˜‰ Love you Lady

    • I’m not sure what’s going on with me, but I don’t like it. Today is better thus far even if my fashion diva is screaming because I am inhibiting her wardrobe choices…
      Oodles and caboodles of stabby sporky hugs

      • Did you stop the trileptal? If you didn’t flush that shit now! It’s not the cymbalta throwing you into a mix is it?! Damn that fucking doctor asshole. Maybe the weather? No-duh it’s your hormones. Fucking ovaries. Have you seen your lady part doc lately?? Maybe you’re going into beginning menopause..just have that shit removed and no hormone therapy. Lemme at that little diva-Monkey can give her some tips ๐Ÿ™‚ Love you and no dish dwelling. Your Sass forbids it. Sass orders ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • I’ve a week off the Trileptal but he also dropped my Lamictal 50 mg and said it wouldn’t have any impact. Throw in coming off the Prozac in three days and hormones…I think it makes sense I’m struggling even he doesn’t.
        As for teen boys…My sister’s is 17 and I swear he has greasy ferrets living in his hair and he actually washes it at least once a month and she’s grateful for that much. Maybe grunge is making a comeback?
        In which case, I just want to be euthanized ๐Ÿ˜‰

      • Your doctor is an idiot asshole motherfucker. Ommfg what a douchebag. Stand up to that fucker next time you see him. He just about killed you for the love of all that’s holy. What that actual fuck!

        Dear god so not let grunge come back because it’s bad enough the fucking hipsters wore the high waisted shorts. Id rather wear a corset. Or just go nekkid. Oh cheesus boys are so hard to raise!!

  2. I can’t be bothered to tie myself up in knots any more over the whole technology as babysitter thing. Much of the censure comes from a different generation who didn’t grow up with technology. And for every piece of research that slams parents who let their kids watch Peppa over dinner or play with the tablet, there’s another piece that shows how useful it is for kids to be using technology every day. It’s just a generational thing. And God only knows parents need a break too. You do what’s right for you and your child. This judgemental society we are in gives me the rage.

    • I had to to giggle at this- my kid literally was eating her supper while watching Peppa Pig last night. I’m labeling it “cultural studies”, allowing my half American, half Canadian child to learn about Brit culture through cartoon swine.

  3. Ah. Your posts echo my soul. In this state nothing I say can change anything. At least I would like you to know that you have meant a lot to me, I learn from you and take courage. Period hit me last night so I was probably under the influence of shitty chemical imbalance and hormones too. Which isn’t to say the emotions aren’t valid. But knowing this helps me slap them.

  4. All that you’ve got going on > med changes, hormones, stress, besides bipolar, damm -> perfect fucking storm!!I hope this Shit settles/stabilizes very soon for you! Strange Shit my brain’s inside out lately

  5. I certainly don’t judge you it must be extremely different to battle bipolar and have children to look after as well. I don’t judge you for putting technology there for the child either. I don’t have kids of my own yet but I have worked in childcare nursery school and now in s primary school for several years. And there are more parents that are coming into the school and because we have such a friendly environment parents will talk about there concerns, a lady admitted to me a few month ago that she has bipolar and that she feels other parents would judge her and not allow her child to go to other people’s houses or parties. And I reassured her that this should not be the case and that everyone should be given the same opportunity but at the same time o can understand her concerns. It must be heartbreakingly difficult sometimes to decide what the best thing to do us. She felt reassured that she has someone to talk to as I disclosed that I was bipolar and she now wants to have weekly chats to see how we are both getting along. I feel quite bad that I have horrendous time and real battles but from reading your blog I think I need to pick myself up stop acting like a idiot and just get on with things I don’t know. It’s left me contemplate whether I am indeed do the right things or not? Very internet of blogg and I hope you’re feeling a bit better now ๐Ÿ˜Š xxx

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