Stop, drop, and roll won’t work in hell

I am NOT a big fan of the church whiteboard signs, especially the one that declares DNA some sort of blasphemy for God is the father of every human…But the “stop drop and roll won’t work in hell” one…Ok, that made me laugh a little. Thing is, my hell is on Earth and the flames scorch during summer months. Hard to believe in a merciful deity when your innards are boiling.

It hit 94 today. No air conditioning. My skin is MEEELLTING. My pancreas is even sweating. Normally  by this time it’s cooled off enough for me to need a blanket or sleeves. One, two, summer’s coming for you…Still a week or so off…Jebus. But after tomorrow we’re allegedly looking at a week of nothing higher than upper 80’s so that’s a good thing. (If you thought the whole “how’s the weather” thing was a stereotype for the midwest…It’s really a thing, we discuss summer more than winter here.)

Only thing I did today was run to Aldi for a frozen bake at home pizza. I had a craving and they are only $4.99. What the hell, ya know. For awhile, I was doing okay with no air, little humid and sweaty but not miserable…the higher the humidity climbs the worse it gets. And I’ve proven this to myself because there were lots of 90 degree days when I visited California but the humidity was low so it didn’t feel that hot. Here…It feels twenty degrees warmer in summer and ten degrees colder in summer. What the actual fuck.

My kid tested me again today, though I am not sure if she was more irritating or if the heat just made me more irritable. I bought her blueberries after she begged and groveled cos the school gave them to the kids…Then she screamed bloody murder because they weren’t like the ones the school gave her…I was the best mom ever. I was the meanest stupidest mom ever who ruins everything. Her friends kept punching her in the stomach, yet I confronted them about it, they denied it, and my own kid called me a liar. THIS is why summer sucks for me even if winter brings the worst depressions. Think I handle the depressions with more grace than the anxiety. I had one brief moment today when my anger just boiled over and I felt my face turning beet red and it would have been so easy to just LOSE it.

I didn’t. It passed. But in that moment…It was almost like demonic possession, I just felt so…outside myself. It sounds insane but it’s the truth.

R has beckoned me for tomorrow. I made sure to line up a sitter before I even responded, lest he have a tantrum. He is, of course, sending texts about “hope your mood is better now” which makes me want to bash his skull in with a shovel. But in my true coping style, I replied, “I promise to leave the stabby objects at home.”

Idget. But truthfully, I need a break from my kid and if I can at least get a pack of smokes or a bag of cat food out of it…I’m game. The shop has AC. (Is my spoiled brat side showing????)

Earlier I had it in my head that I was going to force myself to WRITE. Turn on  music, open Abiword, and force myself to write even if it was fucking drivel. Anything to make me feel alive, even if it was with self disgust. Now…I have to go sleep to reserve all my strength for the dish. People are my kryptonite, they suck the life out of me so I can’t even enjoy that which I love. It may seem like some lame excuse but it’s not. I can’t juggle. I cannot adapt to perform the smiley face act in the dish AND dissolve into my fictional happy world. Multi tasking when the dish is involved is not my thing. Give me a computer, I can watch a show, listen to music, play a game, send instant messages, check email and write a story, all simultaneously. Throw in the petri dish…It flies apart and shrapnel embeds in flesh. It is what it is.

Bedtime. Which means sweat, tossing, turning, mind racing, and terrified to take another Xanax lest it render me to comatose come morning. Anyone who thinks this is the good life is a moron. Stop, drop, and roll doesn’t work with mental illness anymore than it works in hell.

devil choke unicorn

 

 

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Stop, drop, and roll won’t work in hell”

  1. I grew up without are conditioning in Florida (where winter doesn’t exist) so I know just what melting skin feels like. It sucks. Badly.

    • I want some of those solar curtains you mentioned that help block the heat since my tin box soaks it all up. Tried foil, didn’t much help except to make the place look like a meth lab.

      On Thu, Jun 11, 2015 at 11:46 AM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: