“You Just Don’t Want To Be Happy”

If I had a dime for every time some well meaning schmuck has said that to me,  (and by well meaning, I mean, utterly clueless) I could buy Neverland Ranch.  “You just don’t want to be happy.”

Hmmm….Ranks right up there with the shrink who told me the Zoloft wasn’t working because I didn’t want it to work. I am super fucking magical if I can control the success of a medication with negative thought alone.

But maybe the idgets are right. I DON’T want to be happy.

I am bipolar two. All my happy experiences are tied to manic episodes where I was “too happy”. I made impulsive decisions, I did things out of character for myself, I had no self awareness, no concept of consequences, I didn’t care who I hurt because I WAS TOO HAPPY.

The mistakes I made while too happy haunt me to this day. So yeah…I don’t want to be happy. Not like that, ever again. It does happen, manic episodes come and go even when medicated. I had a two week period in March when my Prozac was increased and I went manic. The crashing fall from that made me resent the brief respite of happiness.  Plus, I did some things that I normally would not do. Like live in the petri dish and have faith in another human being. Once again, it bit me on the ass. And leg. And face. And I have festering psychological anti people rabies now. Fuck mania, fuck the happiness.

What I REALLY want is STABILITY. I don’t need to feel happy. I don’t need to be rich or have possessions or go fun places or have a relationship to validate me to the point of happiness. That shit is fleeting for the bipolar mind. Stability, and being consistently well, now that’s a dream I could happily embrace. My entire life has been instability and no matter how hard I try, it never changes for more than a few months at a time. This has done so much damage to my self confidence, especially when even the professionals there to help me act like I’m being some drama queen. For every one that has seen the hell I go through and commiserated, there are two that have been completely dismissive, if not outright cruel. So not even in my psychiatric care do I have stability.

We all want what escapes and eludes us most. Most people, it’s wealth.I wouldn’t turn down a winning lottery ticket.  But I am smart enough to know money isn’t going to cure me. Nor is true love and other fairytales, a fancy car, fancy house, nice things. I have an illness. Money can treat it, not cure it. And the cure so often is as bad if not worse than the illness…No, money wouldn’t fix a thing. It would help reduce stress and increase options of treatment…It wouldn’t give me what I want most.

Contentment. I can live with bad luck, shit happens, et al. I can roll with the punches life throws. I’m not so naive that I think life is rainbows and puppies. I am also not stupid enough to think it’s only bad stuff.

The thing is, with mental illness…Stability is so fleeting, you can be manic and laugh at a funeral, or you can be stable and react normally, or you can be depressed and the world is a blackened cesspool, or so anxious you think the shadows on the wall are out to get you. Distorted thought precipitates everything. So telling me to “cheer up”, “lighten up”, “be happy”, “Be grateful for what you do have…”

That’s as helpful for mental illness as berating and overweight person and expecting it to “motivate” them to lose weight. Tough love is not always the answer. I have never told anyone to tell a chronically ill patient with Lupus or such to “suck it up, be happy.” Yet for mental illness, it’s the party line.

Guess what? IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE HAPPY. IT IS OKAY TO NOT EVEN WANT TO BE HAPPY.

Sometimes, just aiming for stability and contentment lead to happiness, and that’s good enough for me.

Postnote-

If I did have the money to buy Neverland ranch, I’d totally make it the Volatile Femmes headquarters so we could ride roller coasters, pet llamas, hole up and avoid the world, or throw massive Mardi Gras Manic Parties. Much love to me fellow femmes- Blah, Sass, Diane, Tessa,Zoe. And though not a femme, Chris, you’re invited to join our Mental Health Retreat too! Gotta have dreams,right?

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20 Responses to ““You Just Don’t Want To Be Happy””

  1. Wahahahaha, I fell out when I saw my name! Thank you for the honor, my friend!

    “That’s as helpful for mental illness as berating and overweight person and expecting it to “motivate” them to lose weight. Tough love is not always the answer.” – A little kindness and gentleness can go a long way.

    “The mistakes I made while too happy haunt me to this day. So yeah…I don’t want to be happy.” – 😦

    “What I REALLY want is STABILITY. I don’t need to feel happy. I don’t need to be rich or have possessions or go fun places or have a relationship to validate me to the point of happiness.” – Amen to that, sistah!

    You’re still a WARRIOR and have a great group of people supporting you up on both sides during your valleys. 🙂

  2. Um, the roller coasters ~ are beer & clothing optional?? j/k LOL,,, no really?? Hahaha I’m a bit hypomanic! ❤

  3. Reblogged this on The Professional Introvert and commented:
    check this out

  4. It’s running late and the hour is cruelly upon me in terms of sleep, so no vent to read from my end of things I’m afraid, I can hear the (manic) cheers from here!!
    I am offended you wouldn’t invite me to your party, I mean there must be some great dark corners to hang myself or a good bath tub to slit my wrists and not ruin your fun, how inconsiderate!!

    • I’m sorry, we don’t have the money for engraved invites as we spend it all on meds and shrinks and our kids…it’s unwritten and open invite for all, though 😉 You can have a llama ride if it makes you feel better. Though if it’s anything like the nasty spirited one my grandpa had, you might fare better with a mechanical bull. Least they don’t spit at you.

      On Tue, Jun 9, 2015 at 6:56 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

      >

  5. Where’s there damn stability?! At fucking Neverland Ranch. We need a headquarters anyway. Don’t feel bad for being you. I won’t go all Bruno Mars, but you are a Badass Bitch to keep fighting the fucking fight we do. Now, I’m going to pour myself under the covers and hope I’m not late in the am, but the way I feel right now, I could give 2 fucks about that place.

  6. Neverland Ranch? Good as place as any I suppose. I almost feel guilty since I have been stabilized for 5-6 weeks now, almost 😀 I wouldn’t call it happy, just not manic or depressed. The last time my cocktail of drugs got me happy for a few weeks it also got me unhappy for much longer. Getting too happy scares me and I am out of control if manic/hypomanic.

    • Well, that cocktail of miracle is what we’re all aiming for, so if one of us has found it…It gives the rest of us hope. No guilt needed, we’re happy for you. Well, as happy as one can be in certain states of bipolar 😉

      • Oh good, I don’t have to feel guilty. I am so afraid it will stop though. This is a long time to be stable for me if really ever.

      • Hold on with an iron fist for as long as you can and enjoy the ride. You DESERVE it.

        On Wed, Jun 10, 2015 at 9:36 PM, Take a Ride on My Mood Swing wrote:

        >

      • Thanks, I am thankful for as long as it lasts. Maybe with luck this is the magic formula.

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